In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens.  However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

• And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers? 

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback.  Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

• Recognize they deserve more feedback.
• Appreciate that they care what you think.
• Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking.  Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

• “That shirt looks good on you.”
• “I like that color.”
• “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

• My opinion on this is enough.
• I can tell s/he likes it.
• Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

v I invite your comments below.

v Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

________________________________________________________________________

Aside from any moral breach you (or readers) may believe, there are serious relationship injuries that inevitably arise in both solid and weaker marriages, whether infidelity is prolonged or brief.  Further, whether secretive, in the open, suspected, or disclosed, infidelity compromises the integrity, trust, security, and, most importantly, the physical and emotional intimacy in a marriage or relationship.

Now I could continue for hours questioning you about your spouse, the quality of your marriage, your affair partner, details of your affair, family background, reasons you do not divorce, and other life specifics, which describe, or explain the “why” you chose to have an affair. None of that info really provides the answer to your question because marital dissatisfaction does NOT cause infidelity—infidelity was your choice.

Most folks do not choose infidelity as the response to marital dissatisfaction—-many just go play bingo (or immerse themselves in Angry Birds or other attention consuming activities). Others separate, divorce, or seek therapy/ relationship coaching.

Here are the FIVE major results from infidelity:

1. Marital dissatisfaction remains and usually increases.
2.   Infidelity delays facing dissatisfaction.
3.    Infidelity complicates marital shortcomings.
4.   Infidelity is a major obstacle to marital repair or recovery.
5.   Infidelity deeply wounds and is emotionally destructive beyond what most can imagine.

This is the foundation for my response to your question which will follow in Part 2.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

v      I invite your comments below.

v      Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

       brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to

        general interest.

©       Copyright 2012  P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

]]> http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2012/01/18/ending-affair-and-telling-wife-part-1/feed/ 0 drcoachlove http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2009/03/10/anger-issue-or-messy-problem-2/ http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2009/03/10/anger-issue-or-messy-problem-2/#comments Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:01:12 +0000 drcoachlove http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/?p=1308 ]]> Anger Issue or Messy Problem? Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I suggested that his right to be “casual” about the order in the apartment is equal in importance to your right to be more “formal” about order. Neither of your rights to an opinion and preferences trumps the other. (If we want to start calling names here, we could call him a “pig” and you “anal”. But you already know that type of judging gets you nowhere but into more trouble.)

This issue is not about being “right or wrong”, but a matter of whether the two of you can reach an agreement or compromise. In the face of differences and conflict over anything in a relationship, these two skills are absolutely necessary.

One way to reach agreement or compromise is to get CHUMMY:

Cuddle and

Huddle to

Untangle the

Muddle between

Me and

You

When you have a conflict or difference of opinion, take the chummy approach. Get physically close together and strike a pose similar to a hugging huddle. Have a kind and gentle conversation showing respect for each other’s differences. Sort out why the cleaning issue has become such a hot topic between the two of you. Cuddle and huddle to untangle the muddle between me and you.

What impact do you think that this ritual might have on the emotional exchange between the two of you? What might happen to the anger and indifference that have typically occurred when this issue arises?

Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 MORE INFO LINKS:http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 Anger Issue or Messy Problem1

 http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2009/03/04/ange

Housecleaning Arguments 1-2  http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2008/04/10/relationships-marriagehousecleaning-arguments/”>Marriage

      http//familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2008/04/20/relationships-marriage-housecleaning-arguments-pt2/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 6

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…Consider these alternatives to a power struggle or controlling behavior over chores, curfew, and sibling relationships: 

A.     Compromise: Let his room be his closed-door room.  You have probably taught him how to clean. It’s not a priority for him.  In exchange, he agrees not to clutter other areas. (Periodic prompting may still be necessary.)

B.     Negotiate: List the extras you do for him. Examples: laundry, provide cell phone, pay car insurance, prepare his meals, allow his friends to visit, loan money, provide a car/transportation and other amenities. Forget automatic entitlement to these extras. The new approach can be  “When/If you _______________, I will_______________.” (Be sure not to present this as a pressure tactic. Let it be his choice.)

C.    Cooperate: List his own tasks and special projects/ favors he can do for you. Allow him to take the lead to work with you when he wants a favor  or a special privilege, e.g. later curfew. Your list might include wash your car, move heavy items, run errands, finish a school assignment early and the like. (Of course, not all requests/privileges would be granted.)

D.    Collaborate: Sit down for a conversation as a family to develop a  plan.  Attentively listen.  Show respect for his opinions.  Make every effort to include his ideas and those of other children. (Ownership in any collaboration comes from inclusion of individual ideas.) 

Realistically, these approaches are unlikely to work in the beginning. Children are trained by parents on what to expect. Old patterns die hard. Consistency is key.  Parents are often generous with their time and resources while passing up multiple opportunities to teach other valuable relationship skills .  Let your younger child witness the example of you remaining a calm and respectful adult. Do this even when your adolescent is not.

I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. It is only fair.  Resisting a reaction to your adolescent’s bad behavior may be a challenge—particularly for parents raised in a family environment, which was less respectful toward children. Your love for your adolescent should be unconditional.  The extras you do for him can have conditions.  This is a key to relationship development as an adult. Do you agree? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-27-08, Pt3 2-26-08, 2-27-08 ,

Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

   ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.           

                      Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.             

 by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 4, I listed examples of parenting behavior, which I believe show a lack of self-control and discipline from the parents.  Maybe you agree, but feel that,  “ I’m not going to let him get by with treating me like this.” You feel justified in treating your adolescent as he treats you (payback/a taste of his own medicine). But wait a minute. Who’s influencing whom?  Is that like a parent biting the 4 year old who bit the 3 year old—effectively teaching bigger bites littler? Is that backwards or what??  Hello?

How can you teach him to talk nicely to his sister, when you treat him disrespectfully?  Again, who’s influencing whom? It’s simple.  You don’t teach him respect by role modeling disrespect to him.  Should you work to choose the power of positive parental example over the power of external parental control? 

Unless your adolescent is fearful of you or timid, by the time many kids turn16, external control (discipline from parents) becomes less effective as a parental tool for a variety of reasons. Besides, the goal is for adolescents to develop self-control, which is learned more quickly when parents model this quality. (Kids take self-control with them in life—not parents.) But if you have parented well, your offspring will take your positive influence with them. Is that what you want? 

In Part 6, I will offer alternative approaches to consider and avoid power struggles with your adolescent. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt6 3-04-08; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience   

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

Many emotions are involved in the parent-child relationship. In a discipline situation with adolescents, anger, frustration, and impatience can be seriously triggered.  By taking the high road of remaining in grownup emotional control mode, you can avoid incessant battles over relatively unimportant matters.  

The old phrases “spitting contest” and “pick your battles” carry important messages when applied to parenting adolescents. After all, your son is getting most of the important things “right” in his life—school, drug/alcohol abstinence, job/money value—right? Yet not all of his priorities, values, and choices will likely develop to be identical to yours. 

Work on getting past your anger, disappointment, and feeling disrespected when your adolescent does not do what you ask.  Ego and indignance have no place in parenting! 

As I write this, I keep in mind that some may take a religious objection to this perspective on obedience. Yet if a parent feels compelled to violate other values and morals (respect, kindness, love, patience, etc.) to enforce obedience, I am unsure if anything is gained.  Healthy family boundaries need attention and care. 

In Part 4, I will offer options on how to shape the examples parents give to younger siblings who witness difficult interactions with adolescents.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08 ; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.     

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.  

                    Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.      

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing….

As parents, we can be unproductively stuck on the “obedience thing.” When parents express strong feelings of disrespect or anger, optimum parenting is compromised.

To aid in softening those strong emotions, consider these alternate explanations for adolescent noncompliance:

•   1.    They do not agree with parental standards/timing of requests. (They are entitled to their values.)
• 2.     They’re not in the mood. (They are entitled to their feelings.)
• 3.    They are expressing and developing opinions independently of parents. (They have their own minds.)
• 4.     You may be letting go too slowly for your adolescent’s pace of development. (The process of successful parenting is to let go gradually and systematically of decisions and choices, you have previously made for your adolescent.)
• 5.    They disagree only to get on your nerves or for the sake of disagreement.  (They are baiting you into an argument. Frankly, I do not believe this is as common as parents might think.)

When your adolescent child is noncompliant with your wishes, try focusing on another value. For example, would it be wonderful for your son to learn about developing a cooperative relationship?  Or how about learning the skill of negotiation?  Are compromise and collaboration on your value list as adult skills? Teach those skills through your relationship with your adolescent. 

In my next blog, I will explore more of the emotions and values involved in disciplining adolescents.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08; Article- Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.                      

by Dr. Coach Love

Our 16-year-old son is becoming increasingly disobedient when we ask him to do trash, keep curfew, clean his room, or talk nicer to his sister.  Otherwise, he gets good grades, doesn’t drink/drug and works a part-time job.  How can we get him to obey us?  He’s setting a bad example for his younger sister.

________________________________________________________________

Here’s  good news and good news.  First, his behavior is “normal” behavior.  Second, it sounds like he’s making productive and healthy decisions with school, job and drug/alcohol abstinence.  Consider looking at his “disobedience” from another angle — that of being “noncompliant” with your wishes. 

In general, there are children who are noncompliant (or slow to compliance) from an early age, and those, like your son, who adopted noncompliance later in adolescence.  Consider yourself fortunate. Focus your parenting on his good behavior.  

Now think about all of these qualities/behaviors: compliance, cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation.  In your value system, which is the least useful trait for adulthood?  I choose compliance as the least useful.  Do you?

In any case, adolescents are noncompliant for many reasons, which are primarily developmental in nature. Adolescence is the appropriate time for children to push at parents to take over managing their own lives. This happens even if it seems too early to you.  

Next time I will offer various explanations for adolescent noncompliance.

For now, this is my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

Pt6 3-09-08;   Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,        

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions. 

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing… 

In Part 1, I described “his and her” patterns of behavior that can lead to long-term miscommunications involving humor, insults, and affection. 

Despite your humorous or affectionate intent, the result is you offend your wife with that nickname. She has a right to her feelings.  And now that you know you do not achieve your goal of expressing humor or affection, why would you continue? You are now clearly on notice. 

If you use that nickname again, you can no longer honestly hide behind the humor or affection angle — – it is neither funny nor feel-good to your wife. 

Here are 4 Simple Tips for you to consider following now:  

1.  Apologize sincerely. 

2.  Forget the nickname. 

3.  Work together with your wife to reverse any of the negative communication patterns described above, which the two of you may have established. 

4.  Recognize how these patterns may be present in other types of communication between you. 

Remember, that communication always has two parts that must line up in order to be successful.  So no matter what you intend, what you have described here is a failure to communicate.  

Fix it! Any more questions? 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  Goodbye— 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-  Pt1 2-17-08

• I invite your comments below.

t E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

t      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

t      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

t      Check out relationship coaching at www.HireCoach.com.

                      ©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.