by Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1 & 2, I discussed the first two of several options for parenting an underage college drinker. Go back to review the discussion on contacting college personnel and respecting your limits. Now consider option 3.

3. Skip the Arguments

Skip the useless-frustrating-go-nowhere-arguments. There is no foreseeable gain from arguing the point of whether he is or is not an adult. His definition, your definition, and the legal may vary. Instead of trying to convince, simply acknowledge your similarities and differences on the point of adulthood and maturity. For example, you might say something like:

“Yes, we know you believe that you are an adult. You are mature in many ways like… We understand that. But at the same time, we agree with the law about being legally old enough to drink. We are worried about you.”

Hint: Remember: the argument that he is legally underage may be just a technicality to him. He may expand the debate into pointing out that he is adult enough to serve, to vote, etc.  

Likewise, trying to convince him to admit/agree that drinking is a bad/dangerous choice will probably take you in a circle. Either he does not agree and so he drinks or he does agree and is drinking anyway. Instead, choose words to show your concerns for his well-being.

Express your sincere hope to him that nothing bad happens to him because of drinking. It is usually pointless to impose a global, gloomy, and perilous prediction that his whole life will be ruined through underage drinking. He already knows that underage drinking could cause him problems. Duh! But he does not believe it will and sees little risk. You lose any credibility you may have with an absolutist claim and only invite more argument.

Check back for additional options to consider.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

(NOTE: The issue of family heredity and alcoholism is beyond the scope of this blog. Please contact a professional mental health addiction specialist if this is your concern.)

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 5/13/08, 5/18/08, 5/19/08, 5/23/08,

                                           11/02/08,11/06/08,11/20/08   

                             Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking,

                                      9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking

                             Quizzes- Teen Drinking Choices,

                                          Underage Drinking

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I indicated that although many of today’s college kids have had alcohol education before high school age, many still choose underage drinking, especially during college. Parents are often at a loss on how to parent on this difficult problem— especially when the underage drinker is away at school. A first option is to check with the college for resources. Return to Part 1 for the discussion.  Here’s another thought to consider.

2. Respect Your Limits

Respect your parenting limits regarding your responsibility both to and for your college student. As parents, we generally feel that we “shouldn’t allow” our children/adolescents to engage in potentially destructive behavior, such as underage drinking.

The scary reality is that even our young children are regularly in situations where they make choices without our approval or knowledge. We are left without control and only the possibility that our ‘influence’ will weigh in on their choices in our absence.

We must learn the limits of our parenting. Control and fear based parenting can be effective in the short term with young children—and often even seem necessary, but the longer term impact may not be so effective or positive. Parenting based on influence and respect for the rights of your child/adolescent, however, has a positive impact, which can last into adulthood and even for a lifetime.

(More info on parenting limits is located at the links at the end of this blog.)

The importance of recognizing the parenting limits that are right for you is particularly true when you have a college student living on campus. Be fair to yourself and understand that you are not “allowing” him to drink. You cannot choose for him whether he drinks. You can choose your response to his drinking. Learn how to be influential in his life.

Work hard to do what it takes to keep communication open with him.

Determine where your parenting limits need to be, that is, be neither under involved or overbearing in your adolescent’s life. Develop your limits and follow them.

Check back for more options related to participating in arguments and debates about underage drinking.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

(NOTE: The issue of family heredity and alcoholism is beyond the scope of this blog. Please contact a professional mental health addiction specialist if this is your concern.)

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 5/13/08, 5/18/08, 5/19/08, 5/23/08,

                                           11/02/08, 11/14/08, 11/20/08 

                             Articles- Parenting Without Limits (Coming Soon)  

                             Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking,

                                      9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking

                             Quizzes- Teen Drinking Choices,

                                          Underage Drinking

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… In Part 1, I introduced a 3 stage-parenting model for the prevention of underage drinking.  In Parts 2&3, I described education and prevention. Intervention is the third stage.

In an ideal world and under ideal circumstances, no one who shouldn’t drink would drink.  Unfortunately, this ideal is realistic. Chemical dependency/alcoholism is a genuine problem and despite the best efforts of parents, there are many under age drinkers. 

Parents must continue to invest time and steady work with education and prevention, but if their children still choose to drink, effective intervention strategies are necessary to hopefully steer teens back on course. However, at a minimum, parents can use intervention strategies to reduce the risk of death and long-term injury to their children who may persist in drinking inspite of parentally imposed, legal or natural consequences.

Here are 7 basic intervention tips to consider:

For details on these tips, review the list on this site:

7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- 9 Prevention Tips for Under Age Drinking,

                                           7 Intervention Tips for Under Age Drinking;

                                 Posts-Pt1 5-13-05, Pt2 5-18-08, Pt3 5-19-08;    

                                 Quizzes- Underage Drinking & Teen Drinking Choices

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                                and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… In Part 1, I stated that kids will make their own choices about drinking and that peer influence is a factor. I also believe that parents have a huge potential to influence (but not control) their choices.  There are approaches to take in steering your kids away from underage drinking.

I mentioned the 3-stage model of parenting regarding underage use of alcohol. The first stage is education, followed by prevention and intervention. Education starts very early and is ongoing.

Here are 5 tips to consider when educating your children about alcohol use:

1.  Utilize school programs about alcohol use.  They are great start. Have your children teach you what they learn from the programs.

2.  Do not rely on the school, however, to emphasize your family values. There is no substitute for family conversation.

3.  Take time to collect resources from your local alcohol education organizations.  They typically give away, loan, or rent movies, pamphlets and books. Attend the education workshops offered.

4.  Discuss with your children any relevant family history of

chemical dependency and your children’s inherited

risks.  Reveal personal stories as appropriate.

5.  Establish a practice of discussing news stories of alcohol related problems and tragedies. Be sensitive and sensible in what you choose to report.

Yes, underage drinking and supervision of teens are 2 of the most challenging aspects of parenting. Parents’ role modeling is a critical part of prevention.

Check back for Part 3 where I will discuss prevention tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- 7 Intervention Tips for Under Age Drinking,

                                            9 Prevention Tips for Underage Drinking;

                                  Posts-Pt1 5-13-05, Pt3-5-19-08, Pt4 5-23-08;    

                                 Quizzes- Underage Drinking & Teen Drinking Choices

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

                             clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.