Marriage and Control: Balancing Individual Rights- Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

Without going into details, although our parents have been married for over 30 years now, neither his parents nor mine have been the best of role models for a healthy intimate relationship. We have been married for five years and our relationship is beginning to look like that of our parents.  We love our parents, but…we don’t want to repeat their marriages. Yet, we seem to be struggling with each other for control.

In his family, his dad is the dominant one; in mine, it’s my mother who is very bossy. My husband and I agree that our parents’ marriages are based on control. It looks to us like their marriages only continue because one gives in to the control of the other.

We are getting tired of the repeated conflict between us. How can we change our relationship before we get locked into an unhealthy controlling pattern— sort of like our parents?

_________________________________________________________________

It is greatly helpful for you that you both can see what goes on between your sets of parents. Understanding the dynamics in your parents’ marriages is an excellent start to understanding your own. Chances are good that, in the early years, your parents’ marriages looked similar to yours with lots of conflict. Instead of learning to create a balance of individual rights and respect for differences, your parents may have adapted to a power struggle by one of them becoming submissive to avoid conflict. May be and could be…

A popular theme used at weddings has been “and the two shall become one.” ‘ONE’ what? Which ‘ONE’? Why only ‘ONE’? You do not lose your individuality and rights when you enter into marriage. I believe that this is a serious misstatement about the dynamic process of a healthy marriage.

More appropriately stated, the theme of a healthy marriage should be “and the two shall become ONE COUPLE of people”. The difference in this second statement reflects that two people still exist and are joined together to meet both common and individual goals in life. You do not lose your self in marriage. In fact, your sense of self and esteem ideally becomes stronger and better developed through your intimate connection. Is this what you would like to do in your marriage?

You do not always have to agree or share the same opinion after you get married. Your ideas do not have to match. Richness and variety in relationships grow from the newness each brings. Couples only need a ‘reasonable’ overlap in values and goals— joined with respect for differences. Conflict and differences are normal in healthy relationships. Differences must be addressed and aired out between partners.

In this ongoing series of blogs on marriage and control, I will discuss individual rights, how to balance them, how to deal with differences, and to handle conflict in a healthy manner. Check back for more discussion. You will be able to grow your marriage without destructive conflict.

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS:

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/iii-controlling-behavior-controlling-people/

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

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v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love   

I believe I have a normal memory. Just like my coworkers and friends, I do forget some things.  It is not any problem except with my wife. She seems to remember just about everything from the trivial to the complicated and important.  We are both intelligent people, but her attitude toward my memory is a sore spot between us.  She gets upset and accuses me of having a bad memory— if I forget anything! We get into ridiculous debates about whether or not she actually told me something or I just forgot. Any tips to offer?

________________________________________________________________

Without getting into the science of it, in relationships most people appear to have selective memories by choice, habit, and effort, or based on natural abilities for retaining certain kinds of information. And then there are individuals who seem to have no memory lapses and consider themselves as normal.

We make jokes about elephants, steel traps, and sieves to describe our memories. We often consider memory only as an indication of whether someone was listening to us. We all know that memories are different BUT…

Frequently, to our partner, remembering events and details seems to spell the importance we place on our relationship with them.

Check back for Part 2 where the discussion will continue with tips on how to end the memory wars.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Relationships, Memory, Conflict;

                                     Archives-7/03/08, 7/10/08

v      I invite your comments below.

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v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                                 and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 by Dr. Coach Love

I am in a relationship that can get very annoying sometimes. We will be talking about a touchy subject for a second time and he’ll correct me—telling me exactly what I said last time. 

“No, you said, ‘blah…blah…blah’ (which happen to be almost my exact words) and that means, ‘blah…blah…blah’,” he says. Then I’ll say, “Well, I meant, ‘duh…duh…duh’ (using different words this time)”. Next he’ll insist, “No, that’s not what you meant.  You can’t change your words now to get out of trouble with me. I know what you meant. Words speak for themselves.”  

He thinks he knows-it-all. He doesn’t, especially when it comes to understanding me. Sometimes he has even pulled out a dictionary to try to prove me wrong. Yet he is unusually accurate at remembering transcript-like details of conversation. He can recall exact words spoken (better than I do). So he thinks his interpretations of the conversations are always correct. They aren’t. I feel like he tries to attack me with my own words.  We get into a verbal war. How can I make myself understood while  he’s so great at remembering what I said, but not catching what I meant?________________________________________________________________ 

Similar to a photographic memory where an individual records an experience visually, your friend seems to have an audio graphic memory.  He records auditory experiences for later playback. Here are 6 points to review: 

• 1. This type of memory is useful to explore how communication was misunderstood by tracking how the listener attached unintended meaning to specific words.  
• 2. Exact words are not helpful as ammo to prove you know what someone else meant to say better than they do. 
• 3. Words do not speak for themselves.  In good communication, we learn to choose specific words to deliver our meaning as clearly as possible.  
• 4. Arguments about exact words used in conversation are nonproductive.  
• 5. Trying to tell others what they mean by what they say is foolish. 
• 6. Successful communication involves matching speaker intent with listener understanding. Often, a clarification process  can insure that communication  is effective.  

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass relationship destruction and distortion of communication.   Check out Part I when I will offer more tips. Until then…  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

     Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 3-19-08, Pt3 3-21-08

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.     

                            Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                       

Communication Weed #2: Dis-communication Part 3                        

 by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…In Part 2, I offered 2 tips to help stop dis-communication.

Here are coaching tips 3-7. 

3. Create a list of about 4-6 of your partner’s least desirable habits. Each partner shares his/her list. Use the list for the tasks below. 

4. Select 1 of your partner’s habits or shortcomings.

  §         Stop pestering her/him about it.

  §         For example,” Stop leaving that #$%@^! door open!            

             Close it!”

  §         Do it yourself without attitude. 

  §         Think calmly instead,” It’s not a deal breaker.”  

   5. Pick 2 long-term bothersome habits for which your partner

     lacks motivation to change.

  §         Agree to take a breath, and “let go” without attitude.

  §         Think lovingly instead, “That’s just my honey!”  

   6. Choose at least 1 of your own habits annoying to your partner,

              which you are willing to change to please him/her.

           §         Develop a conscious plan to reduce and eventually         

                   eliminate the habit(s).      

   §         Be supportive and do not nag over your partner’s planned

                 improvement.

   §         Agreed-upon cueing may be helpful to reinforce change.

   §         Language might be, “Dear, here’s an opportunity to…” 

    7. Make a deal to deliver a minimum of 1 deliberately             

     positive comment each day to your partner.

§         Do not take for granted the everyday things you

                    appreciate in your relationship.

§         Creating this good habit will help rid your relationship     

                      of dis-communication. 

  Intimate long-term relationships survive and thrive best when

couples identify dis-communication and work as partners to do the “weeding.”  Could this work for you? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,                                                                                                           

Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-28-08, Pt2 3-03-08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.        

by Dr. Coach Love  

So do you really need a permission slip from her?  Again, answer these two questions:

1.      Is it healthy for couples to have individual leisure activities?  

2.      Should time and obligations with your partner (and/or children) remain a priority over leisure time alone or with others?

If neither of you answers “yes” to both questions above, this is not about permission. It questions the strength of your commitment to your relationship over your individual needs. Conversely, it may signal her lack respect for your individual differences and rights. 

Often partners have different needs concerning individual leisure time. For example, one partner does not feel the need (or want to take the time) for individual activities, hobbies, or time with friends. The other seeks regular individual time—“nights out with the Boys/Girls,” twice per week softball games, Saturday golf, Pilates, scrapbooking parties, and so on. 

Neither choice is wrong by itself. Partners may not accept that they are different. One may pressure the other to change and be more like them in use of leisure time. Couples must respectfully negotiate differences.

The answer is not as simple as one partner begins to take individual time or the other gives up all individual activities. This “all or nothing” example generally is a solution that meets no one’s needs in the end.

Consider this as a bottom-line.  Couples need to establish or negotiate an agreement about individual leisure time. With an agreement in place, a couple remains strong. Permission slips will not have a place in their relationship. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  For now—— 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-22-08, Pt2 2-23-08  

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

 clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions                  

A Permission Slip from Her- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

Establishing individual plans BEFORE a discussion with your significant other actually violates your own values—putting your relationship needs (and family) as a priority above your own.

Think about it. With this change in mindset, routine joint planning with your significant other/ wife does not make you “controlled by her.” Talking to her is actually checking signals, coordinating, avoiding scheduling conflicts and showing courtesy toward/respect for your partner’s needs and opinions.

You are also expressing your needs. When you and she display mutual respect toward each other despite differences, your relationship grows.  Your children (if any) observe.

However, if either you or your partner does not agree with both of these value statements, check out my next blog.  This is also not a permission issue.

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  See you next time when I will offer more thoughts on why this not about permission.

  Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-22-08,  Pt3 2-24-08  

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                                 Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.   

by Dr. Coach Love        

My significant other and I have great relationship but… I feel like I need a permission slip from her before I make plans with friends or get away for a weekend fishing trip. When I set my plans before I tell her the details, she becomes upset with me. Although she says I do not need permission, it sure feels like it. Any thoughts?

_____________________________________________________________

You report a great relationship with her. I assume you want to keep it that way. Therefore, while you have the right to make individual decisions, you also have commitments. Commitments to significant others must always factor in when we value our relationships. What are your relationship values? For example, do you agree with both of these value statements? Does she agree with both? 

1.      It is healthy for couples to have individual leisure activities.           

2.      Time and obligations with your significant other (and/or children) should remain a priority over leisure time alone or with others.  

If you agree with both of these statements, you are not seeking permission when you talk to your significant other before making plans that do not include her. Instead, you are demonstrating that your partner is (and any kids are) top priority by dovetailing your individual plans secondary to couple/family time. 

Check out my next blog for more of my thoughts. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  See you next time—–

Regards,

     Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-23-08, Pt3 2-24-08

  v    I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.           

                      Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions                 

Crabby  Menby Dr. Coach Love

My husband is usually even-tempered and very good-natured.  Once a week or so, he catches me off guard and is very crabby. I ask him to help me with something, he agrees.  Then before long, he gets very unpleasantly crabby.  I don’t seem to see it coming.  When we finally get to the bottom of it, he apologizes. He says was very tired, but still wanted to help me.  We seem to continue in a circle with this.  How can we get out of it? Shouldn’t he just tell me instead of getting crabby?

________________________________________________________________ 

Since you have been around the block with this pattern a few times, you are no longer an unknowing participant.  He is not the only one who has responsibility for this interaction.  Why should you expect him to know what’s going on any more than you do? You’re not the crabby one— yet.

For instance, here’s something you might do. Since he is generally good-natured, learn to more sensitive when he is not.  If he starts to get crabby on you, consider the possibility that, like in the past, he is simply tired, but does not want to say no to you. Kindly and gently let him off the hook by saying, “Honey, you must be tired.  We can do this another time.”

He also has equal responsibility to develop an awareness of when he needs to pass on or delay an opportunity to help you.  He seems to get into trouble because of his good qualities (helpfulness) rather than bad ones.

In any repetitive relationship pattern, both partners participate.  If one changes participation, the pattern changes.  Bottom line is, if you want something to change, do not wait for the other person, change it yourself.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

  v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

            and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

           Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                                  

                                            Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.  

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing… 

In Part 1, I described “his and her” patterns of behavior that can lead to long-term miscommunications involving humor, insults, and affection. 

Despite your humorous or affectionate intent, the result is you offend your wife with that nickname. She has a right to her feelings.  And now that you know you do not achieve your goal of expressing humor or affection, why would you continue? You are now clearly on notice. 

If you use that nickname again, you can no longer honestly hide behind the humor or affection angle — – it is neither funny nor feel-good to your wife. 

Here are 4 Simple Tips for you to consider following now:  

1.  Apologize sincerely. 

2.  Forget the nickname. 

3.  Work together with your wife to reverse any of the negative communication patterns described above, which the two of you may have established. 

4.  Recognize how these patterns may be present in other types of communication between you. 

Remember, that communication always has two parts that must line up in order to be successful.  So no matter what you intend, what you have described here is a failure to communicate.  

Fix it! Any more questions? 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  Goodbye— 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-  Pt1 2-17-08

• I invite your comments below.

t E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

t      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

t      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

t      Check out relationship coaching at www.HireCoach.com.

                      ©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.             

Communication Mismatches Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing………. Consider these options to understand and handle your communication mismatches: 

1.  Accept responsibility for your communication delivery as being imperfect. Do not totally blame the listener: he took it wrong; he’s too sensitive; he’s crabby, etc. Look to improve your side of the communication.

2.  Apologize for the misunderstanding. For example, say, “I’m sorry. Let me start over and express myself more clearly.”

3.  Understand that not all mismatches can be corrected entirely. Emotions can block a “redo.”

4.  Let it go. The two of you are not on the same page with the project. Trust his common sense and respect his judgment.

5.  Increase your awareness of body language and other nonverbal clues. This will help to reduce future communication glitches. Read his resistance to your help as his right to do so. Individuals often want to be left on their own without questions, comments, or suggestions.

Best intentions aside, your conversation can feel intrusive and trigger an offensive reaction.

Even when you feel you have a right to get involved, (safety concerns, you have good idea to share, it’s also your house, or you just want to help) positive motives do not guarantee successful communication.

Often individuals prefer independence and resist forced collaboration. You interjected your thoughts to get involved in his “gutter project”. He did not request your help and evidently did not appreciate it. 

As you and your husband work to improve this type of communication trap, both can be mindful of these 3 relationship-coaching tips: 

1.  Inquiring can be viewed as a challenge.

2.  Suggestions can seem like criticisms.

3.  Persistence/follow-up can feel like nagging. 

For now, this is my story in him sticking to it.

 Regards, 

 Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-12-08    

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

       clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                             

             Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.