by Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1 and 2, we discussed how avoiding certain types of communication causes missed learning opportunities to develop skills in relationships. These skills are necessary to build intimacy in your relationship. 

Since your significant other has a child with his soon-to-be former spouse and the always-to-be mother of his child, they have critical transitional tasks to complete related to co-parenting.  They got “stuff” to do to flip their roles with each other.  Their interaction together will likely cause tough emotional situations for you to navigate such as the following: 

1. Situations in which his loyalty to her seems to trump his loyalty to you.
2. A lack of knowledge or information about their relationship and contact because he keeps it separate from his relationship with you.
3. Sensations of jealousy or mistrust about the nature of their relationship, especially if you have weaknesses in those areas.
4. An unknown risk or possibility that their marriage is truly not over and reconciliation may occur— particularly for the sake of their child.
5. A special type of bonding through co-parenting that you cannot share.
6. Accepting the type of love and caring they still feel for each other and the way they show it.
7. Difficulties and stress with the divorce negotiation process.
8. Your anger and personal opinions about unfairness regarding child support, custodial arrangements, and the overkill of “special favors” he may continue to do “for her” claiming they are for the overall benefit of their child.

 Does this sound like a huge laundry list of hurdles? It is. Check a huge bundle of your emotional sensitivities at the door. They will likely be trounced on regularly. 

The responsibility for change rests with both of you. Becoming less sensitive to his choices must be matched with his becoming more sensitive to your feelings and becoming more accommodating. Change must be a two-way street in order for both parties in a relationship to be benefited and feel a balance. 

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, we talked about how jealousy and lying early in a relationship undermined opportunities to build a healthy union. When you avoid communication in the ways you describe, you miss 4 critical relationship building opportunities. They are how to:

       1.      Assert and balance your individual rights

     You each have rights to privacy and to make decisions

      independently of each other; however, building a relationship

      means you let go of some of your privacy rights  and learn to

      co-ordinate decision-making.

      2.  Handle differences of opinion

           Differences of opinion are normal and natural in all

           relationships. When you avoid exposing and solving differences,

           that avoidance  leads to frustration,  disappointment, and

           distrust.

      3.  Work through conflict

            While all conflict cannot lead to agreement, the relationship

            skills of compromise, collaboration, and negotiation are

           important to develop for a successful reationship. 

4.  Establish boundaries

      Boundaries are the limits between you and another person. 

      Setting boundaries is distinguishing between what decisions and

       choices are solely yours and those that belong to the other

       person—-along with those made jointly to build partnership

       while  preserving individuality.

These are four top skills necessary to build intimacy in your relationship. Biting the bullet on this learning curve early in a relationship is smart because it does not get easier later. It actually becomes more difficult because mistrust often gets in the way of discussion and learning. Diving into the learning process will generate new information about the other and the viability or potential lifespan of your relationship will surface quickly. Why delay?

Check back in Part 3 for information and discussion about the important transitional tasks that your boyfriend and his soon-to-be former spouse need to master to allow your relationship together to proceed in a healthy way.  But until this new level is achieved, you will likely have to deal with a number of relationship issues they must work through together.

 What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

I have been in a monogamous relationship for about six months. My boyfriend and I live together although he is not yet divorced. He and his wife have a child together.  I had plans last weekend and did not go with him to his guy friend’s birthday party. Because he’d be drinking, I knew he was staying overnight. The next day, something didn’t seem right but I was afraid to ask about it. I checked his phone without permission, but didn’t know what I was looking for and didn’t find anything. Feeling guilty, I confessed to him that I checked his phone and he was very upset. 

Then I asked him if anything did happen at the party, and he admitted that when he returned his son to his wife before the party, she had a sitter and was ready to go out on her own. His wife knew the birthday guy, too, so he just invited her to go. He didn’t want me to get upset so he didn’t tell me. They are just friends, he says. I think he lied to me, and he’s angry because he thinks I was invading his privacy. How do we work around this kind of stuff?

________________________________________________________________________

 The fact that the two of you got together before his marriage ended officially, creates disadvantages for a healthy start to your new relationship—there are definitely built-in hurdles to jump. 

With the incident you describe, clearly you both did exactly the same thing— avoided communication for fear of conflict and upsetting the other. Call it whatever—egg shells, concern, lies, cheating, sneakiness, jealousy, distrust or privacy— you failed to be open with each other. You either take the risk of emotional vulnerability or risk a failed relationship. 

At the surface, this avoidance motive may seem to be protective or not-boat-rocking; however, choices of this nature will not move your relationship in an intimate direction. 

When you avoid communication in ways like this, you miss 4 critical learning opportunities.  Check back next time when I explain what they are. 

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1& 2, where I discussed the reasons people lie and ideas for parents to help reduce teen lying….

While upsetting and frustrating, many kids will some times lie about some things. Keep it in perspective. SO—

1.      Do not overreact.

2.      Respond calmly.

3.      Be sure to address any lie you discover.

4.      Determine the goal of the lie. 

5.      Have a conversation about the loss of trust that accompanies lies.

6.      Show your disappointment respectfully.

7.      Express your clear hopes that he can trust you enough

       to tell the truth in the future.

8.      Ask what you can do to encourage and accept truth from him.

9.      As far as consequences for lying from teens, the more natural the consequence, the better.

Remember, for most people, lies are not about lying.  Lies are about personal boundaries. Be sure that your parental boundaries are not setting your child up to lie. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Reduce Teen Lying-6 Tips (Coming Soon);

                                  Posts- Pt1 7/23/08; Pt2 7/26/08;

                                  Quizzes- Teens and Lying

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                  brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Child Discipline: It’s Not About Lying Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part1…Review Part 1 for the 5 basic reasons adults and children lie.  Consider setting a better stage for truth telling in your family with these 7 coaching tips, which may help reduce the situations in which your teen may be tempted to lie to you:

1)     Appreciate accomplishments

2)     Establish a clear family values

3)     Limit questions

4)     Be sensitive to your teen’s privacy

5)     Transition your parenting to the next level.

6)     Communicate reasonable expectations

7)     Love unconditionally

For more details on the above tips, review the quiz and check list on teens and lying. Check back for Part 3 and more tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Reduce Teen Lying;

                                  Posts- Pt1 7/23/08, Pt3 7-28-08;

                                  Quizzes: Teens and Lying

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

          brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Child Discipline: It’s Not About Lying Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I have three kids. The oldest is 14. For the past year he has increasingly been lying.  I’ve always emphasized the importance of telling the truth.  I feel hurt and disappointed when he lies.  What can I do differently?

________________________________________________________________

Parents often express frustration and hurt feelings when adolescents “suddenly” seem to start lying. But think about it, like it or not, lying for kids—especially adolescents— is “normal” bad behavior.

While some kids seem to be less truthful than others are, remember that kids lie for the same basic reasons adults do.  If adolescents lie more than adults, it is because they find themselves in circumstances more frequently where lies are “useful.” They see fewer options.

In general, there are 5 primary reasons why adults or kids tell lies. The goal for the lie might be to:

Ø      Inflate one’s worth/gain rewards

Ø      Protect self from consequences/stay out of trouble

Ø      Guard privacy

Ø      Reserve decision-making for self

Ø      Avoid disappointing or hurting others

As an alternative to taking your son’s lying “personally,” examine the above goals.  Determine instead what he is trying to accomplish by not telling the truth.  His goal may not always be the same.  If you find your son lies excessively, take a careful look at your parenting boundaries.

Check back for Part 2 for more thoughts on parent boundaries. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 Coming Soon

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                               brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I discussed the impact of physical and sexual contact outside of committed relationships—commonly referred to as infidelity. Emotional connections with someone else can also disrupt the intimacy in a primary relationship. Where are the lines between infidelity, emotional cheating, flirting, and friendship? Does everyone agree? Consider these thoughts:

1. Widespread agreement exists about what is considered sexual infidelity.
2. But not everyone agrees what behavior qualifies as emotional cheating or that it even exists.
3. The differences between flirting and friendship are also unclear to many.
4. In addition, not everyone shares a similar perception of or sensitivity to his or her partner’s behavior.

Enter the emotional factors of “jealousy” or “insecurity,” which certainly could color perception of flirting. (A complete discussion about that would take us in a different direction.)   Negative perceptions that a partner is flirting can come from other feelings as well. The behavior may feel simply obnoxious or offensive, while not driven by insecurity or jealousy.

So is he/she being friendly or flirting? Or do the actions possibly hint at an emotional affair? Respecting your partner’s feelings is key to a successful relationship. This is particularly true of flirting issues.

What do you think?

Check back for Part 3 for more discussion on relationship perceptions.

This my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 3/24/08, Pt3 3/31/08, Pt4 4/02/08, Pt5 4/05/08;

Quizzes- Emotional Cheating Quiz- Checklist

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.

Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

My friend and I disagree about what people call “emotional cheating.” I think she and an also married coworker are having an emotional affair. She believes there’s no such thing as an emotional affair. She says they just have a close friendship and are simply flirting. Do emotional affairs  exist ? Do they count as infidelity?________________________________________________________________ 

Your question goes beyond the dictionary definitions to relationship values. Traditionally, extramarital affairs included intimate physical contact. However, the marital/couple bond can be disrupted and trust compromised even by behavior that is not physically intimate in nature. Crossing the infidelity line may seem blurry without physical contact. Nevertheless, emotional infidelity can have consequences.

Intimate emotional connections can be created outside marriage/a committed relationship with opposite gender persons. Some of these relationships may be neither harmless flirting nor friendship. They can trigger a broken commitment. That said, how do you know when it is “just flirting” or “simple friendship”? 

In Part 2, I will talk more about that. Any comments? 

This my story and I’m sticking to it.  

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 3/25/08, Pt3 3/31/08, Pt4 4/02/08, Pt5 4/05/08;

Quizzes-  Emotional Cheating Quiz-Checklist 

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.