In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens.  However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

• And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers? 

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback.  Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

• Recognize they deserve more feedback.
• Appreciate that they care what you think.
• Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking.  Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

• “That shirt looks good on you.”
• “I like that color.”
• “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

• My opinion on this is enough.
• I can tell s/he likes it.
• Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

v I invite your comments below.

v Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part One I discussed how helpful it is for you both to understand the dynamics in your parents’ marriages. When you can identify the similarities between those two marriages and your own, you are on the path to changing the patterns between the two of you. There is also a good chance that, in the early years, your parents’ marriages had lots of conflict in the beginning like yours does.

It may be difficult for the both of you to realize what your rights are as individuals even though you are married. As individuals who are married, you both still have the right to:

1. Speak and be listened to by family and friends.

2. Decide whether to have sex or not.

3. Receive the emotional support from family and friends.

4. Choose your friends.

5. Have some me/alone time.

6. Be free from fear of ridicule, criticism, and abuse.

7. Have some privacy.

8. Speak your opinions even when they disagree with those of your spouse.

9. Respectfully express your feelings even when you feel down.

10. Spend some money as you choose.

These are only a few of the individual rights that each of you has and do not lose when you get married. Typically, these are also the issues about which couples disagree and, therefore, may become topics of control and argument. Check out blogs on control:

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/iii-controlling-behavior-controlling-people/

Here’s how to begin reversing patterns of control and conflict in your relationship.

1. Sit down with each other and do this exercise.

2. Review the 10 rights listed above and put your initial by those rights you believe you have and + if you also exercise those rights.

3. Do the same for your spouse.

4. Compare and contrast the two sets of results.

5. How well do they match?

6. Discuss the reasons for differences and similarities.

7. Make a definite plan based on your discoveries of how to improve and reduce conflict and control.

Consideration, however, is appropriate in understanding and exercising your individual rights as a married person. Assuming you did not get married to spend all of your time separately or to ignore your partner’s feelings and opinions, collaboration and coordination in expressing these rights is necessary. Communication is critical.

For example, with regard to #5-Have some me/alone time. If your need for “me” time conflicts with the amount of “together” time your spouse desires, you can see how collaboration and coordination is needed. Likewise, talking about the budget is critical for understanding the money issue in #10.

Of special importance in #2, the right not to have sex at any particular time needs to be balanced with any agreements made through your marital vows and relationship expectations regarding sexual fidelity. An agreement to have sex only with your partner, likely includes an agreement that there will be consensual romance and sex with each other in the marriage— at least to some degree.

When you exercise your right to choose your own friends, special considerations apply if that friend is of opposite gender. Shared secrets or intimate alone time may indicate simply an emotional friendship, but it may become emotional cheating. Check out the blogs and articles on emotional cheating:

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/v-emotional-cheatinginfidelity/

Again, it is necessary to communicate clearly about all of these rights when you complete this exercise. Be aware that, at times, one partner’s rights may come at the expense of the rights of the other. This can be extremely stressful and may require professional assistance to deal with this type of conflict.

Learning how to exercise your individual rights respect fully within your marriage will go a long way to eliminate or at least dim any control dynamic between the two of you.

What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Continuing from Parts 1 & 2… There are many ways to handle disagreements and differences of opinion in marriages.  It is important that the resolution of the issue reflects the rights and opinions of both partners.  Before you “give away” your vote on a decision, remember 3 things:

1.      Keep a positive power attitude. Bad attitudes defeat the purpose.

     You are making a choice. You are not being controlled, giving up,

     or giving in.

2.      Search for a “quid pro quo”; that is, a negotiated trade. Is there   

      another decision you really want made instead– that could be

      exchanged ?

3.      Explore whether an appropriate (apples for apples) compromise is available. For example: not pizza or burgers, but chicken; two weeks instead of one or three; spend $1000 rather than nothing or $2000).

I am not suggesting that couples keep exact scores on who “gets their way.” Ideally, marital decisions would suit both partners equally.  But that will not always be the case.  That is why it becomes important to create a mutually understood history of what really went down during decision-making.

A split reality (giving up versus agreement) triggers misperception and can create a controlling relationship or the appearance of one.  Increase your awareness and build a shared reality with your partner.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Marriage: Being Controlling

                                  Posts- Pt1 5-25-08, Pt2 5-31-08;

                                  Quizzes-Marriage Giving

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                               and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love  

In Part 1, I described how family values,  practices and rules about disagreement, arguing, and conflict impact differently on children. Unless consciously changed, we carry that impact with us into our adult relationships. Often, people with opposite childhood experiences regarding conflict and disagreement marry. Consider these 5 parent coaching tips to help present a healthy role model for conflict and disagreement to your children: 

   1. It may be helpful for children to observe  reasonably

       expressed disagreement between parents. 

       §         Intimate topics should be avoided, of course.

       §         Sit down together and decide what is acceptable for them to hear.

       §         Avoid frequent or agressive conflict and arguing.    

    2. As far as the “united front” notion—

        §         It can be positive for kids to see that parents do not always agree.

        §         What’s important is to compromise on the solution.

        §         Have kids witness compromise and settlement.

     3.  Children need to learn that disagreements are about differences.    

         §         People can disagree and still work on a common goal.

         §         Differences are not bad or wrong.      

      4. Learn to provide a role model of healthy conflict resolution

          for your family.

      5. Help is available to build conflict resolution skills.

         §   Locate self-help resources, books, and classes.

§         Seek professional family counseling or coaching.

  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

  Regards,

  Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt 3-15-08  

v      I invite your comments below. 

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.  

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.  

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. 

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.     

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                    

by Dr. Coach Love  

So do you really need a permission slip from her?  Again, answer these two questions:

1.      Is it healthy for couples to have individual leisure activities?  

2.      Should time and obligations with your partner (and/or children) remain a priority over leisure time alone or with others?

If neither of you answers “yes” to both questions above, this is not about permission. It questions the strength of your commitment to your relationship over your individual needs. Conversely, it may signal her lack respect for your individual differences and rights. 

Often partners have different needs concerning individual leisure time. For example, one partner does not feel the need (or want to take the time) for individual activities, hobbies, or time with friends. The other seeks regular individual time—“nights out with the Boys/Girls,” twice per week softball games, Saturday golf, Pilates, scrapbooking parties, and so on. 

Neither choice is wrong by itself. Partners may not accept that they are different. One may pressure the other to change and be more like them in use of leisure time. Couples must respectfully negotiate differences.

The answer is not as simple as one partner begins to take individual time or the other gives up all individual activities. This “all or nothing” example generally is a solution that meets no one’s needs in the end.

Consider this as a bottom-line.  Couples need to establish or negotiate an agreement about individual leisure time. With an agreement in place, a couple remains strong. Permission slips will not have a place in their relationship. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  For now—— 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-22-08, Pt2 2-23-08  

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

 clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions                  

A Permission Slip from Her- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

Establishing individual plans BEFORE a discussion with your significant other actually violates your own values—putting your relationship needs (and family) as a priority above your own.

Think about it. With this change in mindset, routine joint planning with your significant other/ wife does not make you “controlled by her.” Talking to her is actually checking signals, coordinating, avoiding scheduling conflicts and showing courtesy toward/respect for your partner’s needs and opinions.

You are also expressing your needs. When you and she display mutual respect toward each other despite differences, your relationship grows.  Your children (if any) observe.

However, if either you or your partner does not agree with both of these value statements, check out my next blog.  This is also not a permission issue.

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.  See you next time when I will offer more thoughts on why this not about permission.

  Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-22-08,  Pt3 2-24-08  

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                                 Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.