by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1 & 2…ask yourself these important questions:

v     Is it possible to ignore the controlling behavior/comments and be OK?

v     Is the controlling person in an authority position over me?

Am I doing/saying anything to trigger this controlling behavior or escalate it?

If you do recognize how you add to the problem, use that level of

awareness to change yourself first and then watch for the impact

on the other person.

Do not change with the purpose in mind to try to MAKE the other person change.

That is called manipulation. The goal is to improve YOUR behavior.

You cannot change the behavior of the other. 

CAUTION: When you change, you take the risk that the controlling

person’s behavior may actually seem to get worse

(more controlling or obnoxious) in response to your change.

Resist changing back unless you are in physical danger or do not

want the positive changes in yourself.

Believe it or not, many “control freaks” really are sincere and caring people who

tend to be trapped as perfectionists. Attacking them is not a good plan and

will likely be ineffective. Going on the attack may compromise your values

and take you out of your normal character.

And guess what? THEN YOU HAVE LET THEM CONTROL YOU!!

In my next post, I will continue the discussion on coaching tips to deal

with controlling people.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Control Freaks-7 Types,

                                           Dealing with Control Freaks-9 Tips 

                                  Archives- 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/25/08;

                                  Reflections- Controlling a Control Freak;    

                                  Quizzes-Am I a Control Freak

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to

          DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                    brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal

          advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at

           www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

vIn my last post, I listed the 7 basic types of controlling people to help you decide

    if the people in your life are controlling and offered tips on how to identify if you

    might be controlling in your business or personal relationships.

    Now I will answer your second question:

         You can’t get controlling people to change.

         You can ignore the behavior or comments, shift your focus,

                       and avoid responding to the control.

When you recognize that you can only change yourself and behave accordingly, you are exercising the best choice for dealing with “control freaks.”  Often, however, it is not possible to ignore their behavior or shift your behavior enough to make a difference.

If the controlling person is your boss (or has other authority/power over you) and you cannot ignore the behavior or comments, taking direct action or confronting them may not be in your best interests. You may jeopardize your job or trigger significant personal/physical risk as a result.  A dramatic life change (or job switch) may be needed to remove the control freak from your life.

A WORD OF CAUTION: If the control freak has control or gains power over you due to verbal or physical abuse—either feared, threatened, or acted out on you—please seek professional mental health services and/or a legal remedy immediately. This may not simply be a controlling relationship—-it may be an abusive one.

Next post, I will offer more coaching tips to deal with controlling people.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Control Freaks-7 Types;

                                            Dealing with Control Freaks-9 Tips (Coming Soon); 

                                  Posts- Pt1 8/13/08, Pt3 8/22/08,/Pt4 8/25/08;

                                  Reflections- Controlling a Control Freak;    

                                  Quizzes-Am I a Control Freak? (Coming Soon)

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to

         DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

         brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v  Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice

         through this blog.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©  Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

We’ve been married a short while. Already we have discovered a problem.  I feel I’m always giving up on what I want and he’s getting his way.  I didn’t bring it up until recently during an argument when he called me controlling.  He said he was giving in to what I wanted.  How can two people feel controlled by each other at the same time?

________________________________________________________________

A mutual perception of feeling controlled remains a common phenomenon. Too often, it takes couples 20+ years to recognize this emotionally stubborn build up and seek professional support to correct the communication distortion. The bottom line is: never give up,        

never give in — give away.

Misperception or development of a control pattern frequently begins because  partners want to be nice, avoid an argument, or are convinced that they are right. Positive intentions or not, controlling relationships do not appear spontaneously overnight. The pattern evolves over time. That’s why early intervention can be quickly successful.

Complicated factors of upbringing and personality muddy the waters as    to how controlling relationships develop. You are wise to spot and correct this problem early in you marriage. 

The pattern tends to worsen quickly.

When there are differences of opinion, partners vary in willingness and comfort level over engaging in or avoiding conflict. Particular people are more effective arguers, while others tend   to be people pleasers.  Perhaps one or both grew up in households where loud voices and lively disagreements were the acceptable norm or by contrast, differences of opinion always became grossly unpleasant (or abusive).

In some families, members will do almost anything to keep the peace and quickly give up or give in to avoid conflict and restore peace. Meanwhile, the opposite pattern is to do almost anything to win or be declared right.  But either of these practices has little chance, if any, of leading to a healthy relationship. These patterns typically lead to a controlling relationship.   Both partners contribute to the pattern.

Do you recognize what you are doing? Check back for Part 2, where I continue the  discussion with tips on not giving in or giving up—but learning to give away.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Marriage: Being Controlling;

                                  Posts-Pt2 5-31-08, Pt3 6-03-08;

                                  Quizzes-Marriage Giving

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                           and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved    

                Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

 by Dr. Coach Love

I am in a relationship that can get very annoying sometimes. We will be talking about a touchy subject for a second time and he’ll correct me—telling me exactly what I said last time. 

“No, you said, ‘blah…blah…blah’ (which happen to be almost my exact words) and that means, ‘blah…blah…blah’,” he says. Then I’ll say, “Well, I meant, ‘duh…duh…duh’ (using different words this time)”. Next he’ll insist, “No, that’s not what you meant.  You can’t change your words now to get out of trouble with me. I know what you meant. Words speak for themselves.”  

He thinks he knows-it-all. He doesn’t, especially when it comes to understanding me. Sometimes he has even pulled out a dictionary to try to prove me wrong. Yet he is unusually accurate at remembering transcript-like details of conversation. He can recall exact words spoken (better than I do). So he thinks his interpretations of the conversations are always correct. They aren’t. I feel like he tries to attack me with my own words.  We get into a verbal war. How can I make myself understood while  he’s so great at remembering what I said, but not catching what I meant?________________________________________________________________ 

Similar to a photographic memory where an individual records an experience visually, your friend seems to have an audio graphic memory.  He records auditory experiences for later playback. Here are 6 points to review: 

• 1. This type of memory is useful to explore how communication was misunderstood by tracking how the listener attached unintended meaning to specific words.  
• 2. Exact words are not helpful as ammo to prove you know what someone else meant to say better than they do. 
• 3. Words do not speak for themselves.  In good communication, we learn to choose specific words to deliver our meaning as clearly as possible.  
• 4. Arguments about exact words used in conversation are nonproductive.  
• 5. Trying to tell others what they mean by what they say is foolish. 
• 6. Successful communication involves matching speaker intent with listener understanding. Often, a clarification process  can insure that communication  is effective.  

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass relationship destruction and distortion of communication.   Check out Part I when I will offer more tips. Until then…  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

     Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 3-19-08, Pt3 3-21-08

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.     

                            Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                       

Communication Mismatches Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing………. Consider these options to understand and handle your communication mismatches: 

1.  Accept responsibility for your communication delivery as being imperfect. Do not totally blame the listener: he took it wrong; he’s too sensitive; he’s crabby, etc. Look to improve your side of the communication.

2.  Apologize for the misunderstanding. For example, say, “I’m sorry. Let me start over and express myself more clearly.”

3.  Understand that not all mismatches can be corrected entirely. Emotions can block a “redo.”

4.  Let it go. The two of you are not on the same page with the project. Trust his common sense and respect his judgment.

5.  Increase your awareness of body language and other nonverbal clues. This will help to reduce future communication glitches. Read his resistance to your help as his right to do so. Individuals often want to be left on their own without questions, comments, or suggestions.

Best intentions aside, your conversation can feel intrusive and trigger an offensive reaction.

Even when you feel you have a right to get involved, (safety concerns, you have good idea to share, it’s also your house, or you just want to help) positive motives do not guarantee successful communication.

Often individuals prefer independence and resist forced collaboration. You interjected your thoughts to get involved in his “gutter project”. He did not request your help and evidently did not appreciate it. 

As you and your husband work to improve this type of communication trap, both can be mindful of these 3 relationship-coaching tips: 

1.  Inquiring can be viewed as a challenge.

2.  Suggestions can seem like criticisms.

3.  Persistence/follow-up can feel like nagging. 

For now, this is my story in him sticking to it.

 Regards, 

 Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-12-08    

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

       clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                             

             Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.                            

Communication Mismatches- Part 1

Last weekend my husband announced he was cleaning out the gutters.  I asked him which ladder he was using. He answered. I commented that it might be too slippery from the rain. He said no.  And then when I told him our son would be home soon and did he want to wait and get his help, he blew up. He accused me of criticizing him and treating him as if he was stupid, inept, and didn’t know when to come in out of the rain.

I was only trying to help. I always appreciate his interest and opinions when I’m working on a project. Often I have trouble getting him involved. What is happening here?________________________________________________________                                                                   There appears to be a communication mismatch between what you intended versus what he understood and felt. You wanted to collaborate on the project and be helpful.  He wanted to be left alone to do it himself. The message you sent was not the message he received.

Here is what I see may have happened: 

Ø      You INQUIRED about the ladder.     

 He felt you CHALLENGED his competence.

Ø     You OFFERED INFORMATION about the wet conditions.    

He felt CRITICIZED.

Ø      You PERSISTED in trying to be helpful.    

He felt you were NAGGING him about the whole gutter thing. 

Whenever you are in a conversation and the response you receive feels mismatched to your intent, follow-up to gain clarity. What can you do to detect and handle mismatches?  

Check for Part 2. I will suggest options to consider. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.

Reagrds,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-13-08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.      

                  Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.