by Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1-5, I suggested that your family is experiencing a conflict of rights and asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. I reflected that it is not a simple either/or question of whether your son has the right to pierce or you have a higher order right as parents/homeowners to enforce house rules. You have a clash challenging the health of your relationship. I offered 11 potential outcomes to review before approaching the relationship crossroads on this issue. 

At this point, take some time with your spouse to review these 5 decision possibilities and custom create other decisions. Consider the following coaching tips, which are aligned with each of the five decisions. Here are the first two. 

1. You both decide to let go of the issue.

• You both have decided that despite your concerns about or distaste for tongue piercing, this may not be a battleground worth entering. You feel that his insistence is a typical adolescent developmental pattern. Piercing is a right of passage for him. You know that every generation has had rights of passage to which parents vigorously objected. You recognize that this legitimate value difference could result in destructive family conflict or cutoff. 

• If this is the case for you, then it just does not make sense for you to attempt to impose your values on him. From this position, you can firmly discuss your objections and concerns. Express support for what you believe is healthy. Then let the issue go. 

However, if either one of you cannot let it go, consider this next tip. 

2. Only one of you can let the piercing issue go. 

• Since you both do not agree on choosing “tongue piercing” as a battle to fight and a reason to put your son out of your house, this family conflict takes on another dimension: your rights versus those of your husband’s. 

• Do not let this become a marriage divider.  Resolve the conflict between the two of you before you attempt to deal with the issue with your son.  If you and your spouse cannot reach a joint position or solid compromise, consider seeking the professional assistance of a qualified marriage and family therapist. 

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part I, I suggested that, as in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights.  I asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. After you have worked through all questions, think about these potential outcomes.

Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible if you persist in only allowing him to remain in your home if he does not do the piercing.  Thinking ahead further, what do you imagine you would feel and do under the following selected outcomes?  What is an acceptable result for you?

1.  He says, “OK / You’re right / I agree.” (Or yes, you can tell me what to do with my body while I am here. I won’t pierce (or other issue) until I move out.)

2.  He believes your threats and says, “I don’t like it, but I’ll comply because I don’t want to move out.”

3.  You scare him with your threats and he meekly backs down. Things seem the same.       

4.  You break his will and he quietly complies. Your relationship comes distant.

5.  You have a huge fight. He stays and doesn’t pierce, but begins to keep secrets from you and does not share his life.

6.  He pierces and stays. No further word is spoken by anyone about his moving. 

7.  He moves out, pierces, and refuses all contact with you.

8.  He pierces and you put him out.  He can’t make it on his own and asks to return.

9.  He moves out and pierces.  He makes less than successful progress with his life and does not fulfill his dreams, but remains independent.

10.  He pierces.  You tell him to leave.  He resists/stalls in moving out/won’t leave. (Do you get law-enforcement involved? Become forceful? Back down?).

11.  He pierces. You put him out. He’s too immature to handle it, and gets into trouble (or worse).

12. Other outcome:________________________________________________.

• What do you think about this range of potential outcomes?

• Can you spot or predict the likely outcomes for your situation?

• In the face of potentially negative outcomes, is it worth the risk to force this particular issue?

Check back for more discussion.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

In Part I, I suggested the three primary ways to view the parents’ behavior are legally, morally, and/or as healthy discipline. In summary: 

1. I defer to legal professionals for legal interpretations of assault/abuse or violation of personal rights.

2. I acknowledge different moral positions regarding parental discipline, based on religious beliefs or personal values. BUT…Isn’t morality of parenting behavior questionable when parents violate their own personal values while disciplining? Do they treat others in that manner? Would they accept the treatment they give their kids from people with authority over them??

3.  As to whether the parental behavior described is on target for healthy,

     respectful, and effective for the long term, my simple answer is NO.  

• Emotionally out-of-control parents behaving disrespectfully toward children   often throw away the opportunity to gain respect, be heard, or have influence with their children—especially teens. 

The best way to prevent “a bad scene” in your family when your kids get older is to begin now when your children are younger to adopt a respectful parenting style. Later as an adolescent, should he/she choose behavior you find objectionable, you will be better prepared to parent. Your parenting style will be emotionally healthy and constructive and will have stronger influence and credibility with your child. 

Here is the list of 7 parent coaching guidelines for you to consider as a baseline for respectful parenting:

1)     Adopt a realistic model of parenting

2)     Forgive your child for all flaws, imperfections, poor choices, and misdeeds

3)     Treat your child as his/her own person

4)   Be a humble parent and if you have one, trust in your Higher Power

5)   Do not set your child up to please you

6)   Know your own limitations

7)   Love your child with all your heart

In my next blogs, I will discuss these tips and give examples and details for you

to consider. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

Our children are 6, 8, and 10 and easy to parent.  We know families with teens who are struggling.  For example, our neighbor and former babysitter (now 17) is a good kid — honor student, polite and works part-time.  His frustrated parents admitted recently they took away his cell phone, car, and rummaged through all his drawers.  They yelled and cursed, broke down his bedroom door, grounded him— even from sports.  He hardly speaks to them and looks miserable.  His dad is angry because he’s lying and sneaking out of the house. Both parents are worried and suspect he is sexually active or drinking.  We probably don’t know the whole story, but is it right for parents to behave like that? It seems like they are out of control.We almost dread when ours grow up.  Is there anything we can do to prevent such a bad scene in our family?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There are three primary perspectives from which to decide whether the parents’ behavior toward their son is “right”: legally, morally, and/or as healthy, effective discipline. 

Laws are in place to help protect children from physical abuse.  Additionally, parents do not have unlimited leeway to disrupt their child’s privacy or other rights in pursuit of discipline. Even children do have some rights.  Whether these parents had the legal right to intrude on their son’s privacy/restrict his freedoms in the way you describe, is a question for legal professionals. 

From a moral standpoint, however, parents often violate their own values when they discipline. Some lose control. The more angry and afraid parents become when they feel their child’s behavior is wrong or creating self-harm, the greater the chance they behave impulsively. They might act out, yell, curse, name call, impose unreasonable and unproductive restrictions, or produce a climate of emotional abuse. So how can violent or verbally abusive parental behavior similar to this occurring during attempted discipline be considered as morally sound actions?

This type of parental response generally triggers withdrawal or counter hostility.  The teen may feel violated, even when he/she agrees that the behavior is wrong. 

In terms of whether this parental behavior is right on target for healthy and effective discipline, the answer is NO. 

When parents angrily strip an adolescent of all privileges, intrude on privacy, disrespect personal belongings, and loudly voice moral mandates for behavior, communication disintegrates. 

Without communication, parents cannot discipline or influence in the direction they feel is best. As parents lose emotional control, they throw away their opportunity to be heard or influence behavior.  When parents manage their own feelings and actions, they gain influence and credibility with adolescents. 

In my next column, I will provide parent coaching tips to consider using with your children now.  These tips are designed to improve communication and strengthen your influence with your children before they reach adolescence.

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1& 2, where I discussed the reasons people lie and ideas for parents to help reduce teen lying….

While upsetting and frustrating, many kids will some times lie about some things. Keep it in perspective. SO—

1.      Do not overreact.

2.      Respond calmly.

3.      Be sure to address any lie you discover.

4.      Determine the goal of the lie. 

5.      Have a conversation about the loss of trust that accompanies lies.

6.      Show your disappointment respectfully.

7.      Express your clear hopes that he can trust you enough

       to tell the truth in the future.

8.      Ask what you can do to encourage and accept truth from him.

9.      As far as consequences for lying from teens, the more natural the consequence, the better.

Remember, for most people, lies are not about lying.  Lies are about personal boundaries. Be sure that your parental boundaries are not setting your child up to lie. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Reduce Teen Lying-6 Tips (Coming Soon);

                                  Posts- Pt1 7/23/08; Pt2 7/26/08;

                                  Quizzes- Teens and Lying

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                  brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

     by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Parts 1, 2, & 3, here are more coaching tips to help reconnect with

your college age kid after an argument:

5.    Text her that you miss her.

6.   Leave a voicemail letting her know you respect her and

     are eager to reconnect with her when she’s ready.

7.   Ask her what she needs from you to move past the situation.

8.   Openly honor her view that the argument was not stupid (as you feel), but hurtful to her and healing time is needed.

9.   Seek professional assistance from a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist (LMFT)

     or qualified relationship coach if none of the above is  

     successful.

How we conduct our lives and the choices we make are important examples to our children throughout the lifecycle—-not just when they are small. I think it is only fair for parents to hold themselves to a higher standard of behavior—-DO YOU?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3/27/08, Pt2 3/30/08, Pt3 4/15/08 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

In Parts 1&2, I described my philosophy of holding parents to a higher standard of behavior than their children. I think it is only fair. 

However, I also explained that responsibility shifts through the life cycle with the duty for settling conflict becoming roughly equal when “kids” are between 30 and 35. 

My belief is that parents should be role models to their adult children throughout the life cycle. As a further guideline, when parents are between 70 and 80 (earlier or later depending on any health issues) adult children need to bear the brunt of responsibility for repairing and maintaining relationships.

If you agree with this philosophy, here are the first 5 of 10 coaching tips to help you reconnect. Consider how any one or all of these might be appropriate for your situation with your 18-year-old daughter.

1)     Reach out to her more than once to repair the rift, but be mindful of stepping over her boundaries.

2)     Speak with her personally and ask her to talk with you to get past the argument.

3)     Purchase or create a greeting card that carries an important message (or make it humorous) and mail it to her.

4)     E-mail her with a lunch invitation.

Repeat your apology and do not expect or require one in return.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 3/27/08, Pt 3/30/08, Pt4 4/16/08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

 Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 6

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…Consider these alternatives to a power struggle or controlling behavior over chores, curfew, and sibling relationships: 

A.     Compromise: Let his room be his closed-door room.  You have probably taught him how to clean. It’s not a priority for him.  In exchange, he agrees not to clutter other areas. (Periodic prompting may still be necessary.)

B.     Negotiate: List the extras you do for him. Examples: laundry, provide cell phone, pay car insurance, prepare his meals, allow his friends to visit, loan money, provide a car/transportation and other amenities. Forget automatic entitlement to these extras. The new approach can be  “When/If you _______________, I will_______________.” (Be sure not to present this as a pressure tactic. Let it be his choice.)

C.    Cooperate: List his own tasks and special projects/ favors he can do for you. Allow him to take the lead to work with you when he wants a favor  or a special privilege, e.g. later curfew. Your list might include wash your car, move heavy items, run errands, finish a school assignment early and the like. (Of course, not all requests/privileges would be granted.)

D.    Collaborate: Sit down for a conversation as a family to develop a  plan.  Attentively listen.  Show respect for his opinions.  Make every effort to include his ideas and those of other children. (Ownership in any collaboration comes from inclusion of individual ideas.) 

Realistically, these approaches are unlikely to work in the beginning. Children are trained by parents on what to expect. Old patterns die hard. Consistency is key.  Parents are often generous with their time and resources while passing up multiple opportunities to teach other valuable relationship skills .  Let your younger child witness the example of you remaining a calm and respectful adult. Do this even when your adolescent is not.

I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. It is only fair.  Resisting a reaction to your adolescent’s bad behavior may be a challenge—particularly for parents raised in a family environment, which was less respectful toward children. Your love for your adolescent should be unconditional.  The extras you do for him can have conditions.  This is a key to relationship development as an adult. Do you agree? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-27-08, Pt3 2-26-08, 2-27-08 ,

Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

   ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.           

                      Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.             

 by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 4, I listed examples of parenting behavior, which I believe show a lack of self-control and discipline from the parents.  Maybe you agree, but feel that,  “ I’m not going to let him get by with treating me like this.” You feel justified in treating your adolescent as he treats you (payback/a taste of his own medicine). But wait a minute. Who’s influencing whom?  Is that like a parent biting the 4 year old who bit the 3 year old—effectively teaching bigger bites littler? Is that backwards or what??  Hello?

How can you teach him to talk nicely to his sister, when you treat him disrespectfully?  Again, who’s influencing whom? It’s simple.  You don’t teach him respect by role modeling disrespect to him.  Should you work to choose the power of positive parental example over the power of external parental control? 

Unless your adolescent is fearful of you or timid, by the time many kids turn16, external control (discipline from parents) becomes less effective as a parental tool for a variety of reasons. Besides, the goal is for adolescents to develop self-control, which is learned more quickly when parents model this quality. (Kids take self-control with them in life—not parents.) But if you have parented well, your offspring will take your positive influence with them. Is that what you want? 

In Part 6, I will offer alternative approaches to consider and avoid power struggles with your adolescent. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt6 3-04-08; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience   

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love  

Continuing… In Parts 1, 2, &3, I emphasized that your son was making productive and healthy choices on important life decisions. His “disobedience” is also “noncompliance” when viewed from another angle.  I offered adolescent development information, options to avoid “spitting contests,” and how to “pick battles,” while focusing on other family values/life skills like cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation. Emotional management for parents was stressed.  

Disciplining adolescents becomes even more complicated when younger children are in the home.  How do you shape the example your younger child observes when your adolescent disobeys?  Remember, only half of the example is from your son’s behavior.  The most important half of the example comes from what you say and do. Are you setting a good example?  Do you as parents: 

•     Argue
•     Raise your voice or yell
•     Remain engaged in a power struggle
•     Repeat yourself
•     Threaten or become controlling
•     Curse, name call,  or demean
•     Get up in his face or follow him around
•     Grab, push, hit, or worse

 If the above examples are observed by your children, it role models a lack of self-control and self-discipline on the part of the parents.   

§         Is this a good example for your younger children? 

§         Would this example of parental behavior influence an adolescent to behave better?

§         Are you willing to (or do you) behave in this way to get obedience?

§         Is that what it takes in your family?

§          What do you think?     

In Part 5,  I’ll continue on this topic with more thoughts.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

 Regards,

 Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

 Pt6 3-09-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,   

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.    

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.      

                           Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.