by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1 & 2…ask yourself these important questions:

v     Is it possible to ignore the controlling behavior/comments and be OK?

v     Is the controlling person in an authority position over me?

Am I doing/saying anything to trigger this controlling behavior or escalate it?

If you do recognize how you add to the problem, use that level of

awareness to change yourself first and then watch for the impact

on the other person.

Do not change with the purpose in mind to try to MAKE the other person change.

That is called manipulation. The goal is to improve YOUR behavior.

You cannot change the behavior of the other. 

CAUTION: When you change, you take the risk that the controlling

person’s behavior may actually seem to get worse

(more controlling or obnoxious) in response to your change.

Resist changing back unless you are in physical danger or do not

want the positive changes in yourself.

Believe it or not, many “control freaks” really are sincere and caring people who

tend to be trapped as perfectionists. Attacking them is not a good plan and

will likely be ineffective. Going on the attack may compromise your values

and take you out of your normal character.

And guess what? THEN YOU HAVE LET THEM CONTROL YOU!!

In my next post, I will continue the discussion on coaching tips to deal

with controlling people.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Control Freaks-7 Types,

                                           Dealing with Control Freaks-9 Tips 

                                  Archives- 8/13/08, 8/16/08, 8/25/08;

                                  Reflections- Controlling a Control Freak;    

                                  Quizzes-Am I a Control Freak

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to

          DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                    brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal

          advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at

           www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Part 1…Handling differences with communication in a relationship can be a challenge. Words have no meaning when they travel through the air.  Despite Webster’s best efforts, words are loaded with meaning by the speaker when spoken and again by the listener when heard. Communication fails when intent and interpretation do not match.

A variation of the communication weed described in Part 1 is the speaker who uses the same words repeatedly—despite the listener missing the drift of the intended meaning. The speaker insists that he/she was clear and that the failure to communicate was all the listener‘s fault. It wasn’t. 

Consider these thoughts: 

è    Repeating the same words to restate what was misunderstood the first time is senseless.

è    Even if your words seem perfectly clear (to you and maybe even 10 others in the room), repetition of those words usually will not do a thing to help this particular listener get your message.

è    Clarification requires selection of different words.

è    Your first choices did not convey your meaning to your listener.

è    Get over it.

è     Move on to new language.

è    Stop being the “word police.” 

Here are 5 basic coaching tips to help you improve communication: 

1)     The speaker gets to say what she said and intended. 

2)     The listener gets to say what he heard and understood.

3)     Arguments often begin when one says, “You said/You meant.” Say instead, “I thought I heard…” or “I misunderstood. I thought you meant…” or “What I am trying to express is…”

4)     Intent and understanding often do not match. Collaborate to establish clear expression to correct the problem.

5)     An audio graphic memory can be useful; but not to tell the speaker what she/he intended.  Use it to locate and correct communication disconnects; for example, how one particular word may carry different meanings for each person. 

Check out Part 3 for 5 additional tips to yank this communication weed out of your relationship.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,  

    Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3-18-08, Pt3 3-21-08

 v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.

                                 Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                      

Communication Weed #3: About Being Right-Part 3

 by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing with——9 Communication Weed Pullers 

• 5. Support your position if necessary with facts. But do not be a know-it all.

• 6. Remember that your partner is no more stubborn in his/her refusal to admit s/he is wrong—-than you are obstinate in your quest to be right.

• 7. Do not make being right and wrong an important goal of your communication.

• 8. When you feel or know you are right right, let it be enough.  Agreement from others is unnecessary.  Validation is optional.

• 9. Understand that in decision-making, reaching the outcome has more to do with compromise and negotiating. Righteous postures can block resolution of an issue.

 In communication, both insistence on being right and the counterpart of failure to admit being wrong will literally kill communication over time. Work consistently to weed out the mindset that all conversations must have right and wrong positions.  Focus instead on understanding differences. The other person is entitled to feeling and thinking differently from you. 

If there is a right position in communication, it is to stop insisting that the other is wrong. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Does this work for you? 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3-06-08, Pt2 3-07-08; Reflections- On Being Right  in Convesation, Need to be Right 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                              Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.