Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips » hurt feelings

Relationships and Memory Conflict1

drcoachlove — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:58:56 +0000

Relationships & Communication: Memory Wars Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I believe I have a normal memory. Just like my coworkers and friends, I do forget some things. It is not any problem except with my wife. She seems to remember just about everything from the trivial to the complicated and important. We are both intelligent people, but her attitude toward my memory is a sore spot between us. She gets upset and accuses me of having a bad memory— if I forget anything! We get into ridiculous debates about whether or not she actually told me something or I just forgot. Any tips to offer?

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Without getting into the science of it, in relationships most people appear to have selective memories by choice, habit, and effort, or based on natural abilities for retaining certain kinds of information. And then there are individuals who seem to have no memory lapses and consider themselves as normal.

We make jokes about elephants, steel traps, and sieves to describe our memories. We often consider memory only as an indication of whether someone was listening to us. We all know that memories are different BUT…

Frequently, to our partner, remembering events and details seems to spell the importance we place on our relationship with them.

Check back for Part 2 where the discussion will continue with tips on how to end the memory wars.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Relationships, Memory, Conflict;

Archives-7/03/08, 7/10/08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Parenting-Family:Arguments with College Age Kids Pt4

drcoachlove — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:08:34 +0000

Parents to a Higher Standard – Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1, 2, & 3, here are more coaching tips to help reconnect with

your college age kid after an argument:

5. Text her that you miss her.

6. Leave a voicemail letting her know you respect her and

are eager to reconnect with her when she’s ready.

7. Ask her what she needs from you to move past the situation.

8. Openly honor her view that the argument was not stupid (as you feel), but hurtful to her and healing time is needed.

9. Seek professional assistance from a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist (LMFT)

or qualified relationship coach if none of the above is

successful.

How we conduct our lives and the choices we make are important examples to our children throughout the lifecycle—-not just when they are small. I think it is only fair for parents to hold themselves to a higher standard of behavior—-DO YOU?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3/27/08, Pt2 3/30/08, Pt3 4/15/08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.

Parenting-Family:Arguments with College Age Kids PT2

drcoachlove — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:29:20 +0000

Parents to a Higher Standard – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. Do you agree?

My reason is simple. I believe parents’ job as role models for both children and adult children continues throughout the lifecycle. Handling conflict and differences appropriately is one critical life skill, which is difficult to learn. A healthy parental example of taking the initiative and overcoming obstacles is valuable.

However, when adult children are between 30 and 35, relationships generally shift. Most of the parents will be between 50 and 65. At that point, responsibility for working on the “relationship” can (and I believe should) be shared. This is higher-level collaborative example of negotiating differences.

By the time parents are between 70 and 80, depending on health, I hold adult children to a higher standard of behavior than their senior parents. What goes around comes around. Still, senior parents continue to serve a vital function as role models.

In Part 3, I will offer coaching tips to help you reconnect with college age kids and young adults. If you agree with the philosophy I outlined above, consider how any one or all of these ideas might be appropriate for your situation.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3/27/08, Pt3 4/15/08, Pt4 4/16/08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.

Marraige and Apology: 4 Types

drcoachlove — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 02:42:10 +0000

4 Types of Apology

by Dr. Coach Love

My husband and I totally disagree about apologies. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, he won’t apologize. He also believes that if you have to ask for an apology, it’s meaningless. I ask for and do not get apologies. I’m upset because it seems like he doesn’t care. I’m harboring many hurt feelings. What can we do?

_____________________________________________

In an intimate relationship, well meant “sorry’s” are essential. Being unapologetic or unforgiving damages a relationship. Bottom line—a sincere apology is not automatically an admission of wrongdoing. It can also be a sign of respect and sensitivity.

Consider these 4 Types of Apology:

1. You made a mistake and regret it.

Apologize to make amends.

Take corrective actions.

2. You don’t think what you did/said was wrong, but you can tell the other person is hurt or offended by it.

Others have a right to their feelings even when they misinterpret your intentions or if you feel they are overly sensitive.

It’s not just their problem; it’s yours, too.

Apologize to show respect and then clarify your intentions.

3. You empathize with someone over his/her “bad day” for which you had no responsibility.

You want to be supportive.

Say, “I’m sorry” to demonstrate your concern for the other’s well-being.

4. You have no idea why or how, but someone is upset with you and asked for an apology.

·        Never ignore a potential apology owed especially when requested.

·        Perhaps you are unaware of a miscommunication.

·        Apologize and take time to discover what went wrong.

Remember: Those who never apologize are like those who always do. Both give no thought to their actions. Love doesn’t mean NEVER having to say you’re sorry. Do you agree?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Quizzes-Marriage Checkup #1

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                      brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

               Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

Realtionships and Marriage:Communication-Insult or Affection? Pt2

drcoachlove — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 02:09:50 +0000

Insult or Affection? – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

In Part 1, I described “his and her” patterns of behavior that can lead to long-term miscommunications involving humor, insults, and affection.

Despite your humorous or affectionate intent, the result is you offend your wife with that nickname. She has a right to her feelings. And now that you know you do not achieve your goal of expressing humor or affection, why would you continue? You are now clearly on notice.

If you use that nickname again, you can no longer honestly hide behind the humor or affection angle — – it is neither funny nor feel-good to your wife.

Here are 4 Simple Tips for you to consider following now:

1. Apologize sincerely.

2. Forget the nickname.

3. Work together with your wife to reverse any of the negative communication patterns described above, which the two of you may have established.

4. Recognize how these patterns may be present in other types of communication between you.

Remember, that communication always has two parts that must line up in order to be successful. So no matter what you intend, what you have described here is a failure to communicate.

Fix it! Any more questions?

This is my story and I’m sticking to it. Goodbye—

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love