Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips » Marriage

More Compliments in Marriage: Positive Feedback, Not Neediness? Part 2

drcoachlove — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 02:14:29 +0000

In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens. However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers?

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback. Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

Recognize they deserve more feedback.
Appreciate that they care what you think.
Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking. Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

“That shirt looks good on you.”
“I like that color.”
“I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

My opinion on this is enough.
I can tell s/he likes it.
Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

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Ending Affair and Telling Wife–Part 1

drcoachlove — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:57:03 +0000

If a man has an affair with this first real love for a long period before ending it, should he tell his wife?

________________________________________________________________________

Aside from any moral breach you (or readers) may believe, there are serious relationship injuries that inevitably arise in both solid and weaker marriages, whether infidelity is prolonged or brief. Further, whether secretive, in the open, suspected, or disclosed, infidelity compromises the integrity, trust, security, and, most importantly, the physical and emotional intimacy in a marriage or relationship.

Now I could continue for hours questioning you about your spouse, the quality of your marriage, your affair partner, details of your affair, family background, reasons you do not divorce, and other life specifics, which describe, or explain the “why” you chose to have an affair. None of that info really provides the answer to your question because marital dissatisfaction does NOT cause infidelity—infidelity was your choice.

Most folks do not choose infidelity as the response to marital dissatisfaction—-many just go play bingo (or immerse themselves in Angry Birds or other attention consuming activities). Others separate, divorce, or seek therapy/ relationship coaching.

Here are the FIVE major results from infidelity:

Marital dissatisfaction remains and usually increases.
Infidelity delays facing dissatisfaction.
Infidelity complicates marital shortcomings.
Infidelity is a major obstacle to marital repair or recovery.
Infidelity deeply wounds and is emotionally destructive beyond what most can imagine.

This is the foundation for my response to your question which will follow in Part 2.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

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Marriage and Control 1

drcoachlove — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 23:42:21 +0000

Marriage and Control: Balancing Individual Rights- Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

Without going into details, although our parents have been married for over 30 years now, neither his parents nor mine have been the best of role models for a healthy intimate relationship. We have been married for five years and our relationship is beginning to look like that of our parents. We love our parents, but…we don’t want to repeat their marriages. Yet, we seem to be struggling with each other for control.

In his family, his dad is the dominant one; in mine, it’s my mother who is very bossy. My husband and I agree that our parents’ marriages are based on control. It looks to us like their marriages only continue because one gives in to the control of the other.

We are getting tired of the repeated conflict between us. How can we change our relationship before we get locked into an unhealthy controlling pattern— sort of like our parents?

_________________________________________________________________

It is greatly helpful for you that you both can see what goes on between your sets of parents. Understanding the dynamics in your parents’ marriages is an excellent start to understanding your own. Chances are good that, in the early years, your parents’ marriages looked similar to yours with lots of conflict. Instead of learning to create a balance of individual rights and respect for differences, your parents may have adapted to a power struggle by one of them becoming submissive to avoid conflict. May be and could be…

A popular theme used at weddings has been “and the two shall become one.” ‘ONE’ what? Which ‘ONE’? Why only ‘ONE’? You do not lose your individuality and rights when you enter into marriage. I believe that this is a serious misstatement about the dynamic process of a healthy marriage.

More appropriately stated, the theme of a healthy marriage should be “and the two shall become ONE COUPLE of people”. The difference in this second statement reflects that two people still exist and are joined together to meet both common and individual goals in life. You do not lose your self in marriage. In fact, your sense of self and esteem ideally becomes stronger and better developed through your intimate connection. Is this what you would like to do in your marriage?

You do not always have to agree or share the same opinion after you get married. Your ideas do not have to match. Richness and variety in relationships grow from the newness each brings. Couples only need a ‘reasonable’ overlap in values and goals— joined with respect for differences. Conflict and differences are normal in healthy relationships. Differences must be addressed and aired out between partners.

In this ongoing series of blogs on marriage and control, I will discuss individual rights, how to balance them, how to deal with differences, and to handle conflict in a healthy manner. Check back for more discussion. You will be able to grow your marriage without destructive conflict.

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/iii-controlling-behavior-controlling-people/

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Controlling Husband-Loss of Self 4

drcoachlove — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:09:04 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self- Part 4

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 3, the options of marital and individual therapy to assist in breaking down controlling patterns were reviewed. When the controlling person refuses to enter into marriage counseling, the other partner can enter individual therapy to work on the marriage problem from their end.

In response, their controlling partner, who remains outside of therapy, may begin to change with a sincere and demonstrable change in behavior or express a motivation to join in the therapy. This can be an excellent sign.

Nevertheless, if the controlling behavior is pervasive and/or abusive, when the sole partner works in therapy to change their part of the control dynamic— it is not without a serious risk:

An escalation or beginning of physical violence is a real possibility. If this occurs, be sure to seek professional help immediately—mental health, medical, and/or legal.

The other risks include these types of responses from the partner not in therapy:

1. A temporary pseudo change in behavior until “the heat dies down”

2. A “punishing” demeanor of avoidance

3. Sudden sulking or emotionally dependant behavior

4. Greater intensity in emotional or verbal battering

5. Throwing up physical or financial obstacles to continuing in therapy

6. Threats of divorce with increased pressure to return to old behavior

7. Increased efforts to isolate the other from sources of support

Meanwhile, the partner in therapy may outgrow the marriage and leave.

Controlling dynamics in partnerships generally take away the sense of self from the non-controlling partner. Building self-esteem through focusing on positive relationships and activities that have been abandoned or neglected can return the individual to a sense of self.

There is no ‘good’ or ‘right’ time to stand up and create a new boundary in a controlling relationship. The ‘best’ time is before you lose yourself and can gain the strength and support to choose a change in your life. The choice is not easy

—but it is yours to make.

Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Husband Wants More Attention and Sex

drcoachlove — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:48:17 +0000

Husband Wants More Attention and Sex

by Dr. Coach Love

We have been married almost 10 years. We both work full-time and have two children. My husband works hard at his job and at home but has expressed his discontent that I don’t give him enough attention— look at him, show affection, talk to him, spend time with him, and (of course) initiate sex. I know he deserves more attention, but that feels like just one more thing on my to-do list. It stresses me out. Tips, please?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Whether your to-do list is mental, electronic, or on paper, attention to your husband (and marriage) “should” be on that list. If you value your marriage and love your husband, marital attention can become a priority at the top of your list. And if you want family stability, remember, your marriage is the foundation for your family. Strong marriages make for strong families.

You don’t paint your husband as particularly high maintenance or a slacker. And it sounds like you get stressed whether you give him attention or don’t. A solid marriage will reduce stress through good communication. Do you get enough of the kind of attention you want? Are you fully satisfied with your marriage? Maybe you are playing the “when this happens game” . Are you delaying attention to your marriage for when—

… the kids are in school…. they become more independent… we can trust a sitter…we don’t have an child activity planned… children are out of the house… we have more money for sitters and dates….blah,blah,blah

Get real. There are no good reasons (or excuses) to neglect your marriage— unless, of course, you don’t care about keeping it. Marital neglect leads to marital dissatisfaction which leads to emotional distance which leads to— well, let’s not go there.

Being on the family fast-track is a real threat to marriage quality because the activity level and stress can lead to marital neglect. Both spouses can be prone to neglect the other in favor of over focusing on children’s needs. Overfocusing on kids can damage marriages!

Yes, I did say over focusing on children. The reality is that the time you spend attending to and nurturing your marriage does not cause a neglect of your children. On the contrary, a marital focus directly benefits your children by strengthening the parental bond.

Here are a few quick tips to consider:

1. Reevaluate your children’s schedule and consider cutting back/carpooling.

2. Work to develop collaborative babysitting resources.

3. Create a list of low-cost, no cost, and at-home activities for date nights.

4. Schedule a regular date night.

5. Plan a Couple’s Love Decathlon.

http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/couples-love-decathlon-recreating-romance-and/

Think about an ounce and a pound. Simple efforts now on a small scale can prevent major weakening of your marital connection. Marital distance can lead to family weakness and destruction.

The best time to restore and enrich loving and intimate connections with each other is today. Pay attention now or risk serious marital dissatisfaction in the future.

What do you think? Check the links below for additional information.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P2

drcoachlove — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:15:58 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I talked about the individual rights we all have and do not lose in marriage or

an intimate partnership. Compromise, collaboration, cooperation, and negotiation are

important processes between spouses/partners when a conflict of rights occur. Control

is an unhealthy dynamic in all intimate partnerships.

Controlling relationships generally have the impact of:

1. Disrespecting, discounting, or degrading a partner in order

to get one’s way.

2. Destroying a partnership and creating a parent/child relationship.

3. Triggering the loss of self for the “lower rank” partner

4. Fostering a climate of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse

5. Building distance in the relationship

6. Creating a “partnership of one”

Partners who yield to the control often:

Are fearful
Have low self-esteem
Practice a pattern of conflict avoidance
Focus habitually on pleasing others at their own expense
Lose self-confidence
Feel isolated or depressed

In relationships where the controlling partner has the self-awareness to acknowledge their control tendencies and expresses the willingness to change, the prospects for a healthy partnership are excellent. When both spouses agree on the problem definition—a controlling dynamic— it becomes less of a challenge to find a mutual solution to create change. With highly motivated partners, self-help materials are available as well as the opportunity to engage professional services from a marriage and family therapist or other mental health professionals.

Check back for the discussion about when the controlling partner is in denial of the impact of the behavior on the relationship.

What do you think? Review the table of contents below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior in this blog.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

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v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P1

drcoachlove — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 23:01:47 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

I love my husband, but as a former corporate executive for many years with lots of authority over many people, he can be very controlling, so much so that I have nearly forgotten who I am. Every little thing has to be his way because he says it is the best way. He takes offense if I offer suggestions or a different way of doing something. It seems that I cannot even have my own opinion. We are financially comfortable and both contribute about the same. Recently, I started my own account and when I told him about it he blew up. He told me to take that money and pay off his bills. His behavior and words get very ugly and he often sulks in silence for weeks when he gets angry to punish me. He often behaves toward me like he is my boss — not my husband and partner. What can I do to regain myself?

Many corporations and military systems rely on an established hierarchy of people for their organizational processes— including decision-making. A common personal relationship problem occurs when individuals, who are in authority or part of a hierarchical system at work, believe that they “outrank” their spouses or intimate relationship partners and become controlling at home.

Rank has no place in a healthy and loving marriage or intimate partnership. When we enter marriage or another type of intimate partnership, we work together and compromise for the good of the relationship, but we also do not give up all of our individual rights. Here is a list of 8 basic individual rights we all have—even when our feelings, ideas, or needs differ from or conflict with those of our spouse or intimate partner.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO…

Hold our own opinion.
Express our opinion reasonably and be heard with respect.
Spend some money as we please.
Privacy.
Take some individual time/ alone time.
Have and express our feelings without criticism.
Be free of fear in our relationship.
Choose whether to have sex with our partner.

When we do not exercise our rights, we can lose who we are. Still, we can consciously

decide not to exercise our rights; but feeling compelled to surrender or

having our rights taken away from us by our partner can be a sign of a controlling

relationship. Controlling relationships are typically based on consistently

executing the rights of one person at the expense of rights of the other. Controlling relationships generally have little or no compromise.

Which of the 8 basic individual rights listed above do you have and

choose to execute in your marriage? Understand, however, that exercising

our rights, at times, can violate or nullify the rights of our partners. In

healthy marriages, spouses acknowledge both their own and the rights of

their partner. In times of conflict of rights, partners work together to

build healthy solutions.

What do you think? In Parts 2 and 3, I will continue discussion. Review the link listed below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior and control freaks.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

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Marriage-Work Friend-Am I Cheating?

drcoachlove — Mon, 11 May 2009 01:41:25 +0000

Marriage And Work Friend: Am I Cheating on My Wife? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

I have a particular friend at work who is going through a rough time. She has been confiding in me more and more about her marriage over the last six months. I listen, but only share a few of my own stories. I tried to be helpful and comfort her. I like her and feel sorry for her. We text each other occasionally on the weekends. Recently, she asked me to meet her after work so we could talk longer. I said I’d check with my wife to see if we already had plans. My friend looked surprised and asked me why I had to get permission. Didn’t I have any privacy, she asked. Now it occurs to me something more is going on here— but I am tempted to go. Am I cheating on my wife?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

What you are describing is at least the beginning stages of an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you. So far, it seems that you have put some limits on it by not sharing too many of your own stories. But …

You mentioned texting each other on the weekend. Big question — – does your wife know about the messaging contact? If you have kept the texting a secret (or private), why? Look out! Secrecy and not sharing the relationship with your wife sets the tone for emotional cheating.

Additionally, your work friend is likely very vulnerable—as are most people when experiencing marital difficulties. Her invitation to meet after work combined with her suggestion that you keep a secret from your wife spells big time trouble with a capital T. Add to that that you are actually tempted to meet her without your wife’s knowledge… Well, I will say that you are at least cheating your wife out of your time, attention, and an opportunity to share with you how you are helping a friend in need.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and in Find –It-Fast for more discussion, tips, and help to identify and prevent emotional cheating.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

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Parenting -Kids Cleaning Up Part 1

drcoachlove — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:44:01 +0000

Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 1

Dr. Coach Love

My husband and I have completely opposite approaches to getting our kids to clean up after themselves. He raises his voice and gets harsh the first time he asks them to do something and usually gets immediate response. He doesn’t believe he should have to tell them more than once. I don’t really think it works that way for our kids. I remain soft-spoken and calm, and follow-up until they do it, which eventually they do. We both get “results” but agree there must be a better way. Any ideas for us?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

As a general rule, since mothers and fathers are individuals with diverse family backgrounds, they often have different— and even opposite— approaches to parenting. That can be okay in your situation since you both feel that you get “results”. But since you are asking about it, I think you might be working against each other on the issue of getting your kids to clean up after themselves.

His loudness may undermine your softness. And your softness, along with repeated follow-up, reinforces his need for automatic loudness to get his desired first time compliance. Is this possibly the situation in your home? Your kids likely have adapted and respond to both styles of parenting. Nevertheless, you don’t like his higher volume harshness and he doesn’t think your repetitive follow-up sends a firm enough message. The truth is that both approaches have potential negative lessons embedded in them.

When parents get loud in order to get kids to clean up, the volume and tone, which maybe not perceived as excessive by the parent, can be perceived by the children as yelling, hollering, rudeness, disrespect, impatience, or maybe felt as a fear factor. Do you want to risk modeling these ways of behaving for your children? Caution is in order to determine whether your children see their dad’s loudness in this way.

When parents remain calm and repeat themselves and follow-up until the job gets done, other negative lessons might be communicated. This approach can spawn thinking that you’ll forget, wear out, put up with stalling, and that a delaying tactic is acceptable. Could your children be thinking this about you?

So what are parents to do? Check back for my next blog in this series for more discussion and suggestions.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Control Freak Kills Relationships 5

drcoachlove — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 20:10:31 +0000

Being a Control Freak Kills My Relationships Part 5

By Dr. Coach Love

Parts 1-4 carry the important beginnings of this discussion on controlling behavior. Check back and get caught up.

Our behavior can vary depending on the company we keep. For example, we may behave differently around work colleagues than we do with our families or friends. People influence our behavior through their interactions with and perceptions of us. Do you tend to be controlling ‘everywhere’? Think about this question carefully because there may be a pattern.

Perhaps you are more controlling in family situations. Got any nests of control freaks in your family tree? Did you learn the behavior from them? Or maybe you feel the urge to control exclusively in your work environment. Feel any pressure to exude confidence and competence? Understanding the different contexts or places of your primary control urges is essential to change your behavior.

Marriages and intimate relationships are settings where controlling behavior can be common. Significant others (or even dating partners) who try too hard to please you may become a problem for you. They could be toxic and trigger your control freak-ism beyond where it might normally go. Why? In seeking to please you, these others may be ‘pushing’ or ‘insisting’ you get your way.

These “partners-in-control’ may wait until you tell them what you want and remain passive about decisions. They may even back off from expressing their own needs— particularly if they sense you disagree. Does this sound familiar? You may be a solid decision-maker and comfortable with it. In other settings it may be a strength. The other may not have that strength. But do you really need (or want) to decide issues all the time in your personal relationships? The other person may lack confidence and avoid decision-making for fear of being wrong. See any similarity here?

Is there anyone in your life who still tries to control you?

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

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