Dr. Coach Love’s Life Coaching Tips

Patt H. Pickett, Ph.D. offers YOU life coaching tips for living an EXCELLENT life through Relationships, Marriage & Family. Check out the Q&A, Polls, Quizzes, Checklists, and Reflections.

Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control 3 Saturday, July 25 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,Relationships,feelings,teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control? Part 3

By Dr. Coach Love

 

If you are just joining this discussion, please get caught up by reviewing Parts 1 and 2. 

Here is the discussion of #1 of 7 parent coaching guidelines for you to consider as a baseline for respectful parenting:

 

1)   ADOPT A REALISTIC MODEL OF PARENTING

  • Ideal parenting seldom is possible—family life is complex: dual income, single parents, shared custody, step-parents, bi-nuclear families, blended families, limited income, and other family forms.

  • Many parents hold themselves to impossible standards—-to please their own parents and meet their standards maybe???

  • Perfect parents do not exist.

  • Perfect children do not exist.

  • Recognize your child may not adopt your values or goals.

  • You can firmly guide, instruct, correct, and role model,  but not “make” or force your child do anything—unless you are prepared to remove all limits and engage in illegal acts of physical violence (intended as discipline) or abusive behavior such as intimidation, yelling, or emotional control.

  • You can teach a value, but you do not control what your child learns or does.

  • If your child behaves badly, it does not mean “you let” him/her. They made a choice and did not hear, understand, accept, or believe in your directions/values.

  • Parents cannot take unlimited responsibility for all of their child’s behavior—good and bad. If parents do, it may discourage the child from owning his failures and successes and, therefore, not learn from them.

  • You do your best until you learn how to parent better.

 

Do you have a realistic model for parenting? Ask yourself why or why not. Read on and check back for tips 2-7.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v   I invite your comments below.

v   E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v   Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v   Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v   Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©    Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control 2 Monday, July 20 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,feelings,teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control? Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love 

In Part I, I suggested the three primary ways to view the parents’ behavior are legally, morally, and/or as healthy discipline. In summary: 

  1. I defer to legal professionals for legal interpretations of assault/abuse or violation of personal rights.

  2. I acknowledge different moral positions regarding parental discipline, based on religious beliefs or personal values. BUT…Isn’t morality of parenting behavior questionable when parents violate their own personal values while disciplining? Do they treat others in that manner? Would they accept the treatment they give their kids from people with authority over them??

3.  As to whether the parental behavior described is on target for healthy,

     respectful, and effective for the long term, my simple answer is NO.  

  • Emotionally out-of-control parents behaving disrespectfully toward children   often throw away the opportunity to gain respect, be heard, or have influence with their children—especially teens. 

The best way to prevent “a bad scene” in your family when your kids get older is to begin now when your children are younger to adopt a respectful parenting style. Later as an adolescent, should he/she choose behavior you find objectionable, you will be better prepared to parent. Your parenting style will be emotionally healthy and constructive and will have stronger influence and credibility with your child. 

Here is the list of 7 parent coaching guidelines for you to consider as a baseline for respectful parenting:

 

1)     Adopt a realistic model of parenting

2)     Forgive your child for all flaws, imperfections, poor choices, and misdeeds

3)     Treat your child as his/her own person

4)   Be a humble parent and if you have one, trust in your Higher Power

5)   Do not set your child up to please you

6)   Know your own limitations

7)   Love your child with all your heart

 

In my next blogs, I will discuss these tips and give examples and details for you

to consider. What do you think?

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control 1 Wednesday, July 15 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,feelings,teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Teenagers and Parenting Out of Control? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love 

Our children are 6, 8, and 10 and easy to parent.  We know families with teens who are struggling.  For example, our neighbor and former babysitter (now 17) is a good kid — honor student, polite and works part-time.  His frustrated parents admitted recently they took away his cell phone, car, and rummaged through all his drawers.  They yelled and cursed, broke down his bedroom door, grounded him— even from sports.  He hardly speaks to them and looks miserable.  His dad is angry because he’s lying and sneaking out of the house. Both parents are worried and suspect he is sexually active or drinking.  We probably don’t know the whole story, but is it right for parents to behave like that? It seems like they are out of control.We almost dread when ours grow up.  Is there anything we can do to prevent such a bad scene in our family?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There are three primary perspectives from which to decide whether the parents’ behavior toward their son is “right”: legally, morally, and/or as healthy, effective discipline. 

 

Laws are in place to help protect children from physical abuse.  Additionally, parents do not have unlimited leeway to disrupt their child’s privacy or other rights in pursuit of discipline. Even children do have some rights.  Whether these parents had the legal right to intrude on their son’s privacy/restrict his freedoms in the way you describe, is a question for legal professionals. 

 

From a moral standpoint, however, parents often violate their own values when they discipline. Some lose control. The more angry and afraid parents become when they feel their child’s behavior is wrong or creating self-harm, the greater the chance they behave impulsively. They might act out, yell, curse, name call, impose unreasonable and unproductive restrictions, or produce a climate of emotional abuse. So how can violent or verbally abusive parental behavior similar to this occurring during attempted discipline be considered as morally sound actions?

 

This type of parental response generally triggers withdrawal or counter hostility.  The teen may feel violated, even when he/she agrees that the behavior is wrong. 

 

In terms of whether this parental behavior is right on target for healthy and effective discipline, the answer is NO. 

 

When parents angrily strip an adolescent of all privileges, intrude on privacy, disrespect personal belongings, and loudly voice moral mandates for behavior, communication disintegrates. 

Without communication, parents cannot discipline or influence in the direction they feel is best. As parents lose emotional control, they throw away their opportunity to be heard or influence behavior.  When parents manage their own feelings and actions, they gain influence and credibility with adolescents. 

 

In my next column, I will provide parent coaching tips to consider using with your children now.  These tips are designed to improve communication and strengthen your influence with your children before they reach adolescence.

 

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Parenting-Kids Cleaning Up P2 Monday, May 18 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,Relationships,teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

 

In Part 1, we began the discussion about handling parenting when mother and father approach it from different or opposite angles. While both methods may produce compliance, sometimes parents give up on pursuing compliance and do the cleanup themselves. After all, it can be quicker and easier. But is it a good parent quality to settle for making things easier and quicker for parents or to consistently teach life skills and responsibility to children?  Probably both are appropriate at times. What are your values?

 

“Better” parenting approaches will usually take more time and energy. However, the end result will be creating the opportunity for teaching additional life lessons and relationship skills. Spending more time can lead to a more in-depth outcome.

 

One of the most universal methods to get kids to clean up after themselves is the dreaded ‘L’ word—LISTS. I know that making lists can be a royal pain for many adults. I can even hear some of you saying, “We shouldn’t have to do that. We are the parents and should just be able to tell them and they obey.” Does that really work for you? For many, the answer is no. If your preferred method doesn’t work— it doesn’t work. Try something different or retry a method with a different attitude and more persistence— like a list.

 

Most adults have well formulated opinions about lists and the value of making them. Are you a meticulous list maker or list avoider? Are your lists detailed? Do you make mental lists? Create shopping lists? To-do lists? Depending on your viewpoint, you may be more or less open to the idea of the regular practice of lists. Nevertheless, list making is a life skill. List can be a useful tool to improve compliance with kids cleaning up after themselves and for chores in general.

 

But— not all kids respond to the same approach from parents. And even the same approach from one parent will work— while it will be unsuccessful when used by the other parent. In every family with multiple children, it is common for individual kids to respond differently to parenting. There are also many ‘high maintenance’ kids who seem to require more highly focused—or intense— parenting.

 

In Part 3 of this series, I will talk about the special challenges for families with multiple and high maintenance kids.

 

What do you think? Check back for more options.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS:  http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights Reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Parenting -Kids Cleaning Up Part 1 Wednesday, May 6 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Marriage,Obedience,Parenting,Relationships — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , ,

Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 1

 Dr. Coach Love 

My husband and I have completely opposite approaches to getting our kids to clean up after themselves. He raises his voice and gets harsh the first time he asks them to do something and usually gets immediate response. He doesn’t believe he should have to tell them more than once. I don’t really think it works that way for our kids. I remain soft-spoken and calm, and follow-up until they do it, which eventually they do. We both get “results” but agree there must be a better way. Any ideas for us? 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

As a general rule, since mothers and fathers are individuals with diverse family backgrounds, they often have different— and even opposite— approaches to parenting. That can be okay in your situation since you both feel that you get “results”. But since you are asking about it, I think you might be working against each other on the issue of getting your kids to clean up after themselves. 

 

His loudness may undermine your softness. And your softness, along with repeated follow-up, reinforces his need for automatic loudness to get his desired first time compliance. Is this possibly the situation in your home?  Your kids likely have adapted and respond to both styles of parenting. Nevertheless, you don’t like his higher volume harshness and he doesn’t think your repetitive follow-up sends a firm enough message. The truth is that both approaches have potential negative lessons embedded in them. 

 

When parents get loud in order to get kids to clean up, the volume and tone, which maybe not perceived as excessive by the parent,  can be perceived by the children as yelling, hollering, rudeness, disrespect, impatience, or maybe felt as a fear factor. Do you want to risk modeling these ways of behaving for your children? Caution is in order to determine whether your children see their dad’s loudness in this way. 

 

When parents remain calm and repeat themselves and follow-up until the job gets done, other negative lessons might be communicated. This approach can spawn thinking that you’ll forget, wear out, put up with stalling, and that a delaying tactic is acceptable. Could your children be thinking this about you? 

 

So what are parents to do? Check back for my next blog in this series for more discussion and suggestions. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights Reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Child Discipline-Spanking and Yelling 3 Friday, April 3 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,Relationships,feelings,teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Child Discipline: Spanking and Yelling Part 3
By Dr. Coach Love

In my last blog on Messages #1 through #3, I provided information on the potential backfiring of specific lessons that seem to come with spanking and yelling. These entries take a look at the negative Rules of Engagement and how they get translated later into problems for the parent/adolescent relationship.

Review the first three and continue with these. Then think about how they could apply to you. Remember, we are talking about the messages from spanking and yelling, which may be interpreted by kids in a way not intended by parents.

Message #4- Escalate the situation to get what you want. When parents resort to yelling or physical contact to gain compliance, they have demonstrated how to escalate in order to prevail.  Have you ever seen a teen or preteen in full blown tantrum mode when they do not get what they want?

Parenting Opportunity Missed: Negotiating and compromising as a means to conflict resolution.

Message #5-Disagreements are win/lose. Adolescents are often described as arguing and pushing back about everything in an aggressive effort to WIN. Where did they learn this? I believe this usually originates early in parent-child relationship patterns, especially when parents get aggressive during attempts at discipline. Aggression from parents usually occurs when they buy into the impossible belief, “I MUST make my child do what I say. They are not going to win their way.”

Parenting Opportunity Missed: Learning respect and tolerance for
differences of opinion and the ability proceed to a solution without
agreement.

Message #6-Power struggles are necessary. Teens and preteens adapt this negative rule of engagement with parents when they persist in an angry power struggle in an effort to wear parents down in a manner similar to the way their parents wore them down as a younger child. It can become the survival of the ‘stubbornnest’.  Is that what you are going for here? Trying to strip your child of power is counterproductive.

Parenting Opportunity Missed: Preserving individual rights for choice, taking responsibility for decision making, limits on personal empowerment, and acceptance of natural consequences.

In Parts 4 & 5, I will offer more parent coaching tips. Check back over the next few weeks in my blog for more discussion on yelling and spanking as discipline strategies. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,
Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Parenting- http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 I invite your comments below.
 E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
 Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
 Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
 Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Child Discipline-Spanking and Yelling 2 Sunday, March 29 , 2009

Filed under: Communication,Family,Obedience,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Child Discipline: Spanking and Yelling Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

 

In Part I, I suggested that your intentions may sound good— but doubted that your yelling and swatting actually teaches your son to behave. It works to stop him in the moment—which might sound like a good idea at the time. I asked you to consider the 6 relationship messages embedded in the discipline situations you describe. I call these negative Rules of Engagement.  If you missed it, you can check back in Part 1 to review the discussion.

 

Not only do spanking and yelling bring negativity to the parent-child relationship, when your seven-year-old is older and you disagree, he may imitate and adapt those messages to disrupt your attempts to parent him. There are many examples of how this negativity can sidetrack discipline efforts, shift the power balance away from parents, and damage the parent/teenager relationship. Think about these future possibilities, which are influenced by regular discipline patterns of yelling and spanking.

 

Consider also what parenting opportunities are missed as a result of yelling and spanking. 

 

Message #1- Bigger hits littler. Often adolescents with a history of corporal punishment and yelling from parents become aggressive or violent with peers or younger siblings when disagreements need to be settled.

 

Parenting Opportunity Missed: Demonstrating communication tools

needed to discuss and resolve.

 

Message #2-Anger justifies violence. Teens learn to cope with anger by becoming unapproachable or hostile with profane language and verbal abuse. They may become out of control during arguments and discipline encounters.

They may even act out violently toward parents.

 

Parenting Opportunity Missed: Modeling how to manage and express

anger appropriately.

 

Message #3-He’s a bad person.  When a child is on the receiving end of yelling and spanking, self-esteem is often diminished. Later, as preteens or adolescents, they are more likely to strike out to preserve their self-esteem.  Older kids, in particular, are known to yell to their moms and dads they hate them and that they are bad parents. That is how they interpret what they learned. (And if you are struggling with your parenting, you may already feel like one.)

 

Parenting Opportunity Missed:  Valuing individual self-worth.

 

 

 

In Part III, I will continue with #4 through #6. Check my blog for more discussion on yelling and spanking as discipline strategies. What do you think?

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Parenting-http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

 

 

College Kid Drinking 5 Monday, November 24 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Handling College Student Drinking Part 5

by Dr. Coach Love

 

This is one in a series of several options for parents dealing with underage drinking. For the full discussion, review Parts 1-4 and return for Part 6.

 

6. Keep  the Perspective on Him

 

Were you an underage drinker? Did you come to any harm because of it? Or was your first drink a legal one? Whatever your choices and outcome, keep them in perspective. That was your life, in your setting, in your time. This is your adolescent’s life, not yours. Do not over or under identify with your kid on this issue. Remain the parent.

 

While there is no such thing as ‘responsible underage drinking’, there are many underage drinkers who handle alcohol use in the same way that responsible adult social drinkers do. They get into ‘no extra trouble’ because of drinking. And, of course, college students can be engaged in abusive and dangerous binge alcohol patterns without being addicted. Is there a family history of chemical dependency? Might his drinking be alcoholism? Which type of underage drinker represents your son?

 

Whether his drinking habits are similar to responsible, non-addicted adults, or are abusive, dangerous, and/or addictive, apply your values and judgments to HIS situation, and not place too much reliance on your underage drinking history or abstinence. Keep HIS drinking in the correct perspective. Basing your parenting of him primarily on YOUR experiences will likely leave you shortsighted in your approach.

 

Become clear about what type of drinker your son has become and use that information to structure your parenting decisions.

 

(NOTE: The issue of family heredity and alcoholism is beyond the scope of this blog. Please contact a professional mental health addiction specialist if this is your concern.)

 

Check for the last part of the discussion. What do you think?

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 5/13/08, 5/18/08, 5/19/08, 5/23/08,

                                          11/02/08, 11/06/08, 11/14/08,11/20/08   

                             Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking,

                                      9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking

                             Quizzes- Teen Drinking Choices,

                                           Underage Drinking

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

College Kid Drinking 4 Thursday, November 20 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Parenting,Relationships,feelings,secrets — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Handling College Student Drinking Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

 

Here is the continuation of several options to parent an underage student away at college who drinks. Check back with Parts 1-3 for the other options.

 

4. Leverage with Resources

 

Examine what leverage and resources you have to influence your son’s use of alcohol. Of course, factor in the level of your concerns with family values as you ask yourself these questions and consider the rest of this discussion. Examples:

 

  1. Cut off funding for his out-of-town education if he continues to drink. Could you? Would you?
  2. Limit/cutoff access to a car. Could you? Would you?
  3. Cut back on financial support. Could you? Would you?

 

Chances are these are not effective measures to influence his drinking choices. Imposing these potential consequences on your college student could drive his drinking underground and add dishonesty to your difficulties in parenting him long distance. But you must evaluate and weigh the potential outcome of applying leverage with resources. If you decide to apply leverage, do so carefully. You may end up creating more problems than you solve.

 

But what if his grades are acceptable despite his drinking habits?  Does that alter your response to his drinking? Should unsatisfactory grades (and not the drinking) be the primary reason to cut off financial support or car access?

 

Imposing high impact consequences, however justifiable from your viewpoint, frequently derail family relationships and breakdown communication. High-level conflict and relationship cut off are common results. Parents are pushed even more outside of the information/ influence/ parental help loop.

 

Learn how to have an open dialogue with your son about his drinking. Work on discussing how, when, and why he drinks without becoming threatening and judgmental. Remember, you cannot hope to influence or understand his drinking without respectful communication.  You certainly can disagree and express your fear with his choices. Refrain from becoming excessively confrontational or emotional—especially angry.

 

More options and discussion are on the way soon. What do you think?

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

(NOTE: The issue of family heredity and alcoholism is beyond the scope of this blog. Please contact a professional mental health addiction specialist if this is your concern.)

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 5/13/08, 5/18/08, 5/19/08, 5/23/08,

                                           11/02/08, 11/06/08, 11/14/08   

                             Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking,

                                      9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking

                             Quizzes- Teen Drinking Choices,

                                          Underage Drinking

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

College Kid Drinking 2 Thursday, November 6 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Handling College Student Drinking Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

 

In Part 1, I indicated that although many of today’s college kids have had alcohol education before high school age, many still choose underage drinking, especially during college. Parents are often at a loss on how to parent on this difficult problem— especially when the underage drinker is away at school. A first option is to check with the college for resources. Return to Part 1 for the discussion.  Here’s another thought to consider.

 

2. Respect Your Limits

 

Respect your parenting limits regarding your responsibility both to and for your college student. As parents, we generally feel that we “shouldn’t allow” our children/adolescents to engage in potentially destructive behavior, such as underage drinking.

 

The scary reality is that even our young children are regularly in situations where they make choices without our approval or knowledge. We are left without control and only the possibility that our ‘influence’ will weigh in on their choices in our absence.

 

We must learn the limits of our parenting. Control and fear based parenting can be effective in the short term with young children—and often even seem necessary, but the longer term impact may not be so effective or positive. Parenting based on influence and respect for the rights of your child/adolescent, however, has a positive impact, which can last into adulthood and even for a lifetime.

 

(More info on parenting limits is located at the links at the end of this blog.)

 

The importance of recognizing the parenting limits that are right for you is particularly true when you have a college student living on campus. Be fair to yourself and understand that you are not “allowing” him to drink. You cannot choose for him whether he drinks. You can choose your response to his drinking. Learn how to be influential in his life.

 

Work hard to do what it takes to keep communication open with him.

Determine where your parenting limits need to be, that is, be neither under involved or overbearing in your adolescent’s life. Develop your limits and follow them.

 

Check back for more options related to participating in arguments and debates about underage drinking.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

(NOTE: The issue of family heredity and alcoholism is beyond the scope of this blog. Please contact a professional mental health addiction specialist if this is your concern.)

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 5/13/08, 5/18/08, 5/19/08, 5/23/08,

                                           11/02/08, 11/14/08, 11/20/08 

                             Articles- Parenting Without Limits (Coming Soon)  

                             Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking,

                                      9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking

                             Quizzes- Teen Drinking Choices,

                                          Underage Drinking

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.