Controlling Husband-Loss of Self 4 Wednesday, July 8 , 2009
Controlling Husband and Loss of Self- Part 4
By Dr. Coach Love
In Part 3, the options of marital and individual therapy to assist in breaking down controlling patterns were reviewed. When the controlling person refuses to enter into marriage counseling, the other partner can enter individual therapy to work on the marriage problem from their end.
In response, their controlling partner, who remains outside of therapy, may begin to change with a sincere and demonstrable change in behavior or express a motivation to join in the therapy. This can be an excellent sign.
Nevertheless, if the controlling behavior is pervasive and/or abusive, when the sole partner works in therapy to change their part of the control dynamic— it is not without a serious risk:
- An escalation or beginning of physical violence is a real possibility. If this occurs, be sure to seek professional help immediately—mental health, medical, and/or legal.
The other risks include these types of responses from the partner not in therapy:
1. A temporary pseudo change in behavior until “the heat dies down”
2. A “punishing” demeanor of avoidance
3. Sudden sulking or emotionally dependant behavior
4. Greater intensity in emotional or verbal battering
5. Throwing up physical or financial obstacles to continuing in therapy
6. Threats of divorce with increased pressure to return to old behavior
7. Increased efforts to isolate the other from sources of support
Meanwhile, the partner in therapy may outgrow the marriage and leave.
Controlling dynamics in partnerships generally take away the sense of self from the non-controlling partner. Building self-esteem through focusing on positive relationships and activities that have been abandoned or neglected can return the individual to a sense of self.
There is no ‘good’ or ‘right’ time to stand up and create a new boundary in a controlling relationship. The ‘best’ time is before you lose yourself and can gain the strength and support to choose a change in your life. The choice is not easy
—but it is yours to make.
Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Husband Wants More Attention and Sex Friday, June 26 , 2009
Husband Wants More Attention and Sex
by Dr. Coach Love
We have been married almost 10 years. We both work full-time and have two children. My husband works hard at his job and at home but has expressed his discontent that I don’t give him enough attention— look at him, show affection, talk to him, spend time with him, and (of course) initiate sex. I know he deserves more attention, but that feels like just one more thing on my to-do list. It stresses me out. Tips, please?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Whether your to-do list is mental, electronic, or on paper, attention to your husband (and marriage) “should” be on that list. If you value your marriage and love your husband, marital attention can become a priority at the top of your list. And if you want family stability, remember, your marriage is the foundation for your family. Strong marriages make for strong families.
You don’t paint your husband as particularly high maintenance or a slacker. And it sounds like you get stressed whether you give him attention or don’t. A solid marriage will reduce stress through good communication. Do you get enough of the kind of attention you want? Are you fully satisfied with your marriage? Maybe you are playing the “when this happens game” . Are you delaying attention to your marriage for when—
… the kids are in school…. they become more independent… we can trust a sitter…we don’t have an child activity planned… children are out of the house… we have more money for sitters and dates….blah,blah,blah
Get real. There are no good reasons (or excuses) to neglect your marriage— unless, of course, you don’t care about keeping it. Marital neglect leads to marital dissatisfaction which leads to emotional distance which leads to— well, let’s not go there.
Being on the family fast-track is a real threat to marriage quality because the activity level and stress can lead to marital neglect. Both spouses can be prone to neglect the other in favor of over focusing on children’s needs. Overfocusing on kids can damage marriages!
Yes, I did say over focusing on children. The reality is that the time you spend attending to and nurturing your marriage does not cause a neglect of your children. On the contrary, a marital focus directly benefits your children by strengthening the parental bond.
Here are a few quick tips to consider:
1. Reevaluate your children’s schedule and consider cutting back/carpooling.
2. Work to develop collaborative babysitting resources.
3. Create a list of low-cost, no cost, and at-home activities for date nights.
4. Schedule a regular date night.
5. Plan a Couple’s Love Decathlon.
http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/couples-love-decathlon-recreating-romance-and/
Think about an ounce and a pound. Simple efforts now on a small scale can prevent major weakening of your marital connection. Marital distance can lead to family weakness and destruction.
The best time to restore and enrich loving and intimate connections with each other is today. Pay attention now or risk serious marital dissatisfaction in the future.
What do you think? Check the links below for additional information.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P2 Tuesday, June 16 , 2009
Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 2
By Dr. Coach Love
In Part 1, I talked about the individual rights we all have and do not lose in marriage or
an intimate partnership. Compromise, collaboration, cooperation, and negotiation are
important processes between spouses/partners when a conflict of rights occur. Control
is an unhealthy dynamic in all intimate partnerships.
Controlling relationships generally have the impact of:
1. Disrespecting, discounting, or degrading a partner in order
to get one’s way.
2. Destroying a partnership and creating a parent/child relationship.
3. Triggering the loss of self for the “lower rank” partner
4. Fostering a climate of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse
5. Building distance in the relationship
6. Creating a “partnership of one”
Partners who yield to the control often:
- Are fearful
- Have low self-esteem
- Practice a pattern of conflict avoidance
- Focus habitually on pleasing others at their own expense
- Lose self-confidence
- Feel isolated or depressed
In relationships where the controlling partner has the self-awareness to acknowledge their control tendencies and expresses the willingness to change, the prospects for a healthy partnership are excellent. When both spouses agree on the problem definition—a controlling dynamic— it becomes less of a challenge to find a mutual solution to create change. With highly motivated partners, self-help materials are available as well as the opportunity to engage professional services from a marriage and family therapist or other mental health professionals.
Check back for the discussion about when the controlling partner is in denial of the impact of the behavior on the relationship.
What do you think? Review the table of contents below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior in this blog.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P1 Friday, June 12 , 2009
Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 1
By Dr. Coach Love
I love my husband, but as a former corporate executive for many years with lots of authority over many people, he can be very controlling, so much so that I have nearly forgotten who I am. Every little thing has to be his way because he says it is the best way. He takes offense if I offer suggestions or a different way of doing something. It seems that I cannot even have my own opinion. We are financially comfortable and both contribute about the same. Recently, I started my own account and when I told him about it he blew up. He told me to take that money and pay off his bills. His behavior and words get very ugly and he often sulks in silence for weeks when he gets angry to punish me. He often behaves toward me like he is my boss — not my husband and partner. What can I do to regain myself?
Many corporations and military systems rely on an established hierarchy of people for their organizational processes— including decision-making. A common personal relationship problem occurs when individuals, who are in authority or part of a hierarchical system at work, believe that they “outrank” their spouses or intimate relationship partners and become controlling at home.
Rank has no place in a healthy and loving marriage or intimate partnership. When we enter marriage or another type of intimate partnership, we work together and compromise for the good of the relationship, but we also do not give up all of our individual rights. Here is a list of 8 basic individual rights we all have—even when our feelings, ideas, or needs differ from or conflict with those of our spouse or intimate partner.
WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO…
- Hold our own opinion.
- Express our opinion reasonably and be heard with respect.
- Spend some money as we please.
- Privacy.
- Take some individual time/ alone time.
- Have and express our feelings without criticism.
- Be free of fear in our relationship.
- Choose whether to have sex with our partner.
When we do not exercise our rights, we can lose who we are. Still, we can consciously
decide not to exercise our rights; but feeling compelled to surrender or
having our rights taken away from us by our partner can be a sign of a controlling
relationship. Controlling relationships are typically based on consistently
executing the rights of one person at the expense of rights of the other. Controlling relationships generally have little or no compromise.
Which of the 8 basic individual rights listed above do you have and
choose to execute in your marriage? Understand, however, that exercising
our rights, at times, can violate or nullify the rights of our partners. In
healthy marriages, spouses acknowledge both their own and the rights of
their partner. In times of conflict of rights, partners work together to
build healthy solutions.
What do you think? In Parts 2 and 3, I will continue discussion. Review the link listed below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior and control freaks.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Marriage-Work Friend-Am I Cheating? Sunday, May 10 , 2009
Marriage And Work Friend: Am I Cheating on My Wife? Part 1
By Dr. Coach Love
I have a particular friend at work who is going through a rough time. She has been confiding in me more and more about her marriage over the last six months. I listen, but only share a few of my own stories. I tried to be helpful and comfort her. I like her and feel sorry for her. We text each other occasionally on the weekends. Recently, she asked me to meet her after work so we could talk longer. I said I’d check with my wife to see if we already had plans. My friend looked surprised and asked me why I had to get permission. Didn’t I have any privacy, she asked. Now it occurs to me something more is going on here— but I am tempted to go. Am I cheating on my wife?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
What you are describing is at least the beginning stages of an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you. So far, it seems that you have put some limits on it by not sharing too many of your own stories. But …
You mentioned texting each other on the weekend. Big question — – does your wife know about the messaging contact? If you have kept the texting a secret (or private), why? Look out! Secrecy and not sharing the relationship with your wife sets the tone for emotional cheating.
Additionally, your work friend is likely very vulnerable—as are most people when experiencing marital difficulties. Her invitation to meet after work combined with her suggestion that you keep a secret from your wife spells big time trouble with a capital T. Add to that that you are actually tempted to meet her without your wife’s knowledge… Well, I will say that you are at least cheating your wife out of your time, attention, and an opportunity to share with you how you are helping a friend in need.
What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and in Find –It-Fast for more discussion, tips, and help to identify and prevent emotional cheating.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Parenting -Kids Cleaning Up Part 1 Wednesday, May 6 , 2009
Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 1
Dr. Coach Love
My husband and I have completely opposite approaches to getting our kids to clean up after themselves. He raises his voice and gets harsh the first time he asks them to do something and usually gets immediate response. He doesn’t believe he should have to tell them more than once. I don’t really think it works that way for our kids. I remain soft-spoken and calm, and follow-up until they do it, which eventually they do. We both get “results” but agree there must be a better way. Any ideas for us?
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
As a general rule, since mothers and fathers are individuals with diverse family backgrounds, they often have different— and even opposite— approaches to parenting. That can be okay in your situation since you both feel that you get “results”. But since you are asking about it, I think you might be working against each other on the issue of getting your kids to clean up after themselves.
His loudness may undermine your softness. And your softness, along with repeated follow-up, reinforces his need for automatic loudness to get his desired first time compliance. Is this possibly the situation in your home? Your kids likely have adapted and respond to both styles of parenting. Nevertheless, you don’t like his higher volume harshness and he doesn’t think your repetitive follow-up sends a firm enough message. The truth is that both approaches have potential negative lessons embedded in them.
When parents get loud in order to get kids to clean up, the volume and tone, which maybe not perceived as excessive by the parent, can be perceived by the children as yelling, hollering, rudeness, disrespect, impatience, or maybe felt as a fear factor. Do you want to risk modeling these ways of behaving for your children? Caution is in order to determine whether your children see their dad’s loudness in this way.
When parents remain calm and repeat themselves and follow-up until the job gets done, other negative lessons might be communicated. This approach can spawn thinking that you’ll forget, wear out, put up with stalling, and that a delaying tactic is acceptable. Could your children be thinking this about you?
So what are parents to do? Check back for my next blog in this series for more discussion and suggestions.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights Reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Control Freak Kills Relationships 5 Sunday, February 15 , 2009
Being a Control Freak Kills My Relationships Part 5
By Dr. Coach Love
Parts 1-4 carry the important beginnings of this discussion on controlling behavior. Check back and get caught up.
Our behavior can vary depending on the company we keep. For example, we may behave differently around work colleagues than we do with our families or friends. People influence our behavior through their interactions with and perceptions of us. Do you tend to be controlling ‘everywhere’? Think about this question carefully because there may be a pattern.
Perhaps you are more controlling in family situations. Got any nests of control freaks in your family tree? Did you learn the behavior from them? Or maybe you feel the urge to control exclusively in your work environment. Feel any pressure to exude confidence and competence? Understanding the different contexts or places of your primary control urges is essential to change your behavior.
Marriages and intimate relationships are settings where controlling behavior can be common. Significant others (or even dating partners) who try too hard to please you may become a problem for you. They could be toxic and trigger your control freak-ism beyond where it might normally go. Why? In seeking to please you, these others may be ‘pushing’ or ‘insisting’ you get your way.
These “partners-in-control’ may wait until you tell them what you want and remain passive about decisions. They may even back off from expressing their own needs— particularly if they sense you disagree. Does this sound familiar? You may be a solid decision-maker and comfortable with it. In other settings it may be a strength. The other may not have that strength. But do you really need (or want) to decide issues all the time in your personal relationships? The other person may lack confidence and avoid decision-making for fear of being wrong. See any similarity here?
Is there anyone in your life who still tries to control you?
What do you think? Check back for more options.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
Archives-
1/09/09, 1/14/09, 1/28/09, 2/08/09; 2/27/09; 2/22/08, 2/23/08, 2/24/08, 3/06/08, 3/07/08, 3/08/08, 3/18/08, 3/19/08, 3/21/08, 5/25/08, 5/31/08, 6/03/08, 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/22/08, 8/25/08
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Meaningful Retirement 3 Thursday, December 11 , 2008
Finding Meaningful Retirement- Part 3
by Dr. Coach Love
In Part 1, I expressed the view that numerous resources are available to provide excellent checklists of retirement activities. I approached your retirement question from a different perspective— your marital relationship. For Part 2, I talked about Retirement Couch Potatoes and depression. Check out those discussions.
As a milestone, entering the retirement years creates unlimited possibilities for new experiences and discoveries—-but only if you seek them. Retirement enriches a marriage if you seek new experiences and discoveries together.
One approach to creating a retirement vision that will suit both of you is to do a marriage inventory. It would look something like this:
1. What has been the primary strength of your marriage through the years? How can you build on those strengths?
2. In the beginning, what did you do together that was enjoyable? Could that activity be resurrected in some way?
3. How much time do you want to spend together as a couple? How much individual time is desired?
4. How strong are your compromise and negotiation skills with each other? Discuss your successes through the years.
5. Is volunteering and community service work an area of activity on which you agree?
6. Are there any old grudges or nitpicky habits that each needs to let go?
7. What are your values?
è Is leisure or productivity more important?
è Is it important to focus on grandparenting or other family relationships?
è How will you spend your money?
è What new things would you like to learn?
è How will you keep healthy and active?
Enlist your husband’s cooperation in the marital inventory above. Working on this project together can build a foundation for your retirement life plan. Use the disagreements and discussion as beginning template for designing your relationship for a successful retirement.
As an option, you can complete the Marriage and Retirement Quiz on this site. When you finish, you can go to the checklists of retirement activities with your marriage inventory/quiz in hand. Your answers and compromises will guide your choices consistent with your vision together
If you find that you struggle doing this together, consider seeking the professional services of a marriage and family therapist or relationship telephone coach.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 11/27/08, 12/01/08
Lists- Use of Free Time Arguments
Quizzes- Marriage and Retirement Quiz
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
Emotional Cheating-Work Friends 6 Friday, December 5 , 2008
When Are Work Friends Too Friendly? Part 6
by Dr. Coach Love
In Parts 1-5, I began the discussion of what to do if you discover or suspect your spouse to be emotionally cheating. There are many choices on how to respond. Check back to catch up on all the discussion and options.
Option D: You decide not to confront your spouse because you are sure there is no sexual cheating involved. Your spouse “would never do that.” You don’t like the idea of the emotional cheating, but your spouse always seems to need emotional connection more than you do. You ignore your discovery.
This approach to suspected emotional cheating is a risky one. Opposite sex friends who share many intimate emotions, may give in to desire and temptation to seek one thing more from their relationship. Taking comfort thinking “my spouse would never have sex with somebody else” has proven to be a seriously unfortunate belief for some.
1. Are you giving your spouse a pass on emotional cheating so that you don’t have to work harder to express emotions in your marriage?
2. Is it easier or more convenient for you to have your spouse occupy his or her time with that friendship?
3. Does this allow you to focus intensely on your work and not concern yourself with his/her emotional needs?
4. Do you feel that give this gives you more “space”?
Any inclination to give your spouse a pass on emotional cheating could lead to a traumatic outcome with no easy or quick return—if any.
What do you think? Check back for more options.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS:
POLLS- Emotional Cheating-Work Friends
Archives- 3/24/08, 3/25/08, 3/31/08, 4/2/08, 4/5/08, 4/12/08, 7/13/08, 7/18/08, 10/18/08, 10/23/08, 10/28/08, 11/10/08, 11/17/08
Lists-Sexual Affair and Healing
Quizzes- Emotional Cheating Quiz
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
