In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens.  However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

• And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers? 

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback.  Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

• Recognize they deserve more feedback.
• Appreciate that they care what you think.
• Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking.  Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

• “That shirt looks good on you.”
• “I like that color.”
• “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

• My opinion on this is enough.
• I can tell s/he likes it.
• Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

v I invite your comments below.

v Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

From experience, I have a belief that—

“When you BEAR it all, you BARE nothing at all.”

People who ‘BEAR’ the emotional weight of anger, frustration, love, happiness, loneliness, fear, anxiety—you get the idea— and do not ‘BARE’ their feelings with their partner are not sharing enough of themselves to establish an intimate relationship. Chances are that the other is carrying the responsibility for the emotional glue in the partnership. This contributes to an imbalance, distance and conflict in the relationship. Intimate relationships require the exchange of emotions.

Our emotional and logical make-up are at the core of who we are as individuals. Lasting intimacy is built on partners sharing of themselves with their logical and emotional sides. If too much of her ‘emotional stuff’ (or his ‘logical stuff’) is infused, shades of control may invade their coupleship— from either or both sides. When you share too much OR too little of yourself, emotional or logical, you sabotage stability and intimacy in the relationship.

You may not realize it, but you have already identified the help you need. Your relationship is struggling BOTH because she has not become more logically expressive AND because you have not become more emotionally expressive; that is, you have become more analytical because she is becoming more moody and simultaneously, she is more moody because you are becoming more analytical. 

You are reacting off each other. Partners have strong influence and trigger potential for the other’s development. Since you are logical, you know that BOTH of you must change some AND keep some of who you are to produce the most satisfying outcome. This is a BOTH/AND relationship dynamic.

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v     I invite your comments below.

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v     Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©      Copyright 2011 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Parts 1 and 2, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in early behavior patterns. I described what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning. Please check back for those discussions. But how does a controlling relationship develop? Whose fault is it?

Both parties contribute to the controlling dynamic. Simply stated, the more one withdraws in silence and finds power or protection in that stance, the more likely that behavior will trigger an aggressive or controlling response from the other. And the reverse is equally true. The more one is aggressive or controlling, the more likely it is the other will withdraw. Both partners have an unmistakable impact on each other, neither of which is particularly healthy for a quality partnership. One is not to blame more than the other. Both co-create the relationship pattern. At any point, either person has the option to work for change in the dynamic (possibly enlist professional help) or exit the relationship instead of continuing to participate in the pattern and be dissatisfied.

In long-term relationships and twenty-year marriages, this controlling/passive pattern strengthens its grip on the couple. Frequently, the controlling person has no true desire to be in charge and feels trapped in the position. Commonly, the ‘control freak’ craves simple conversation and information flow from the other. They are clueless that they contribute to the lack of it. The passive individual (in trying to avoid conflict) frequently is clueless that his inaction is increasing conflict and the controlling pattern between them.

It takes two to tango in a controlling relationship. That being said (and assuming there is no violence between them), there are numerous options to begin the shift in the relationship, but again— that job is not yours as the adult child.

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

By Dr. Coach Love

If you are just joining this discussion, please get caught up by reviewing Parts 1 and 2. 

Here is the discussion of #1 of 7 parent coaching guidelines for you to consider as a baseline for respectful parenting:

1)   ADOPT A REALISTIC MODEL OF PARENTING

• Ideal parenting seldom is possible—family life is complex: dual income, single parents, shared custody, step-parents, bi-nuclear families, blended families, limited income, and other family forms.

• Many parents hold themselves to impossible standards—-to please their own parents and meet their standards maybe???

• Perfect parents do not exist.

• Perfect children do not exist.

• Recognize your child may not adopt your values or goals.

• You can firmly guide, instruct, correct, and role model,  but not “make” or force your child do anything—unless you are prepared to remove all limits and engage in illegal acts of physical violence (intended as discipline) or abusive behavior such as intimidation, yelling, or emotional control.

• You can teach a value, but you do not control what your child learns or does.

• If your child behaves badly, it does not mean “you let” him/her. They made a choice and did not hear, understand, accept, or believe in your directions/values.

• Parents cannot take unlimited responsibility for all of their child’s behavior—good and bad. If parents do, it may discourage the child from owning his failures and successes and, therefore, not learn from them.

• You do your best until you learn how to parent better.

Do you have a realistic model for parenting? Ask yourself why or why not. Read on and check back for tips 2-7.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v   I invite your comments below.

v   E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v   Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v   Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v   Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©    Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

In Part I, I suggested the three primary ways to view the parents’ behavior are legally, morally, and/or as healthy discipline. In summary: 

1. I defer to legal professionals for legal interpretations of assault/abuse or violation of personal rights.

2. I acknowledge different moral positions regarding parental discipline, based on religious beliefs or personal values. BUT…Isn’t morality of parenting behavior questionable when parents violate their own personal values while disciplining? Do they treat others in that manner? Would they accept the treatment they give their kids from people with authority over them??

3.  As to whether the parental behavior described is on target for healthy,

     respectful, and effective for the long term, my simple answer is NO.  

• Emotionally out-of-control parents behaving disrespectfully toward children   often throw away the opportunity to gain respect, be heard, or have influence with their children—especially teens. 

The best way to prevent “a bad scene” in your family when your kids get older is to begin now when your children are younger to adopt a respectful parenting style. Later as an adolescent, should he/she choose behavior you find objectionable, you will be better prepared to parent. Your parenting style will be emotionally healthy and constructive and will have stronger influence and credibility with your child. 

Here is the list of 7 parent coaching guidelines for you to consider as a baseline for respectful parenting:

1)     Adopt a realistic model of parenting

2)     Forgive your child for all flaws, imperfections, poor choices, and misdeeds

3)     Treat your child as his/her own person

4)   Be a humble parent and if you have one, trust in your Higher Power

5)   Do not set your child up to please you

6)   Know your own limitations

7)   Love your child with all your heart

In my next blogs, I will discuss these tips and give examples and details for you

to consider. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

Our children are 6, 8, and 10 and easy to parent.  We know families with teens who are struggling.  For example, our neighbor and former babysitter (now 17) is a good kid — honor student, polite and works part-time.  His frustrated parents admitted recently they took away his cell phone, car, and rummaged through all his drawers.  They yelled and cursed, broke down his bedroom door, grounded him— even from sports.  He hardly speaks to them and looks miserable.  His dad is angry because he’s lying and sneaking out of the house. Both parents are worried and suspect he is sexually active or drinking.  We probably don’t know the whole story, but is it right for parents to behave like that? It seems like they are out of control.We almost dread when ours grow up.  Is there anything we can do to prevent such a bad scene in our family?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There are three primary perspectives from which to decide whether the parents’ behavior toward their son is “right”: legally, morally, and/or as healthy, effective discipline. 

Laws are in place to help protect children from physical abuse.  Additionally, parents do not have unlimited leeway to disrupt their child’s privacy or other rights in pursuit of discipline. Even children do have some rights.  Whether these parents had the legal right to intrude on their son’s privacy/restrict his freedoms in the way you describe, is a question for legal professionals. 

From a moral standpoint, however, parents often violate their own values when they discipline. Some lose control. The more angry and afraid parents become when they feel their child’s behavior is wrong or creating self-harm, the greater the chance they behave impulsively. They might act out, yell, curse, name call, impose unreasonable and unproductive restrictions, or produce a climate of emotional abuse. So how can violent or verbally abusive parental behavior similar to this occurring during attempted discipline be considered as morally sound actions?

This type of parental response generally triggers withdrawal or counter hostility.  The teen may feel violated, even when he/she agrees that the behavior is wrong. 

In terms of whether this parental behavior is right on target for healthy and effective discipline, the answer is NO. 

When parents angrily strip an adolescent of all privileges, intrude on privacy, disrespect personal belongings, and loudly voice moral mandates for behavior, communication disintegrates. 

Without communication, parents cannot discipline or influence in the direction they feel is best. As parents lose emotional control, they throw away their opportunity to be heard or influence behavior.  When parents manage their own feelings and actions, they gain influence and credibility with adolescents. 

In my next column, I will provide parent coaching tips to consider using with your children now.  These tips are designed to improve communication and strengthen your influence with your children before they reach adolescence.

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 3, the options of marital and individual therapy to assist in breaking down controlling patterns were reviewed. When the controlling person refuses to enter into marriage counseling, the other partner can enter individual therapy to work on the marriage problem from their end.

In response, their controlling partner, who remains outside of therapy, may begin to change with a sincere and demonstrable change in behavior or express a motivation to join in the therapy. This can be an excellent sign. 

Nevertheless, if the controlling behavior is pervasive and/or abusive, when the sole partner works in therapy to change their part of the control dynamic— it is not without a serious risk:

• An escalation or beginning of physical violence is a real possibility. If this occurs, be sure to seek professional help immediately—mental health, medical, and/or legal.

The other risks include these types of responses from the partner not in therapy:

1. A temporary pseudo change in behavior until “the heat dies down”

2. A “punishing” demeanor of avoidance

3. Sudden sulking or emotionally dependant behavior

4. Greater intensity in emotional or verbal battering

5. Throwing up physical or financial obstacles to continuing in therapy

6. Threats of divorce with increased pressure to return to old behavior

7. Increased efforts to isolate the other from sources of support

Meanwhile, the partner in therapy may outgrow the marriage and leave.

Controlling dynamics in partnerships generally take away the sense of self from the non-controlling partner. Building self-esteem through focusing on positive relationships and activities that have been abandoned or neglected can return the individual to a sense of self.

There is no ‘good’ or ‘right’ time to stand up and create a new boundary in a controlling relationship. The ‘best’ time is before you lose yourself and can gain the strength and support to choose a change in your life. The choice is not easy

—but it is yours to make.

Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

Review Parts 1-2 for the beginning of this discussion. Controlling relationships can change. However, often a controlling partner justifies or defends their behavior as being helpful, or declares their way as the right way, claims that they know better and are more competent or rational— change becomes more difficult. When the controlling partner is clueless about the rights of the other partner, the chances for healthy change improve significantly with the services of a licensed mental health professional.

Frequently, the controlling person will not enter into counseling or therapy because of the perception that it is the other person who needs help. In those situations, the person being controlled can receive help through individual therapy. The focus would likely be on taking a hard look at the behaviors which feed the controlling tendency of the other.

One important caution: it is not uncommon for some controlling people to reinforce their sense of power through threats and/or physical violence and verbal abuse. Sometimes threats and violence escalate— particularly if the controlling person feels threatened by the other seeking change through therapeutic intervention.

Building a support system of friends and family and knowing legal options to protect oneself from abuse are critical. The risks of change will be discussed further in Part 4.

What do you think? Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I talked about the individual rights we all have and do not lose in marriage or

an intimate partnership. Compromise, collaboration, cooperation, and negotiation are

important processes between spouses/partners when a conflict of rights occur. Control

is an unhealthy dynamic in all intimate partnerships.

Controlling relationships generally have the impact of:

1. Disrespecting, discounting, or degrading a partner in order

    to get one’s way.

2. Destroying a partnership and creating a parent/child relationship.

3. Triggering the loss of self for the “lower rank” partner

4. Fostering a climate of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse

5. Building distance in the relationship

6. Creating a “partnership of one”

Partners who yield to the control often:

1. Are fearful
2. Have low self-esteem
3. Practice a pattern of conflict avoidance
4. Focus habitually on pleasing others at their own expense
5. Lose self-confidence
6. Feel isolated or depressed

In relationships where the controlling partner has the self-awareness to acknowledge their control tendencies and expresses the willingness to change, the prospects for a healthy partnership are excellent. When both spouses agree on the problem definition—a controlling dynamic— it becomes less of a challenge to find a mutual solution to create change. With highly motivated partners, self-help materials are available as well as the opportunity to engage professional services from a marriage and family therapist or other mental health professionals.

Check back for the discussion about when the controlling partner is in denial of the impact of the behavior on the relationship.

What do you think? Review the table of contents below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior in this blog.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

I love my husband, but as a former corporate executive for many years with lots of authority over many people, he can be very controlling, so much so that I have nearly forgotten who I am. Every little thing has to be his way because he says it is the best way. He takes offense if I offer suggestions or a different way of doing something. It seems that I cannot even have my own opinion. We are financially comfortable and both contribute about the same. Recently, I started my own account and when I told him about it he blew up. He told me to take that money and pay off his bills. His behavior and words get very ugly and he often sulks in silence for weeks when he gets angry to punish me. He often behaves toward me like he is my boss — not my husband and partner. What can I do to regain myself?

Many corporations and military systems rely on an established hierarchy of people for their organizational processes— including decision-making. A common personal relationship problem occurs when individuals, who are in authority or part of a hierarchical system at work, believe that they “outrank” their spouses or intimate relationship partners and become controlling at home.

Rank has no place in a healthy and loving marriage or intimate partnership. When we enter marriage or another type of intimate partnership, we work together and compromise for the good of the relationship, but we also do not give up all of our individual rights. Here is a list of 8 basic individual rights we all have—even when our feelings, ideas, or needs differ from or conflict with those of our spouse or intimate partner.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO…

1. Hold our own opinion.
2. Express our opinion reasonably and be heard with respect.
3. Spend some money as we please.
4. Privacy.
5. Take some individual time/ alone time.
6. Have and express our feelings without criticism.
7. Be free of fear in our relationship.
8. Choose whether to have sex with our partner.

When we do not exercise our rights, we can lose who we are. Still, we can consciously  

decide not to exercise our rights; but feeling compelled to surrender or

having our rights taken away from us by our partner can be a sign of a controlling

relationship. Controlling relationships are typically based on consistently

executing the rights of one person at the expense of rights of the other. Controlling relationships generally have little or no compromise.

Which of the 8 basic individual rights listed above do you have and

choose to execute in your marriage? Understand, however, that exercising

our rights, at times, can violate or nullify the rights of our partners. In

healthy marriages, spouses acknowledge both their own and the rights of

their partner. In times of conflict of rights, partners work together to

build healthy solutions.

What do you think? In Parts 2 and 3, I will continue discussion. Review the link listed below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior and control freaks.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.