by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 4, I listed examples of parenting behavior, which I believe show a lack of self-control and discipline from the parents.  Maybe you agree, but feel that,  “ I’m not going to let him get by with treating me like this.” You feel justified in treating your adolescent as he treats you (payback/a taste of his own medicine). But wait a minute. Who’s influencing whom?  Is that like a parent biting the 4 year old who bit the 3 year old—effectively teaching bigger bites littler? Is that backwards or what??  Hello?

How can you teach him to talk nicely to his sister, when you treat him disrespectfully?  Again, who’s influencing whom? It’s simple.  You don’t teach him respect by role modeling disrespect to him.  Should you work to choose the power of positive parental example over the power of external parental control? 

Unless your adolescent is fearful of you or timid, by the time many kids turn16, external control (discipline from parents) becomes less effective as a parental tool for a variety of reasons. Besides, the goal is for adolescents to develop self-control, which is learned more quickly when parents model this quality. (Kids take self-control with them in life—not parents.) But if you have parented well, your offspring will take your positive influence with them. Is that what you want? 

In Part 6, I will offer alternative approaches to consider and avoid power struggles with your adolescent. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt6 3-04-08; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience   

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love  

Continuing… In Parts 1, 2, &3, I emphasized that your son was making productive and healthy choices on important life decisions. His “disobedience” is also “noncompliance” when viewed from another angle.  I offered adolescent development information, options to avoid “spitting contests,” and how to “pick battles,” while focusing on other family values/life skills like cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation. Emotional management for parents was stressed.  

Disciplining adolescents becomes even more complicated when younger children are in the home.  How do you shape the example your younger child observes when your adolescent disobeys?  Remember, only half of the example is from your son’s behavior.  The most important half of the example comes from what you say and do. Are you setting a good example?  Do you as parents: 

•     Argue
•     Raise your voice or yell
•     Remain engaged in a power struggle
•     Repeat yourself
•     Threaten or become controlling
•     Curse, name call,  or demean
•     Get up in his face or follow him around
•     Grab, push, hit, or worse

 If the above examples are observed by your children, it role models a lack of self-control and self-discipline on the part of the parents.   

§         Is this a good example for your younger children? 

§         Would this example of parental behavior influence an adolescent to behave better?

§         Are you willing to (or do you) behave in this way to get obedience?

§         Is that what it takes in your family?

§          What do you think?     

In Part 5,  I’ll continue on this topic with more thoughts.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

 Regards,

 Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

 Pt6 3-09-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,   

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.    

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.      

                           Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

Many emotions are involved in the parent-child relationship. In a discipline situation with adolescents, anger, frustration, and impatience can be seriously triggered.  By taking the high road of remaining in grownup emotional control mode, you can avoid incessant battles over relatively unimportant matters.  

The old phrases “spitting contest” and “pick your battles” carry important messages when applied to parenting adolescents. After all, your son is getting most of the important things “right” in his life—school, drug/alcohol abstinence, job/money value—right? Yet not all of his priorities, values, and choices will likely develop to be identical to yours. 

Work on getting past your anger, disappointment, and feeling disrespected when your adolescent does not do what you ask.  Ego and indignance have no place in parenting! 

As I write this, I keep in mind that some may take a religious objection to this perspective on obedience. Yet if a parent feels compelled to violate other values and morals (respect, kindness, love, patience, etc.) to enforce obedience, I am unsure if anything is gained.  Healthy family boundaries need attention and care. 

In Part 4, I will offer options on how to shape the examples parents give to younger siblings who witness difficult interactions with adolescents.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08 ; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.     

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.  

                    Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.      

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing….

As parents, we can be unproductively stuck on the “obedience thing.” When parents express strong feelings of disrespect or anger, optimum parenting is compromised.

To aid in softening those strong emotions, consider these alternate explanations for adolescent noncompliance:

•   1.    They do not agree with parental standards/timing of requests. (They are entitled to their values.)
• 2.     They’re not in the mood. (They are entitled to their feelings.)
• 3.    They are expressing and developing opinions independently of parents. (They have their own minds.)
• 4.     You may be letting go too slowly for your adolescent’s pace of development. (The process of successful parenting is to let go gradually and systematically of decisions and choices, you have previously made for your adolescent.)
• 5.    They disagree only to get on your nerves or for the sake of disagreement.  (They are baiting you into an argument. Frankly, I do not believe this is as common as parents might think.)

When your adolescent child is noncompliant with your wishes, try focusing on another value. For example, would it be wonderful for your son to learn about developing a cooperative relationship?  Or how about learning the skill of negotiation?  Are compromise and collaboration on your value list as adult skills? Teach those skills through your relationship with your adolescent. 

In my next blog, I will explore more of the emotions and values involved in disciplining adolescents.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08; Article- Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.                      

by Dr. Coach Love

Our 16-year-old son is becoming increasingly disobedient when we ask him to do trash, keep curfew, clean his room, or talk nicer to his sister.  Otherwise, he gets good grades, doesn’t drink/drug and works a part-time job.  How can we get him to obey us?  He’s setting a bad example for his younger sister.

________________________________________________________________

Here’s  good news and good news.  First, his behavior is “normal” behavior.  Second, it sounds like he’s making productive and healthy decisions with school, job and drug/alcohol abstinence.  Consider looking at his “disobedience” from another angle — that of being “noncompliant” with your wishes. 

In general, there are children who are noncompliant (or slow to compliance) from an early age, and those, like your son, who adopted noncompliance later in adolescence.  Consider yourself fortunate. Focus your parenting on his good behavior.  

Now think about all of these qualities/behaviors: compliance, cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation.  In your value system, which is the least useful trait for adulthood?  I choose compliance as the least useful.  Do you?

In any case, adolescents are noncompliant for many reasons, which are primarily developmental in nature. Adolescence is the appropriate time for children to push at parents to take over managing their own lives. This happens even if it seems too early to you.  

Next time I will offer various explanations for adolescent noncompliance.

For now, this is my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

Pt6 3-09-08;   Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,        

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.