Communication Weed #2:Dis-communication Part 1

 by Dr. Coach Love

I love my wife but we are in a bad rut.  When we are with others, she’ll get a laugh out of them by exaggerating a story about something dumb I did.  Most often, I don’t find it funny to be the butt of her jokes.  Sometimes the subject is so private I feel betrayed.  

When I tell her I am offended, she says I just don’t have a sense of humor.  On top of that, when we are alone, we often “pick at” or tease each other for routine mistakes or annoying habits. We’ve been together a long time. We plan on a future forever; but we agree we need to fix this miscommunication now before we create more damage. Suggestions?________________________________________________________________________ 

Effective communication is essential for a quality long-term relationship.  And most couples recognize the need to improve miscommunication patterns.  Miscommunication occurs when message intended is not message understood.  

The communication pattern you describe is not miscommunication.  It is what I call dis-communication. Dis-communication occurs when message sent is message received as disrespectful or offensive. Dis-communication is usually deliberate, not necessarily directly as an insult, but as a dig disguised as humor.  (It is similar to when you “dis” someone.) 

Too many long-term couples passively lapse into disrespectful communications such as a cruel teasing, nagging, or repetitive criticisms about the other’s shortcomings, flaws, and annoying habits. It can take the form of bickering. 

Dis-communication is both harmful and avoidable. Negativity between spouses usually reduces relationship quality and takes effort to change. Couples stuck in a rut of dis-communication are those who bicker, pick  at each other, frequently use sarcasm/criticism, and seek laughs at the other’s expense.

These types of interactions frequently betray privately shared moments, breach confidentiality, expose vulnerabilities, and create emotional rifts. Tension and irritability often increase. In addition, what can be worse, dis-communication frequently generates indifference toward each other as a defense mechanism. Indifference has no place in an intimate relationship. Do you agree?  

In Part 2, I will discuss ways to break up dis-communication patterns. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-29-08, Pt3 3-02-08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                        Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                   

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing… 

In Part 1, I described “his and her” patterns of behavior that can lead to long-term miscommunications involving humor, insults, and affection. 

Despite your humorous or affectionate intent, the result is you offend your wife with that nickname. She has a right to her feelings.  And now that you know you do not achieve your goal of expressing humor or affection, why would you continue? You are now clearly on notice. 

If you use that nickname again, you can no longer honestly hide behind the humor or affection angle — – it is neither funny nor feel-good to your wife. 

Here are 4 Simple Tips for you to consider following now:  

1.  Apologize sincerely. 

2.  Forget the nickname. 

3.  Work together with your wife to reverse any of the negative communication patterns described above, which the two of you may have established. 

4.  Recognize how these patterns may be present in other types of communication between you. 

Remember, that communication always has two parts that must line up in order to be successful.  So no matter what you intend, what you have described here is a failure to communicate.  

Fix it! Any more questions? 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  Goodbye— 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-  Pt1 2-17-08

• I invite your comments below.

t E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

t      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

t      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

t      Check out relationship coaching at www.HireCoach.com.

                      ©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.             

by dr. Coach Love 

Due to a funny incident years ago, I gave my wife a special nickname. I’ve been affectionately calling her this pet name for about 10 years. I tried to defuse an argument yesterday by using that nickname. She became furious and told me how she’s always hated being called that, how dare I keep making fun of her, and that I should know better. I am flabbergasted. She claims she’s told me before, but gave up trying to get me to stop. How does something like this go on for so long? What can I do now?

_______________________________________________________________

Your affectionate intent and her feelings of insult are not necessarily a contradiction. Both can be true. Here are common negative patterns of how communications like this can become twisted and endure for years, creating silent bad feelings. Do any of these fit the two of you? 

His Pattern:

1.  Misreading: He misreads her embarrassed smiles as pleasure/or misses body language. 

2.  Miscuing: He improperly interjects what he considers humorous at serious moments to change the subject. 

3.  Only teasing: He does not know when to quit.  He hides behind teasing as a way of getting true negative feelings expressed. 

4.  Disrespecting: He ignores her sensitivity and need to settle the argument. 

5.  Expressing a grain of truth: He wants to slide in a zinger, but also wants to be able to back down (“I’m just kidding”), if it backfires.  

Her Pattern: 

1.  Only hinting: She tries indirectly to get him to stop being offensive. 

2.  Giving up: She does not continue clarifying her objections until he listens and gets it. 

3.  Hiding reactions: She works to hide how he gets to her. 

4.  Withdrawing: She becomes silent and walks away. 

5.  Expecting mind reading: She thinks he should know how she feels without telling him. Nicknames and making jokes (especially during an argument) often fail to be funny to the other person.

In Part 2, I will continue with how humorous intent doesn’t make it funny.  Do you agree?

So until next time…

This is my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

 Dr. Coach Love  

MOE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt2 2-18-08   

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net. Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v     Check out relationship coaching at www.HireCoach.com.

 ©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                               

                           Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.