In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens.  However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

• And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers? 

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback.  Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

• Recognize they deserve more feedback.
• Appreciate that they care what you think.
• Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking.  Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

• “That shirt looks good on you.”
• “I like that color.”
• “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

• My opinion on this is enough.
• I can tell s/he likes it.
• Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

v I invite your comments below.

v Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

by Dr. Coach Love

My wife and I struggle when we disagree because she gets confrontational. When we are fighting, our love life falls apart. We don’t have sex. It seems like she holds out when she’s mad at me. I can’t stand it. I’m lower key. I try to be patient so her arguing stops; but I also lose my patience sometimes and yell. After all I can’t hold it in forever. No matter what I do, it seems to get worse. When we are not arguing, we get along great. We just don’t know how to fight fair and end it. Any ideas?

_________________________________________________________________

Many couples do not have a matched style of confrontation and have few skills for settling differences. People who are viewed as highly confrontational, ironically, are often partnered with those who admit to avoiding confrontation. Loss of a satisfying sexual relationship and basic intimacy are typical outcomes when couples cannot solve conflict. The so-called “makeup sex” which is hyped as great can only be great when issues are truly resolved. 

You suggest that being lower key and more patient than your wife puts you in a superior position and that she is the problem. Don’t kid yourself. 

    Patience over extended

      Becomes conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance destroys healthy sexual functioning and intimacy. From your wife’s point of view, your being too patient or ignoring confrontation is likely interpreted as you don’t:

1. Listen

2. Understand

3. Care  

4. Pay attention 

The confrontation level is likely to rise. In short, you are contributing to the amount of confrontation in your relationship at a level equal to your wife. Why pay back with what you don’t want from your wife? Don’t you know howyou would like to have her approach and talk to you? Chances are you do. 

Since you feel your wife approaches you in a confrontational way, the pattern was probably and gradually conditioned by years of interacting with your “low key” way. She may not think she’s being confrontational—only expressing her frustration from feeling ignored by you. She’s trying to get your attention. Being low key often sends a don’t-care-not-listening-don’t-want-to-discuss-it message. You should strive to respond somewhere between confrontational and ignoring her. 

Be open about your choice to change, but not preachy. Don’t expect an instant shift from her. This pattern between you has likely built up for years. Remember: if you do what you usually do-you’ll get what you usually get. The possibility of change in your marriage is created through a change in you. Start today to handle conflict successfully and a satisfying love life will return. 

What do you think? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

My fiancée and I are very different when it comes to talking. She wants to talk about everything, especially when we have different opinions. I don’t think that it is necessary to discuss everything, especially when we disagree. And when we discuss sexual issues….She tends to get passionate and then it turns into an argument. I hate to argue. We need to get this worked out somehow. Any suggestions? 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nearly all couples (if not all) hold different opinions or feelings on something. The only question is whether they choose to verbally express their differences or opposition or act out on it in a more subtle or passive manner. Open sharing, understanding, and successful resolution of differences makes relationships both strong and intimate. And good for you both that you at least attempt to talk about SEX!

Family history and how your parents handled disagreement commonly sets the stage for you in your adult relationships with regard to talking. You may have a conflict resolution skills deficit— if either you never saw your parents fight or they fought ferociously. The best model parents can provide for their children is to let them observe reasonable disagreements that end up being successfully resolved. Parents can also teach excellent conflict resolution skills when they help siblings and/or friends settle their own struggles. 

Five major reasons basically cover why individuals withhold expressing opposition or disagreement. 

1. Avoid/hate conflict/arguments

2. Fear of hurting the other’s feelings

3. Want to please the other by giving them their way

4. Subject matter is touchy, sensitive, or uncomfortable

5. The matter is unimportant

One of these five reasons is almost always a healthy reason to sidestep expressing disagreement or a difference in the relationship. Do you know which one that is? 

I will hold off on disclosing my pick until we look at each of the four reasons and its impact on the relationship in the next few blogs. 

What do you think? Check back for discussion on the language couples use when they are not in agreement. Have you ever felt like you were arguing when the other person believed you were merely having a conversation? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Anger Issue or Messy Problem? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

I went off on my fiancé for the third time this month for the same stupid thing— he leaves a trail of his “stuff” around the apartment. He says I have anger issues. I say he’s got a messy problem. I usually just pick up and don’t say anything for a long time— thinking he will get the hint. But he doesn’t say thank you or even seem to appreciate I pick up all his dishes, socks, trash, newspapers, etc. Eventually, I get fed up. I think I put up with a lot and he should just clean up after himself before I blowup. What can be done?

_________________________________________________________________

Anger issue or messy problem— it probably is neither one. Poor communication is what‘s behind this conflict. The two of you are communicating badly about an important-to-solve difference in your personal habits.

You have learned that no matter how much you pick up and keep your mouth shut, he will leave more lying around. Those are his personal habits. But you still pick up after him. Why? How does cleaning up after him solve the problem? Is it his leaving stuff out that angers you? When you decide to spend your time cleaning up after him? Both? Or do you get mad only because nothing changes? Okay, I can hear you thinking, “But I just can’t stand stuff cluttering the apartment. So I have to clean it up!””

Your fiancé points the finger at you for your anger outbursts, while ignoring the impact his personal habits have on your comfort level. Does he see your frustration when you clean up after him or just your anger when you stop and blowup?

In either case, if this is a joint residence, his right to leave clutter is equal to your right not to have clutter. This issue is not about whether clutter is right or wrong. To clutter or not to clutter, is not the question and getting angry is not the solution.

The real question is learning how to negotiate this Routine Daily Living issue —or RDL as I call it. The real solution is to navigate the numerous RDLs in your intimate relationship. First the clutter vs. tidy, then ….. something else will (or has) come up demonstrating your RDL differences. When you learn how to work through this one about clutter vs. tidy, you will have a model or template to deal with other problem RDLs.

What do you think? Check back for options on how to successfully navigate RDLs.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

Quizzes-Housecleaning Wars</a>

-

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love   

I believe I have a normal memory. Just like my coworkers and friends, I do forget some things.  It is not any problem except with my wife. She seems to remember just about everything from the trivial to the complicated and important.  We are both intelligent people, but her attitude toward my memory is a sore spot between us.  She gets upset and accuses me of having a bad memory— if I forget anything! We get into ridiculous debates about whether or not she actually told me something or I just forgot. Any tips to offer?

________________________________________________________________

Without getting into the science of it, in relationships most people appear to have selective memories by choice, habit, and effort, or based on natural abilities for retaining certain kinds of information. And then there are individuals who seem to have no memory lapses and consider themselves as normal.

We make jokes about elephants, steel traps, and sieves to describe our memories. We often consider memory only as an indication of whether someone was listening to us. We all know that memories are different BUT…

Frequently, to our partner, remembering events and details seems to spell the importance we place on our relationship with them.

Check back for Part 2 where the discussion will continue with tips on how to end the memory wars.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Relationships, Memory, Conflict;

                                     Archives-7/03/08, 7/10/08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                                 and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing…

In Parts 1&2, I described my philosophy of holding parents to a higher standard of behavior than their children. I think it is only fair. 

However, I also explained that responsibility shifts through the life cycle with the duty for settling conflict becoming roughly equal when “kids” are between 30 and 35. 

My belief is that parents should be role models to their adult children throughout the life cycle. As a further guideline, when parents are between 70 and 80 (earlier or later depending on any health issues) adult children need to bear the brunt of responsibility for repairing and maintaining relationships.

If you agree with this philosophy, here are the first 5 of 10 coaching tips to help you reconnect. Consider how any one or all of these might be appropriate for your situation with your 18-year-old daughter.

1)     Reach out to her more than once to repair the rift, but be mindful of stepping over her boundaries.

2)     Speak with her personally and ask her to talk with you to get past the argument.

3)     Purchase or create a greeting card that carries an important message (or make it humorous) and mail it to her.

4)     E-mail her with a lunch invitation.

Repeat your apology and do not expect or require one in return.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 3/27/08, Pt 3/30/08, Pt4 4/16/08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

My significant other and I seem to repeat the same arguments.  They always seem to be about what I do for him that he doesn’t do back for me.  For example, I call him once or twice a day (or text him) to let them know that I thinking about him.  I’ve asked him to do that for me.  He doesn’t.  He says he doesn’t think about it. 

Another example is when I come home from work and have a bad day. I want to talk about it.  He is very good at listening to me and I feel better.  When I can tell he has a bad day, I want him to share with me.  I know that will help him feel better and I want to know what’s going on with him. I feel closer to him when he tells me about problems at work.  But he says he doesn’t need to talk about it. 

How can I get through to him to treat me like I treat him?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I guess you learned the Golden Rule as a child and are still following it with him.  Bad idea.  In relationships that autopilot rule does not work. Communication does.

It is simple.  Just because you appreciate being treated in a certain way does not mean he feels likewise.  And just because you feel better after sharing, does not mean he feels likewise.  And I will say it one more time, just because you like sending texts and receiving them, does not mean he feels likewise.

Consider these possibilities from another angle: 

• SURE, the texts you send can have meaning to him,
• STILL… They are possibly more significant to you than him;
• THEREFORE…He doesn’t think to send them back to you.
• AND…  He may enjoy listening to you vent.
• OR… Simply be willing to listen when you are venting about a bad day,
• BECUASE…It helps you;
• BUT…Listening to you vent may not cause him to feel closer to you.
• REMEMBER… He may feel closer to you through other ways.
• ALSO… For some people, maybe him, when work is done, it is done. 
• MAYBE… Talking about a problem does not provide relief for him.
• DO NOT FORGET…You and he are different people–
• THANKS FOR THAT! 

Check back for Part 2, when I will continue the discussion and offer relationship coaching tips to change this conflict pattern.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Housecleaning: 7 Ways to Divide Family Labor;

Posts-Pt2-4-19-08

v       I invite your comments below.

v       E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v       Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                         and general interest.

v       Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v       Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©         Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions. 

 by Dr. Coach Love

I am in a relationship that can get very annoying sometimes. We will be talking about a touchy subject for a second time and he’ll correct me—telling me exactly what I said last time. 

“No, you said, ‘blah…blah…blah’ (which happen to be almost my exact words) and that means, ‘blah…blah…blah’,” he says. Then I’ll say, “Well, I meant, ‘duh…duh…duh’ (using different words this time)”. Next he’ll insist, “No, that’s not what you meant.  You can’t change your words now to get out of trouble with me. I know what you meant. Words speak for themselves.”  

He thinks he knows-it-all. He doesn’t, especially when it comes to understanding me. Sometimes he has even pulled out a dictionary to try to prove me wrong. Yet he is unusually accurate at remembering transcript-like details of conversation. He can recall exact words spoken (better than I do). So he thinks his interpretations of the conversations are always correct. They aren’t. I feel like he tries to attack me with my own words.  We get into a verbal war. How can I make myself understood while  he’s so great at remembering what I said, but not catching what I meant?________________________________________________________________ 

Similar to a photographic memory where an individual records an experience visually, your friend seems to have an audio graphic memory.  He records auditory experiences for later playback. Here are 6 points to review: 

• 1. This type of memory is useful to explore how communication was misunderstood by tracking how the listener attached unintended meaning to specific words.  
• 2. Exact words are not helpful as ammo to prove you know what someone else meant to say better than they do. 
• 3. Words do not speak for themselves.  In good communication, we learn to choose specific words to deliver our meaning as clearly as possible.  
• 4. Arguments about exact words used in conversation are nonproductive.  
• 5. Trying to tell others what they mean by what they say is foolish. 
• 6. Successful communication involves matching speaker intent with listener understanding. Often, a clarification process  can insure that communication  is effective.  

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass relationship destruction and distortion of communication.   Check out Part I when I will offer more tips. Until then…  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

     Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 3-19-08, Pt3 3-21-08

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.     

                            Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                       

by Dr. Coach Love  

In Part 1, I described how family values,  practices and rules about disagreement, arguing, and conflict impact differently on children. Unless consciously changed, we carry that impact with us into our adult relationships. Often, people with opposite childhood experiences regarding conflict and disagreement marry. Consider these 5 parent coaching tips to help present a healthy role model for conflict and disagreement to your children: 

   1. It may be helpful for children to observe  reasonably

       expressed disagreement between parents. 

       §         Intimate topics should be avoided, of course.

       §         Sit down together and decide what is acceptable for them to hear.

       §         Avoid frequent or agressive conflict and arguing.    

    2. As far as the “united front” notion—

        §         It can be positive for kids to see that parents do not always agree.

        §         What’s important is to compromise on the solution.

        §         Have kids witness compromise and settlement.

     3.  Children need to learn that disagreements are about differences.    

         §         People can disagree and still work on a common goal.

         §         Differences are not bad or wrong.      

      4. Learn to provide a role model of healthy conflict resolution

          for your family.

      5. Help is available to build conflict resolution skills.

         §   Locate self-help resources, books, and classes.

§         Seek professional family counseling or coaching.

  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

  Regards,

  Dr. Coach Love  

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt 3-15-08  

v      I invite your comments below. 

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.  

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.  

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. 

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.     

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission. 

                                Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.