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Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 6
by Dr. Coach Love
In Parts 1-5, I suggested that your family is experiencing a conflict of rights and asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. I reflected that it is not a simple either/or question of whether your son has the right to pierce or you have a higher order right as parents/homeowners to enforce house rules. You have a clash challenging the health of your relationship. I offered 11 potential outcomes to review before approaching the relationship crossroads on this issue.
At this point, take some time with your spouse to review these 5 decision possibilities and custom create other decisions. Consider the following coaching tips, which are aligned with each of the five decisions. Here are the first two.
1. You both decide to let go of the issue.
You both have decided that despite your concerns about or distaste for tongue piercing, this may not be a battleground worth entering. You feel that his insistence is a typical adolescent developmental pattern. Piercing is a right of passage for him. You know that every generation has had rights of passage to which parents vigorously objected. You recognize that this legitimate value difference could result in destructive family conflict or cutoff.
If this is the case for you, then it just does not make sense for you to attempt to impose your values on him. From this position, you can firmly discuss your objections and concerns. Express support for what you believe is healthy. Then let the issue go.
However, if either one of you cannot let it go, consider this next tip.
2. Only one of you can let the piercing issue go.
Since you both do not agree on choosing “tongue piercing” as a battle to fight and a reason to put your son out of your house, this family conflict takes on another dimension: your rights versus those of your husband’s.
Do not let this become a marriage divider. Resolve the conflict between the two of you before you attempt to deal with the issue with your son. If you and your spouse cannot reach a joint position or solid compromise, consider seeking the professional assistance of a qualified marriage and family therapist.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 5
by Dr. Coach Love
This is a continuation of a multipart discussion of the challenges of parenting teenagers. For maximum benefit of this discussion, please go review Parts 1-4.
As parents, you do not have to like, agree with, or support your son’s choices. However, reflect on the stubborn example you are setting for your adolescent, who is at the age appropriate developmental stage for asserting independence and posing resistance to your directives. While appropriate to have house rules, do not confuse issues. Because a rule represents your opinion/value, it does not automatically make those rules fair to enforce with your adolescent. Like you, he has rights as well as opinions and values.
Consider this analogy. You are driving toward an intersection. You have a green light—the right-of-way. You notice a vehicle approaching from your right. The vehicle appears to be headed through the red light at that same intersection. Would you continue through and risk a collision just because you had the ‘right’? Likely not.
Exercising your ‘right’ as a homeowner/parent to insure certain conditions in your home may not always produce the results you desire. For instance, you may not choose adults as friends and invite them into your home because they make an undesirable appearance— long hair, body piercing, tattoos, etc. But will you/should you throw your teenager out of the house because of an appearance issue, which is undesirable to you? You already know and love your teen. Doesn’t that override any appearance issue?
You and your son are headed toward the same intersection. Both think you have the green light or perceive that the other is going through a yellow/red light. The difference is that you are the adult and expected to make a better decision about avoiding the crash. (I typically hold parents to a higher level of responsibility to prevent such “collisions”). Consider the widest panorama of consequences to your son, your family relationships, and yourself as you decide whether to press your right to enforce a house rule against piercing.
Finally, it is not actually a question of whether he has the right to get pierced or whether you have a higher order right as a parent/homeowner to enforce house rules of your choosing. This issue is not that simple. You have a clash. The health of your relationship is at stake. Be sure to look in all directions before approaching the relationship intersection on this issue.
In Part 6, I will offer additional relationship coaching tips for you to consider – whether you decide to let the issue go or pursue enforcement.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 4
by Dr. Coach Love
In Part I, I suggested that, as in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights. I asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. After you have worked through all questions, think about these potential outcomes.
Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible if you persist in only allowing him to remain in your home if he does not do the piercing. Thinking ahead further, what do you imagine you would feel and do under the following selected outcomes? What is an acceptable result for you?
1. He says, “OK / You’re right / I agree.” (Or yes, you can tell me what to do with my body while I am here. I won’t pierce (or other issue) until I move out.)
2. He believes your threats and says, “I don’t like it, but I’ll comply because I don’t want to move out.”
3. You scare him with your threats and he meekly backs down. Things seem the same.
4. You break his will and he quietly complies. Your relationship comes distant.
5. You have a huge fight. He stays and doesn’t pierce, but begins to keep secrets from you and does not share his life.
6. He pierces and stays. No further word is spoken by anyone about his moving.
7. He moves out, pierces, and refuses all contact with you.
8. He pierces and you put him out. He can’t make it on his own and asks to return.
9. He moves out and pierces. He makes less than successful progress with his life and does not fulfill his dreams, but remains independent.
10. He pierces. You tell him to leave. He resists/stalls in moving out/won’t leave. (Do you get law-enforcement involved? Become forceful? Back down?).
11. He pierces. You put him out. He’s too immature to handle it, and gets into trouble (or worse).
12. Other outcome:________________________________________________.
What do you think about this range of potential outcomes?
Can you spot or predict the likely outcomes for your situation?
In the face of potentially negative outcomes, is it worth the risk to force this particular issue?
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 3
by Dr. Coach Love
Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, here are questions 6 through 10 for parents to work through together before making a discipline decision.
6. Do you feel you can handle your conscience if things go wrong for him?
Avoid any temptation to hide behind, “Well, it’s his choice.”
Remember, he’s the adolescent and you are the adult
It is also your choice on how far to go in exerting your opinions/values on him in this clash of wills and rights.
7. In good conscience, can you surrender your parenting/relationship
opportunities when he is 18?
Note that you may possibly lose future opportunities to influence him, particularly if the situation turns ugly.
8. Do you believe that when influence and persuasion (or begging and pleading) do not foster your adolescent’s compliance with your opinion/values that negative parental responses are either OK or justified ?
Be sure you know whether it is acceptable to you to apply negative consequences (punishments), emotional manipulation, family pressure, threats, blackmail, verbal abuse, or worse.
9. What if the clash was about loud music? Clothing style? Hair? Grades? Friends? Drinking?
The potential clash list with adolescents is endless.
Think about whether you pick your battles — as they say.
Remember, with adolescents you must first model respecting their rights in order to have a chance for your rights to be respected. Isn’t that only appropriate since YOU are the adults?
10. How have any previous clashes been resolved?
This history sets the stage for both your credibility and how strongly he will hold his ground.
What do you think? Check back for more discussion.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline-Piercing and Other Challenges Part 1
by Dr. Coach Love
Our son has announced that when he turns 18 next month and it is legal, he’s going to get his tongue pierced despite our well-voiced objections. I told him I was totally against it and explained all the dangers and health reasons. My husband let him know that tongue piercing is against house rules and threatened to throw him out if he gets pierced. Our son is a good kid, works, does well enough in school, and helps us out at home. I really hate the idea of a pierced tongue, but I think my husband is going overboard with threatening to put out our son claiming he “has a right” to enforce house rules. Who is right here?
As in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights. Your son at 18 has the legal right (depending on state law) to make certain decisions including piercing his whatever. As parents and homeowners, you and your husband have rights to determine whom over the legal age is permitted to live there and under what conditions. And you may not be legally required (depending on the laws in your area and any divorce decrees) to continue to house or support your 18-year-old son. Consequently, this discussion may stalemate on legal issues. (Be sure to check legal resources as needed.)
What may be legally correct is of limited use to settle this conflict because it would appear that both your husband and your son may be right. But these two rights make it wrong to continue down this path: stubborn, disrespectful son versus stubborn, disrespectful father. Dialogue and compromise, not stubbornness or threats, can resolve the conflict and create a healthy relationship.
Work to balance the ideas of morals/values, social responsibility, personal choice, and individual rights. Simply standing emotionally and immovably behind “it’s my right to get pierced/make house rules”– fails to address a more logical and long-term view of potential relationship and life consequences.
Before you, as responsible parents, continue on this path following your son’s lead of stubbornness and disrespect, there are important relationship and value questions to answer. Piercing is only one of many teen discipline challenges that are very difficult to resolve. In Part 2, I will offer 10 questions for families, which will help decide the best course of action. These questions can be applied to piercing and other topics to help preserve family relationships and health.
What do you think? Check back for more discussion.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
