by Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1-5, I suggested that your family is experiencing a conflict of rights and asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. I reflected that it is not a simple either/or question of whether your son has the right to pierce or you have a higher order right as parents/homeowners to enforce house rules. You have a clash challenging the health of your relationship. I offered 11 potential outcomes to review before approaching the relationship crossroads on this issue. 

At this point, take some time with your spouse to review these 5 decision possibilities and custom create other decisions. Consider the following coaching tips, which are aligned with each of the five decisions. Here are the first two. 

1. You both decide to let go of the issue.

• You both have decided that despite your concerns about or distaste for tongue piercing, this may not be a battleground worth entering. You feel that his insistence is a typical adolescent developmental pattern. Piercing is a right of passage for him. You know that every generation has had rights of passage to which parents vigorously objected. You recognize that this legitimate value difference could result in destructive family conflict or cutoff. 

• If this is the case for you, then it just does not make sense for you to attempt to impose your values on him. From this position, you can firmly discuss your objections and concerns. Express support for what you believe is healthy. Then let the issue go. 

However, if either one of you cannot let it go, consider this next tip. 

2. Only one of you can let the piercing issue go. 

• Since you both do not agree on choosing “tongue piercing” as a battle to fight and a reason to put your son out of your house, this family conflict takes on another dimension: your rights versus those of your husband’s. 

• Do not let this become a marriage divider.  Resolve the conflict between the two of you before you attempt to deal with the issue with your son.  If you and your spouse cannot reach a joint position or solid compromise, consider seeking the professional assistance of a qualified marriage and family therapist. 

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, here are questions 6 through 10 for parents to work through together before making a discipline decision.

6.  Do you feel you can handle your conscience if things go wrong for him?

•   Avoid any temptation to hide behind, “Well, it’s his choice.”

•  Remember, he’s the adolescent and you are the adult

•  It is also your choice on how far to go in exerting your opinions/values on him in this clash of wills and rights.

7.  In good conscience, can you surrender your parenting/relationship

     opportunities when he is 18?

•  Note that you may possibly lose future opportunities to influence him, particularly if the situation turns ugly.

8. Do you believe that when influence and persuasion (or begging and pleading) do not foster your adolescent’s compliance with your opinion/values that negative parental responses are either OK or justified ?

•   Be sure you know whether it is acceptable to you to apply negative consequences (punishments), emotional manipulation, family pressure, threats, blackmail, verbal abuse, or worse.

9.  What if the clash was about loud music?  Clothing style?  Hair?  Grades?  Friends? Drinking?

• The potential clash list with adolescents is endless.

• Think about whether you pick your battles — as they say.

• Remember, with adolescents you must first model respecting their rights in order to have a chance for your rights to be respected. Isn’t that only appropriate since YOU are the adults?

10. How have any previous clashes been resolved? 

• This history sets the stage for both your credibility and how strongly he will hold his ground.

What do you think? Check back for more discussion.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, we began the discussion about handling parenting when mother and father approach it from different or opposite angles. While both methods may produce compliance, sometimes parents give up on pursuing compliance and do the cleanup themselves. After all, it can be quicker and easier. But is it a good parent quality to settle for making things easier and quicker for parents or to consistently teach life skills and responsibility to children?  Probably both are appropriate at times. What are your values?

“Better” parenting approaches will usually take more time and energy. However, the end result will be creating the opportunity for teaching additional life lessons and relationship skills. Spending more time can lead to a more in-depth outcome.

One of the most universal methods to get kids to clean up after themselves is the dreaded ‘L’ word—LISTS. I know that making lists can be a royal pain for many adults. I can even hear some of you saying, “We shouldn’t have to do that. We are the parents and should just be able to tell them and they obey.” Does that really work for you? For many, the answer is no. If your preferred method doesn’t work— it doesn’t work. Try something different or retry a method with a different attitude and more persistence— like a list.

Most adults have well formulated opinions about lists and the value of making them. Are you a meticulous list maker or list avoider? Are your lists detailed? Do you make mental lists? Create shopping lists? To-do lists? Depending on your viewpoint, you may be more or less open to the idea of the regular practice of lists. Nevertheless, list making is a life skill. List can be a useful tool to improve compliance with kids cleaning up after themselves and for chores in general.

But— not all kids respond to the same approach from parents. And even the same approach from one parent will work— while it will be unsuccessful when used by the other parent. In every family with multiple children, it is common for individual kids to respond differently to parenting. There are also many ‘high maintenance’ kids who seem to require more highly focused—or intense— parenting.

In Part 3 of this series, I will talk about the special challenges for families with multiple and high maintenance kids.

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS:  http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights Reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

I am frustrated and impatient with my own parenting toward our 7-year-old son. He’s very fun and lovable most of the time, but when he gets whiny, overactive, or throws tantrums, I can’t get him to stop until I get loud, angry, and mean. Sometimes I have to swat him on the rear to get his attention and teach him to behave—until the next time. That’s the way my parents did me and the only way I know that works. I don’t believe it’s right, but what else is there to do that works?

________________________________________________________________

Occasional bad behavior is inevitable for most kids. In fact, to some extent, all people, not just kids, are both fun and lovable and difficult to be around at times. Most relationships are not EITHER/OR but rather BOTH/AND. They have both a down side and an upside.

Your intentions may sound good BUT…. What you seem to be accomplishing is a temporary interruption of his bad behavior triggered by your bad behavior. You did say, after all, that you do not think that what you are doing is right.  But you are allowing your son to lead you into bad behavior. True?

Ask yourself— Is your goal really achieved? You conclude that your yelling and swatting works to teach your son to behave? I cannot see how. Among the lessons you are probably teaching him are negative  Rules of Engagement. Consider these 6 lessons embedded in the discipline situations you describe. Are these what you intend?

1. Bigger hits littler.
2. Anger justifies violence.
3. He’s a bad person.
4. Escalation of a situation gets you what you want.
5. Power struggles are necessary.
6. Disagreements are win/lose.

The negative Rules of Engagement you are demonstrating to him now when he is 7, can turn on you in the future when he is bigger in size and/or less fearful of you. When he is a teenager and you disagree, how might he put what he learned from you to use? What do you think?

Check my blog for Part II and more discussion. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Parenting- http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1& 2, where I discussed the reasons people lie and ideas for parents to help reduce teen lying….

While upsetting and frustrating, many kids will some times lie about some things. Keep it in perspective. SO—

1.      Do not overreact.

2.      Respond calmly.

3.      Be sure to address any lie you discover.

4.      Determine the goal of the lie. 

5.      Have a conversation about the loss of trust that accompanies lies.

6.      Show your disappointment respectfully.

7.      Express your clear hopes that he can trust you enough

       to tell the truth in the future.

8.      Ask what you can do to encourage and accept truth from him.

9.      As far as consequences for lying from teens, the more natural the consequence, the better.

Remember, for most people, lies are not about lying.  Lies are about personal boundaries. Be sure that your parental boundaries are not setting your child up to lie. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Reduce Teen Lying-6 Tips (Coming Soon);

                                  Posts- Pt1 7/23/08; Pt2 7/26/08;

                                  Quizzes- Teens and Lying

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                  brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Child Discipline: It’s Not About Lying Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part1…Review Part 1 for the 5 basic reasons adults and children lie.  Consider setting a better stage for truth telling in your family with these 7 coaching tips, which may help reduce the situations in which your teen may be tempted to lie to you:

1)     Appreciate accomplishments

2)     Establish a clear family values

3)     Limit questions

4)     Be sensitive to your teen’s privacy

5)     Transition your parenting to the next level.

6)     Communicate reasonable expectations

7)     Love unconditionally

For more details on the above tips, review the quiz and check list on teens and lying. Check back for Part 3 and more tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Reduce Teen Lying;

                                  Posts- Pt1 7/23/08, Pt3 7-28-08;

                                  Quizzes: Teens and Lying

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

          brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Child Discipline: It’s Not About Lying Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I have three kids. The oldest is 14. For the past year he has increasingly been lying.  I’ve always emphasized the importance of telling the truth.  I feel hurt and disappointed when he lies.  What can I do differently?

________________________________________________________________

Parents often express frustration and hurt feelings when adolescents “suddenly” seem to start lying. But think about it, like it or not, lying for kids—especially adolescents— is “normal” bad behavior.

While some kids seem to be less truthful than others are, remember that kids lie for the same basic reasons adults do.  If adolescents lie more than adults, it is because they find themselves in circumstances more frequently where lies are “useful.” They see fewer options.

In general, there are 5 primary reasons why adults or kids tell lies. The goal for the lie might be to:

Ø      Inflate one’s worth/gain rewards

Ø      Protect self from consequences/stay out of trouble

Ø      Guard privacy

Ø      Reserve decision-making for self

Ø      Avoid disappointing or hurting others

As an alternative to taking your son’s lying “personally,” examine the above goals.  Determine instead what he is trying to accomplish by not telling the truth.  His goal may not always be the same.  If you find your son lies excessively, take a careful look at your parenting boundaries.

Check back for Part 2 for more thoughts on parent boundaries. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 Coming Soon

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                               brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 6

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…Consider these alternatives to a power struggle or controlling behavior over chores, curfew, and sibling relationships: 

A.     Compromise: Let his room be his closed-door room.  You have probably taught him how to clean. It’s not a priority for him.  In exchange, he agrees not to clutter other areas. (Periodic prompting may still be necessary.)

B.     Negotiate: List the extras you do for him. Examples: laundry, provide cell phone, pay car insurance, prepare his meals, allow his friends to visit, loan money, provide a car/transportation and other amenities. Forget automatic entitlement to these extras. The new approach can be  “When/If you _______________, I will_______________.” (Be sure not to present this as a pressure tactic. Let it be his choice.)

C.    Cooperate: List his own tasks and special projects/ favors he can do for you. Allow him to take the lead to work with you when he wants a favor  or a special privilege, e.g. later curfew. Your list might include wash your car, move heavy items, run errands, finish a school assignment early and the like. (Of course, not all requests/privileges would be granted.)

D.    Collaborate: Sit down for a conversation as a family to develop a  plan.  Attentively listen.  Show respect for his opinions.  Make every effort to include his ideas and those of other children. (Ownership in any collaboration comes from inclusion of individual ideas.) 

Realistically, these approaches are unlikely to work in the beginning. Children are trained by parents on what to expect. Old patterns die hard. Consistency is key.  Parents are often generous with their time and resources while passing up multiple opportunities to teach other valuable relationship skills .  Let your younger child witness the example of you remaining a calm and respectful adult. Do this even when your adolescent is not.

I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. It is only fair.  Resisting a reaction to your adolescent’s bad behavior may be a challenge—particularly for parents raised in a family environment, which was less respectful toward children. Your love for your adolescent should be unconditional.  The extras you do for him can have conditions.  This is a key to relationship development as an adult. Do you agree? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-27-08, Pt3 2-26-08, 2-27-08 ,

Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

   ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.           

                      Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.             

 by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 4, I listed examples of parenting behavior, which I believe show a lack of self-control and discipline from the parents.  Maybe you agree, but feel that,  “ I’m not going to let him get by with treating me like this.” You feel justified in treating your adolescent as he treats you (payback/a taste of his own medicine). But wait a minute. Who’s influencing whom?  Is that like a parent biting the 4 year old who bit the 3 year old—effectively teaching bigger bites littler? Is that backwards or what??  Hello?

How can you teach him to talk nicely to his sister, when you treat him disrespectfully?  Again, who’s influencing whom? It’s simple.  You don’t teach him respect by role modeling disrespect to him.  Should you work to choose the power of positive parental example over the power of external parental control? 

Unless your adolescent is fearful of you or timid, by the time many kids turn16, external control (discipline from parents) becomes less effective as a parental tool for a variety of reasons. Besides, the goal is for adolescents to develop self-control, which is learned more quickly when parents model this quality. (Kids take self-control with them in life—not parents.) But if you have parented well, your offspring will take your positive influence with them. Is that what you want? 

In Part 6, I will offer alternative approaches to consider and avoid power struggles with your adolescent. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt6 3-04-08; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience   

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

Many emotions are involved in the parent-child relationship. In a discipline situation with adolescents, anger, frustration, and impatience can be seriously triggered.  By taking the high road of remaining in grownup emotional control mode, you can avoid incessant battles over relatively unimportant matters.  

The old phrases “spitting contest” and “pick your battles” carry important messages when applied to parenting adolescents. After all, your son is getting most of the important things “right” in his life—school, drug/alcohol abstinence, job/money value—right? Yet not all of his priorities, values, and choices will likely develop to be identical to yours. 

Work on getting past your anger, disappointment, and feeling disrespected when your adolescent does not do what you ask.  Ego and indignance have no place in parenting! 

As I write this, I keep in mind that some may take a religious objection to this perspective on obedience. Yet if a parent feels compelled to violate other values and morals (respect, kindness, love, patience, etc.) to enforce obedience, I am unsure if anything is gained.  Healthy family boundaries need attention and care. 

In Part 4, I will offer options on how to shape the examples parents give to younger siblings who witness difficult interactions with adolescents.  

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08 ; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.     

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.  

                    Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.