Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips » children

Arguing in Front of Kids– Part 1

drcoachlove — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:51:59 +0000

I am a 36-year-old married mother of two children, ages 9 and 11. My husband and I disagree about arguing in front of them. I say it is okay as long as we don’t get out of control. He says, they should never see us disagree, and we should always present a “united front.” The problem is, we often disagree. Suggestions?

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Parental disagreement is a normal (and necessary) part of parenting. Should kids know parents have disagreements? YES. Should the children be witnesses to arguments? Also YES—in reasonable moderation.

Parental disagreement on this subject usually reflects a difference in childhood experiences. Very often, people from these opposite family types marry.

Many adults grew up in households with violent, abusive, or conflict driven environments. Others never heard a raised voice or witnessed disagreement between their parents. Both of these opposite end experiences typically lead to a lack of communication skills and the (often) lifelong belief that arguing is bad, abnormal, or unnecessary OR build a chronically conflict driven relationship without hope of peace. Significant relationship issues will pass down through generations as a result.

Both types of families pass up four worthwhile parenting opportunities to teach children how to build stronger communication skills in future relationships.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and learn what parenting opportunities were missed.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

PS–I invite your push back of experiences and comments. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com
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Children and Lying1

drcoachlove — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:27:38 +0000

Child Discipline: It’s Not About Lying Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I have three kids. The oldest is 14. For the past year he has increasingly been lying. I’ve always emphasized the importance of telling the truth. I feel hurt and disappointed when he lies. What can I do differently?

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Parents often express frustration and hurt feelings when adolescents “suddenly” seem to start lying. But think about it, like it or not, lying for kids—especially adolescents— is “normal” bad behavior.

While some kids seem to be less truthful than others are, remember that kids lie for the same basic reasons adults do. If adolescents lie more than adults, it is because they find themselves in circumstances more frequently where lies are “useful.” They see fewer options.

In general, there are 5 primary reasons why adults or kids tell lies. The goal for the lie might be to:

Ø Inflate one’s worth/gain rewards

Ø Protect self from consequences/stay out of trouble

Ø Guard privacy

Ø Reserve decision-making for self

Ø Avoid disappointing or hurting others

As an alternative to taking your son’s lying “personally,” examine the above goals. Determine instead what he is trying to accomplish by not telling the truth. His goal may not always be the same. If you find your son lies excessively, take a careful look at your parenting boundaries.

Check back for Part 2 for more thoughts on parent boundaries. What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

Parents and Teens:Is Obedience a Good Thing? Pt3

drcoachlove — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:48:05 +0000

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love



Continuing…

Many emotions are involved in the parent-child relationship. In a discipline situation with adolescents, anger, frustration, and impatience can be seriously triggered. By taking the high road of remaining in grownup emotional control mode, you can avoid incessant battles over relatively unimportant matters.

The old phrases “spitting contest” and “pick your battles” carry important messages when applied to parenting adolescents. After all, your son is getting most of the important things “right” in his life—school, drug/alcohol abstinence, job/money value—right? Yet not all of his priorities, values, and choices will likely develop to be identical to yours.

Work on getting past your anger, disappointment, and feeling disrespected when your adolescent does not do what you ask. Ego and indignance have no place in parenting!

As I write this, I keep in mind that some may take a religious objection to this perspective on obedience. Yet if a parent feels compelled to violate other values and morals (respect, kindness, love, patience, etc.) to enforce obedience, I am unsure if anything is gained. Healthy family boundaries need attention and care.

In Part 4, I will offer options on how to shape the examples parents give to younger siblings who witness difficult interactions with adolescents.

Regards,

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08 ; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.

                    Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.

Parents and Teens:Is Obedience a Good Thing? Pt2

drcoachlove — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 00:18:59 +0000

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love



Continuing….



As parents, we can be unproductively stuck on the “obedience thing.” When parents express strong feelings of disrespect or anger, optimum parenting is compromised.



To aid in softening those strong emotions, consider these alternate explanations for adolescent noncompliance:

  1.    They do not agree with parental standards/timing of requests. (They are entitled to their values.)

2.     They’re not in the mood. (They are entitled to their feelings.)

3.    They are expressing and developing opinions independently of parents. (They have their own minds.)

4.     You may be letting go too slowly for your adolescent’s pace of development. (The process of successful parenting is to let go gradually and systematically of decisions and choices, you have previously made for your adolescent.)

5.    They disagree only to get on your nerves or for the sake of disagreement. (They are baiting you into an argument. Frankly, I do not believe this is as common as parents might think.)



When your adolescent child is noncompliant with your wishes, try focusing on another value. For example, would it be wonderful for your son to learn about developing a cooperative relationship? Or how about learning the skill of negotiation? Are compromise and collaboration on your value list as adult skills? Teach those skills through your relationship with your adolescent.



In my next blog, I will explore more of the emotions and values involved in disciplining adolescents.



That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.



Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08, Pt6 3-09-08; Article- Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

        clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.



©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.

                              Contact DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net for permissions.

Parents and Teens:Is Obedience a Good Thing? Pt1

drcoachlove — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 01:01:43 +0000

Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part I

by Dr. Coach Love

Our 16-year-old son is becoming increasingly disobedient when we ask him to do trash, keep curfew, clean his room, or talk nicer to his sister. Otherwise, he gets good grades, doesn’t drink/drug and works a part-time job. How can we get him to obey us? He’s setting a bad example for his younger sister.

________________________________________________________________

Here’s good news and good news. First, his behavior is “normal” behavior. Second, it sounds like he’s making productive and healthy decisions with school, job and drug/alcohol abstinence. Consider looking at his “disobedience” from another angle — that of being “noncompliant” with your wishes.

In general, there are children who are noncompliant (or slow to compliance) from an early age, and those, like your son, who adopted noncompliance later in adolescence. Consider yourself fortunate. Focus your parenting on his good behavior.

Now think about all of these qualities/behaviors: compliance, cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation. In your value system, which is the least useful trait for adulthood? I choose compliance as the least useful. Do you?

In any case, adolescents are noncompliant for many reasons, which are primarily developmental in nature. Adolescence is the appropriate time for children to push at parents to take over managing their own lives. This happens even if it seems too early to you.

Next time I will offer various explanations for adolescent noncompliance.

For now, this is my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

Pt6 3-09-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net for permissions.