By Dr Coach Love 

I love my wife— but she is bossy. How can I get along better with her?_________________________________________________________________

 Bossy means different things to different people. Depending on what ‘type’ of bossy you see your wife as being, there are different ways to improve your reaction to her. I identify six basic types of behavior that may come across as bossy— especially in intimate partnerships. 

The six behaviors commonly perceived as bossy (controlling/ butinsky) are:

______1. Always trying to be helpful.

______2. Insisting they have the best answer/way to do something.

______3. Pushing you to consider all options.

______4. Interrupting you and being outspoken by nature.

______5. Needing to prove they are smarter than you.

______6. Feeling driven to be in control and right. 

Review the list and mark:

•  (0) by the characteristics that do not describe your wife

•  (+) next to the descriptions that apply sometimes

• (++) for the items that often fit how you see your wife. 

Evaluate your responses and identify which characteristics are more descriptive of your wife. See if there is a pattern. There are two main clusters of characteristics and, of course, a mixture of the two. 

Cluster A (1, 3, 4) 

IF you perceive that your wife tends to be—

• overly  helpful

• a brainstormer

• simply talkative 

—she may be less bossy than she appears to be. 

Persons with this cluster of traits often do not realize how they are coming across to others. They have the best of intentions and do not feel like they should be quiet about it. They feel obligated to help and share what they know. Similarly, your wife may be more focused on what she can do, rather than on any negative reflection on your capability. This reflects more on her beliefs about her skills than your deficits. 

Cluster B (2, 5, 6) 

If types #2, #5, and #6, seem more descriptive of your wife, these characteristics may seem more reflective of her higher opinion of herself and lower reflection on you. She may deny that she is bossy and only that she is helpful. 

Cluster AB/BA 

This reflects a mix of characteristics where either A is more dominant or B is— but both are descriptive to some extent. 

All clusters signal the need for better boundaries. If your wife seems to be Cluster A predominantly, politely acknowledging her intent to be helpful, and ‘thank you’ but you do not need more suggestions, or letting her know in advance that you are not seeking feedback— may help you set better boundaries with her. Be clear about your expectations. 

Setting boundaries and not getting stuck with Cluster B individuals can be more challenging. You can begin with the suggestions for Cluster A  and then become more assertive if you are not initially successful. Statements like, “I guess we see it differently”, “we have different opinions”, “my way will work for me”, “there’s always more than one way to do something”, and the like are firmer efforts to set boundaries. 

Remember: even though it seems to you she acts like she’s smarter or you are dumb, she may not intend to communicate those sentiments. Resist the pull to become angry and behave like an insulted person often does: do not withdraw or begin/join in an argument. Instead work on clarifying her intent and expressing how she comes across to you using a discussion (not argumentative) format. 

Ignoring your wife, using silence, rudeness or control to control a bossy person generally escalates the situation. Sometimes excusing yourself and walking away with one-way closure may be your only option. And as always, seek professional help if you are unable to resolve or tolerate your situation.

What do you think?  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 3, the options of marital and individual therapy to assist in breaking down controlling patterns were reviewed. When the controlling person refuses to enter into marriage counseling, the other partner can enter individual therapy to work on the marriage problem from their end.

In response, their controlling partner, who remains outside of therapy, may begin to change with a sincere and demonstrable change in behavior or express a motivation to join in the therapy. This can be an excellent sign. 

Nevertheless, if the controlling behavior is pervasive and/or abusive, when the sole partner works in therapy to change their part of the control dynamic— it is not without a serious risk:

• An escalation or beginning of physical violence is a real possibility. If this occurs, be sure to seek professional help immediately—mental health, medical, and/or legal.

The other risks include these types of responses from the partner not in therapy:

1. A temporary pseudo change in behavior until “the heat dies down”

2. A “punishing” demeanor of avoidance

3. Sudden sulking or emotionally dependant behavior

4. Greater intensity in emotional or verbal battering

5. Throwing up physical or financial obstacles to continuing in therapy

6. Threats of divorce with increased pressure to return to old behavior

7. Increased efforts to isolate the other from sources of support

Meanwhile, the partner in therapy may outgrow the marriage and leave.

Controlling dynamics in partnerships generally take away the sense of self from the non-controlling partner. Building self-esteem through focusing on positive relationships and activities that have been abandoned or neglected can return the individual to a sense of self.

There is no ‘good’ or ‘right’ time to stand up and create a new boundary in a controlling relationship. The ‘best’ time is before you lose yourself and can gain the strength and support to choose a change in your life. The choice is not easy

—but it is yours to make.

Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

Review Parts 1-2 for the beginning of this discussion. Controlling relationships can change. However, often a controlling partner justifies or defends their behavior as being helpful, or declares their way as the right way, claims that they know better and are more competent or rational— change becomes more difficult. When the controlling partner is clueless about the rights of the other partner, the chances for healthy change improve significantly with the services of a licensed mental health professional.

Frequently, the controlling person will not enter into counseling or therapy because of the perception that it is the other person who needs help. In those situations, the person being controlled can receive help through individual therapy. The focus would likely be on taking a hard look at the behaviors which feed the controlling tendency of the other.

One important caution: it is not uncommon for some controlling people to reinforce their sense of power through threats and/or physical violence and verbal abuse. Sometimes threats and violence escalate— particularly if the controlling person feels threatened by the other seeking change through therapeutic intervention.

Building a support system of friends and family and knowing legal options to protect oneself from abuse are critical. The risks of change will be discussed further in Part 4.

What do you think? Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…. There are two basic types of anger MISmanagement, occasional big blowing-up, and routine spouting-off.

Blowing-up

Some believe that a big blow-up now and then is no big deal. After all, they claim, they don’t let most things bother them. So—- when something eventually gets to them and they let go of anger in a big-time way, they justify their behavior.

What is the problem with an occasional big blow-up? Two things.

1. Big blow-ups become disruptive to relationships and are unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Big blow-ups trigger others to tip toe around wondering when the next explosion will occur. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

Spouting-off

Others believe that addressing every anger issue is important to get things out in the open. After all, they claim, they have a right to express their true feelings and opinions. So—-when little things occur to anger them and they let loose to routinely spout-off, they justify their behavior.

What is the problem with spouting-off? Two things.

1. Spouting-off becomes negative criticism in relationships and is unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Routine spouting-off triggers others to turn a deaf ear because they are tired of hearing it. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

Can you see the parallel pattern? Occasional blowing-up and routine spouting-off have virtually the same negative impact on relationships. Neither method of expressing anger is healthy or positive. Either choice can lead to controlling and bossy patterns in relationships.

I say that blowing-up and spouting-off are on the same “anger nickel.” It doesn’t really matter whether you choose heads or tails. A nickel is a nickel. In this case, heads you lose and tails you lose. Your relationship loses.

Check back for more on emotional management.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08,10/02//08,10/08/08, 10/14/08

                                    Lists- Coming Soon

                                    Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1, 2, & 3… Previously, I described the 7 basic types of controlling people, offered tips on how to identify if you might be controlling, and explained that you cannot make other people change.

If your best option is to continue interaction with this controlling person (or having no contact is practically impossible), weigh the risk ignoring or avoiding him/her—versus confronting him/her. You can often minimize controlling people’s impact on you when you deal assertively with them.

Focus on avoiding an argument. If you let yourself become “stuck” in the mindset of “I can’t let them win,” you will lose yourself. Do not restate your opinion. Continue to be reasonably polite (unless you are normally not polite). And remember that looking for an apology is a waste of time.  

Recognize your limits of patience and tolerance and do not stretch them. Maintain your personal boundaries. Be prepared to walk away as you excuse yourself.

Measure your success by the reduction in their negative impact on you—not whether the other person changes. You can learn to have a control freak free life—but you have work at it.

To find more coaching tips go to LISTS: Dealing with Control Freaks-9 Tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives- 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/22/08, 8/25/08

                                    Lists-Control Freaks-7 Types

                                    Lists- Dealing with Control Freaks-9 Tips (Coming Soon)

                                    Reflections- Controlling a Control Freak   

                                   Quizzes-Am I a Control Freak? (Coming Soon)

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to          DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

               brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing … in Part 1, I described how a controlling relationship or the appearance of control can develop in a marriage.  It takes both partners to create this dynamic.  Miscommunication can be the primary cause.

Consider these relationship coaching tips to help you avoid this communication weed before it overruns the garden of your relationship.

ü      Understand, compare, and contrast your family backgrounds dealing with interpersonal differences.

ü      Do not let your disagreement be misread. Do not misread your partner’s disagreement with you.

ü      At the settlement of each issue, compare beliefs. Be clear as to whether there was agreement, compromise, or one disagreed and “gave away’ his/her vote for settlement purposes. Keep the record straight.

ü      Give away your vote in a collaborative spirit. Establish a shared memory of decision-making. Avoid a controlling dynamic in your relationship to preserve a partnership of equals.

Before you “give away” your vote on a decision, there are things to consider to preserve your rights and life satisfaction. Review the quiz and list noted below. 

Check back for Part 3.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Marriage: Being Controlling;

                                  Posts- Pt1 5-25-08, Pt3 6-03-08;

                                  Quizzes- Marriage Giving

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                              and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.      

               Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.