By Dr. Coach Love

I love my husband, but as a former corporate executive for many years with lots of authority over many people, he can be very controlling, so much so that I have nearly forgotten who I am. Every little thing has to be his way because he says it is the best way. He takes offense if I offer suggestions or a different way of doing something. It seems that I cannot even have my own opinion. We are financially comfortable and both contribute about the same. Recently, I started my own account and when I told him about it he blew up. He told me to take that money and pay off his bills. His behavior and words get very ugly and he often sulks in silence for weeks when he gets angry to punish me. He often behaves toward me like he is my boss — not my husband and partner. What can I do to regain myself?

Many corporations and military systems rely on an established hierarchy of people for their organizational processes— including decision-making. A common personal relationship problem occurs when individuals, who are in authority or part of a hierarchical system at work, believe that they “outrank” their spouses or intimate relationship partners and become controlling at home.

Rank has no place in a healthy and loving marriage or intimate partnership. When we enter marriage or another type of intimate partnership, we work together and compromise for the good of the relationship, but we also do not give up all of our individual rights. Here is a list of 8 basic individual rights we all have—even when our feelings, ideas, or needs differ from or conflict with those of our spouse or intimate partner.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO…

1. Hold our own opinion.
2. Express our opinion reasonably and be heard with respect.
3. Spend some money as we please.
4. Privacy.
5. Take some individual time/ alone time.
6. Have and express our feelings without criticism.
7. Be free of fear in our relationship.
8. Choose whether to have sex with our partner.

When we do not exercise our rights, we can lose who we are. Still, we can consciously  

decide not to exercise our rights; but feeling compelled to surrender or

having our rights taken away from us by our partner can be a sign of a controlling

relationship. Controlling relationships are typically based on consistently

executing the rights of one person at the expense of rights of the other. Controlling relationships generally have little or no compromise.

Which of the 8 basic individual rights listed above do you have and

choose to execute in your marriage? Understand, however, that exercising

our rights, at times, can violate or nullify the rights of our partners. In

healthy marriages, spouses acknowledge both their own and the rights of

their partner. In times of conflict of rights, partners work together to

build healthy solutions.

What do you think? In Parts 2 and 3, I will continue discussion. Review the link listed below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior and control freaks.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

If you know a control freak, or think you might be one, catch up with the discussion by returning to Parts 1-5.

Here are 4 coaching tips to redirect controlling behavior and reduce it to a less toxic level.

·        Increase your self-esteem.

·        Decrease your anxiety.

·        Learn to read social cues.

·        Develop interactive social relationships.

Self-Esteem

• When a person has a healthy level of self-esteem, the need for controlling behavior is reduced. Both self-esteem and the corresponding level of self confidence protect us from fears of being wrong or criticized if we make a mistake. How’s your self-esteem?

Anxiety

• Anxiety about being wrong can also fuel controlling behavior. This goes back to the messages you carry in your head. How important is the opinion of others toward you? Ideally, we put more weight in the opinions of people with whom we have close relationships. The value we place on the opinions of strangers and others unimportant to us should naturally be much lower — or perhaps of no importance at all.

• Is that controlling person in your life also anxious? Are you anxious?

Social Cues

• Reading social cues from other people is a crucial relationship skill. Can we read how they are reading us? Do they read us correctly? This idea leads us to the strength and clarity of our communication skills.

• We read cues through spoken words, tone, body language, and various signals. When we misread social cues, or not bother to read at all, we create the risk of engaging in controlling behavior— rather than collaborative interactions.

Interactive Relationships

• People thrive in relationships where there is a smooth and healthy give and take of both effort and power. Healthy relationships are not about being in control. Often individuals who frequently engage in controlling behavior, struggle to fit in with others in social situations. Do you feel like you fit in? Are you superior? Inferior?

• When you are in control of the situation, do you feel a genuine closeness or attachment to the people around you? If you are engaging in controlling behavior, your connections to others are likely weak.

Work on the four areas above. Enlist the assistance of trusted friends and family. Have them describe the specific behaviors/habits you have they find controlling. If you know others who (are truthful but) do not find you controlling, seek their help, too. Ask if you can pick their brains on what it is about you that others find controlling— yet they do not.

No matter how long you have held the self image (or reputation) of being a control freak, you can change. Utilize the help of friends, family, and mental-health professionals as needed. You can do it!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

Archives-1/09/09, 1/14/09, 1/28/09, 2/08/09; 2/22/08, 2/23/08, 2/24/08, 3/06/08, 3/07/08, 3/08/08, 3/18/08, 3/19/08, 3/21/08, 5/25/08, 5/31/08, 6/03/08, 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/22/08, 8/25/08 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Parts 1 & 2, we’ve been taking a look at how people can be controlling. Refer back for more info. Take heart. In my experience, most control freaks are not evil monsters or bad people. Mainly, they lack experience or skill in self editing, compromise, and negotiation.

SELF-EDITING

Do you know how to make conscious decisions about what to say and what to keep to yourself?

·        _________ Being real means that you have consideration for others.

·        _________ Understanding “free speech” in relationships means knowing that not everything needs to be said.

·        __________ Never hide behind the words, “ Well, I was just being honest.”

·        __________ Free speech is not saying everything you want —- but rather recognizing that you can say it, knowing that you don’t have to say it, and choosing whether it is appropriate to say it.

COMPROMISE & NEGOTIATION

What type of feedback have you gotten in your relationships?

·        _________ Have you specifically been called controlling?

·        _________ Have other adjectives been used to describe you as well: selfish, know it all, gotta be right all the time, must have your way, pushy, bossy, think you’re always right, etc.?

If you don’t know, find out. And when you do, don’t get into a big denial trip. Instead, think about what it is you do that causes people to describe you in that way.

I think you get the idea. These traits clustered together usually create a personality that is described as a control freak.

Still believe you are a control freak?

The good news is that you can use your controlling nature to control yourself. You just need to send yourself the right messages.

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 2/02/09, 1/14/09, 1/09/09, 2/22/08, 2/23/08, 2/24/08, 3/06/08, 3/07/08, 3/08/08, 3/18/08, 3/19/08, 3/21/08, 5/25/08, 5/31/08, 6/03/08, 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/22/08, 8/25/08 

Quiz/List-Marriage: Being Controlling, Marriage Giving, Stop Nagging Tips, Control Freaks: 7 Types

Reflections- Need to Be Right, On Being Right in Conversations, Controlling a Control Freak, Stubbornness

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

Congratulations! You are on your way to beating being a control freak. You’ve taken the first step by recognizing it and looking for help. You can change.

Although you must always look to yourself to make changes and take responsibility, it still is important to understand the interaction and behavior patterns you have with your past girlfriends. We both shape and are shaped by the important people in our lives—especially in our intimate relationships.

Or course, the only person you can change is YOU. But recognizing your triggers, beliefs, and vulnerabilities is necessary for you to know how to change. While you may in general be a controlling type person, you may only become freakish about it if you are with a certain type of person. For example “people pleasers” may put you at risk to put your worst foot forward in a controlling way.

Recognizing relationship patterns is not about blaming anyone else for your actions. Nevertheless, in some of your failed relationships, your girlfriend may have unconsciously set you up to take control. This might happen if she tended to be excessively passive or overly accommodating. That is, she tried to please you all the time or was reluctant to speak up and give her opinion. If you are a “take charge” kind of guy, then naturally it would be easy for you to make all the decisions and get your way.

In the beginning of a relationship, your girlfriend may find this acceptable. Ultimately, for any healthy relationship, controlling behavior does not create happiness for both people.  

Controlling relationships cannot be healthy ones. In this series of blogs, I will talk about triggers, beliefs, and controlling behaviors. I will offer tips on what you can do to change.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If any of your controlling behavior has lead to violence or abuse, please seek the help of a qualified professional immediately.

What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-1/14/09, 2/22/08, 2/23/08, 2/24/08, 3/06/08, 3/07/08, 3/08/08, 3/18/08, 3/19/08, 3/21/08, 5/25/08, 5/31/08, 6/03/08, 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/22/08, 8/25/08 

Quiz/List-Marriage: Being Controlling, Marriage Giving, Stop Nagging Tips, Control Freaks: 7 Types

Reflections- Need to Be Right, On Being Right in Conversations, Controlling a Control Freak, Stubbornness

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.