________________________________________________________________________

Parental disagreement is a normal (and necessary) part of parenting.  Should kids know parents have disagreements? YES. Should the children be witnesses to arguments? Also YES—in reasonable moderation.

Parental disagreement on this subject usually reflects a difference in childhood experiences. Very often, people from these opposite family types marry.

Many adults grew up in households with violent, abusive, or conflict driven environments.  Others never heard a raised voice or witnessed disagreement between their parents.  Both of these opposite end experiences typically lead to a lack of communication skills and the (often) lifelong belief that arguing is bad, abnormal, or unnecessary OR build a chronically conflict driven relationship without hope of peace.  Significant relationship issues will pass down through generations as a result.

Both types of families pass up four worthwhile parenting opportunities to teach children how to build stronger communication skills in future relationships.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and learn what parenting opportunities were missed.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

PS–I invite your push back of experiences and comments. Tell me what’s on your mind.

•  Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com
• Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,  and information provided will be directed to the general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…

In considering the miscommunication situation described, some readers may say, “it’s only a matter of semantics.”  Well, of course! We communicate using semantics! Semantics are the meanings that we attach to words.  If we do not have the same semantics as our listener (meanings for words we say and hear) then we cannot communicate. Webster is not the authority here.  We are each our own authority on what we mean and understand in our communication with others.

Our words become a foreign language when our meaning is mismatched to our listener’s understanding. We miscommunicate AS A PAIR OF COMMUNICATORS when what one intends, is not what the other understands, despite any accurate recall of words used. Arguing about semantics does not improve communication, but is a sidetrack to an issue of who is right and wrong.  Listening and understanding checks clarify communication.

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass destruction and distortion of communication. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards, 

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Word Wars Tips; Posts- Pt1 6-7-08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.    

              Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Part 1…Handling differences with communication in a relationship can be a challenge. Words have no meaning when they travel through the air.  Despite Webster’s best efforts, words are loaded with meaning by the speaker when spoken and again by the listener when heard. Communication fails when intent and interpretation do not match.

A variation of the communication weed described in Part 1 is the speaker who uses the same words repeatedly—despite the listener missing the drift of the intended meaning. The speaker insists that he/she was clear and that the failure to communicate was all the listener‘s fault. It wasn’t. 

Consider these thoughts: 

è    Repeating the same words to restate what was misunderstood the first time is senseless.

è    Even if your words seem perfectly clear (to you and maybe even 10 others in the room), repetition of those words usually will not do a thing to help this particular listener get your message.

è    Clarification requires selection of different words.

è    Your first choices did not convey your meaning to your listener.

è    Get over it.

è     Move on to new language.

è    Stop being the “word police.” 

Here are 5 basic coaching tips to help you improve communication: 

1)     The speaker gets to say what she said and intended. 

2)     The listener gets to say what he heard and understood.

3)     Arguments often begin when one says, “You said/You meant.” Say instead, “I thought I heard…” or “I misunderstood. I thought you meant…” or “What I am trying to express is…”

4)     Intent and understanding often do not match. Collaborate to establish clear expression to correct the problem.

5)     An audio graphic memory can be useful; but not to tell the speaker what she/he intended.  Use it to locate and correct communication disconnects; for example, how one particular word may carry different meanings for each person. 

Check out Part 3 for 5 additional tips to yank this communication weed out of your relationship.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,  

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3-18-08, Pt3 3-21-08

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.

                                 Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                      

Communication Weed #3: About Being Right-Part 3

 by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing with——9 Communication Weed Pullers 

• 5. Support your position if necessary with facts. But do not be a know-it all.

• 6. Remember that your partner is no more stubborn in his/her refusal to admit s/he is wrong—-than you are obstinate in your quest to be right.

• 7. Do not make being right and wrong an important goal of your communication.

• 8. When you feel or know you are right right, let it be enough.  Agreement from others is unnecessary.  Validation is optional.

• 9. Understand that in decision-making, reaching the outcome has more to do with compromise and negotiating. Righteous postures can block resolution of an issue.

 In communication, both insistence on being right and the counterpart of failure to admit being wrong will literally kill communication over time. Work consistently to weed out the mindset that all conversations must have right and wrong positions.  Focus instead on understanding differences. The other person is entitled to feeling and thinking differently from you. 

If there is a right position in communication, it is to stop insisting that the other is wrong. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Does this work for you? 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3-06-08, Pt2 3-07-08; Reflections- On Being Right  in Convesation, Need to be Right 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                 

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… When conversation is the communication of facts, for example about sports/world statistics or historical information, there can be “right” (for the moment) answers.  However, many conversations are based on emotions as well as personal interpretation and application of facts — which then become opinions. Or maybe you prefer to call them well-informed opinions. 

Often communication centers on personal values.  Nevertheless, opinions and values are not subject to being labeled right or wrong—merely same or different, agreeable or disagreeable, and respected or not. When you are in a discussion with your spouse, seek to understand and not to be “right”.  Establish respect for opposing viewpoints. Pushing your opinion as being “right” makes the other party “wrong.” This creates overt resistance or stonewalling. 

Here are 4 of 9 coaching tips to consider for eradicating this communication weed:   9 Communication Weed Pullers 

• 1. Learn that most conversation is based on opinion and feeling, even when “facts” are involved.

• 2. Develop the ability to let go of a topic and not be stuck going in circles.

• 3. Agree to disagree.

• 4. Soften your presentation to show respect for differences.

Be sure to check back in Part 3 for tips 5-9. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 3-06-08, Pt3 3-08-08 : Reflections-Need to Be Right, One Being Right In Conversations

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. 

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                 Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                     

Communication Weed #3: Being Right-Part 1

 by Dr. Coach Love

I don’t understand why certain people can’t admit someone else is right.  When my spouse and I discuss something and I’m right, she won’t acknowledge it.  I patiently explain and re-explain with facts.  She is stubborn and refuses to give me credit, admit she’s wrong, or even discuss it. How can I work this out with my wife?________________________________________________________________ 

You appear frustrated that she does not admit you are right.  Before I address that or suggest how to work it out, let me ask you, “Why do you need to be right?” 

Relationships are not about being right (or wrong for that matter). 

From your side, you believe she should know or believe you are right (because you are).Therefore, she should admit it.  Sounds simple.  Not! 

Imagine 5 possibilities from her viewpoint: 

è    She may disagree with you and not want to argue.

è    2. What is a discussion to you, may feel like an argument to her.

è    3. She could be offended by what she interprets as a superior, disrespectful, or know-it-all attitude coming from you.

è    4. Perhaps she is simply feeling stubborn— just like you.

è    5. When you make a conversation about right and wrong, who wants to be at the wrong end? 

Any of these can account for her not openly accepting your position as right or wanting to engage in conversation with you about it.  

Check out Part 2.  I will begin a list of 9 Communication Weed Killers. 

This is my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards, 

Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINLS: Posts-Pt2 3-07-08,Pt3 3-08-08; Reflections-Need to Be Right, On Being Right In Conversations

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                    Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.