By Dr. Coach Love

In Parts 1 and 2, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in early behavior patterns. I described what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning. Please check back for those discussions. But how does a controlling relationship develop? Whose fault is it?

Both parties contribute to the controlling dynamic. Simply stated, the more one withdraws in silence and finds power or protection in that stance, the more likely that behavior will trigger an aggressive or controlling response from the other. And the reverse is equally true. The more one is aggressive or controlling, the more likely it is the other will withdraw. Both partners have an unmistakable impact on each other, neither of which is particularly healthy for a quality partnership. One is not to blame more than the other. Both co-create the relationship pattern. At any point, either person has the option to work for change in the dynamic (possibly enlist professional help) or exit the relationship instead of continuing to participate in the pattern and be dissatisfied.

In long-term relationships and twenty-year marriages, this controlling/passive pattern strengthens its grip on the couple. Frequently, the controlling person has no true desire to be in charge and feels trapped in the position. Commonly, the ‘control freak’ craves simple conversation and information flow from the other. They are clueless that they contribute to the lack of it. The passive individual (in trying to avoid conflict) frequently is clueless that his inaction is increasing conflict and the controlling pattern between them.

It takes two to tango in a controlling relationship. That being said (and assuming there is no violence between them), there are numerous options to begin the shift in the relationship, but again— that job is not yours as the adult child.

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

by Dr. Coach Love

My wife often agrees to do something and days, even weeks later, it’s still not done.  I try to remind her, but that gets old and she says I nag.  When I commit to something, it’s as good as done. I don’t understand why she promises and doesn’t deliver.  It’s very aggravating when she breaks our deals.  How can I get her to improve in this area?

________________________________________________________________

A common difference within couples is what I refer to as timetable and focus differences.  For example, while you both may agree that the trash needs emptying (sometime), your idea of “soon” may not match her thoughts of when that is. Even if the stench is overwhelming to you and the trashcan runneth over, it may not be as offensive to her or really register on her attention screen. Her behavior might not actually be deal breaking.  It may be a communication weed between the two of you.

The bottom line is that a deal is not always the deal you think it is when you have a different focus and lack a specific agreement on the timetable for task completion.  Partners need to improve on clarifying agreements.

Frequently, incomplete and inaccurate communication produces misperception of a broken agreement. No mutually agreed timetable was actually set and priorities differed.  Couples often do not share the same sense of urgency or focus, particularly with regard to household tasks and family work.  Unfortunately nagging, masquerading as a reminder, takes root as a bad habit, both as the cause of and cure for a problem.

 Partner 1: “Honey, you agreed you would do it!

                   When are you going to get it done?!”

 Partner 2: “I said I would do it and I will, but not right now!

                   I’ll get to it later. There is no rush.”

While differences in timetable and focus/priority are frustrating to both — the “nagger and naggee,” couples can work to reduce the negative fallout from differences. Each partner has a role in creating improvement.

When couples avoid a right-and-wrong approach in their relationship and attribute conflict to individual differences, communication gains clarity and relationships thrive.

For specific ideas on how to get out of the nagging trap, check the Lists on this site for tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Stop Nagging Tips 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.    

                             Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…

In considering the miscommunication situation described, some readers may say, “it’s only a matter of semantics.”  Well, of course! We communicate using semantics! Semantics are the meanings that we attach to words.  If we do not have the same semantics as our listener (meanings for words we say and hear) then we cannot communicate. Webster is not the authority here.  We are each our own authority on what we mean and understand in our communication with others.

Our words become a foreign language when our meaning is mismatched to our listener’s understanding. We miscommunicate AS A PAIR OF COMMUNICATORS when what one intends, is not what the other understands, despite any accurate recall of words used. Arguing about semantics does not improve communication, but is a sidetrack to an issue of who is right and wrong.  Listening and understanding checks clarify communication.

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass destruction and distortion of communication. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards, 

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Word Wars Tips; Posts- Pt1 6-7-08

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.    

              Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

Continuing from Parts 1 & 2… There are many ways to handle disagreements and differences of opinion in marriages.  It is important that the resolution of the issue reflects the rights and opinions of both partners.  Before you “give away” your vote on a decision, remember 3 things:

1.      Keep a positive power attitude. Bad attitudes defeat the purpose.

     You are making a choice. You are not being controlled, giving up,

     or giving in.

2.      Search for a “quid pro quo”; that is, a negotiated trade. Is there   

      another decision you really want made instead– that could be

      exchanged ?

3.      Explore whether an appropriate (apples for apples) compromise is available. For example: not pizza or burgers, but chicken; two weeks instead of one or three; spend $1000 rather than nothing or $2000).

I am not suggesting that couples keep exact scores on who “gets their way.” Ideally, marital decisions would suit both partners equally.  But that will not always be the case.  That is why it becomes important to create a mutually understood history of what really went down during decision-making.

A split reality (giving up versus agreement) triggers misperception and can create a controlling relationship or the appearance of one.  Increase your awareness and build a shared reality with your partner.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Marriage: Being Controlling

                                  Posts- Pt1 5-25-08, Pt2 5-31-08;

                                  Quizzes-Marriage Giving

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                               and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love  

Continuing… In Parts 1, 2, &3, I emphasized that your son was making productive and healthy choices on important life decisions. His “disobedience” is also “noncompliance” when viewed from another angle.  I offered adolescent development information, options to avoid “spitting contests,” and how to “pick battles,” while focusing on other family values/life skills like cooperation, compromise, collaboration, and negotiation. Emotional management for parents was stressed.  

Disciplining adolescents becomes even more complicated when younger children are in the home.  How do you shape the example your younger child observes when your adolescent disobeys?  Remember, only half of the example is from your son’s behavior.  The most important half of the example comes from what you say and do. Are you setting a good example?  Do you as parents: 

•     Argue
•     Raise your voice or yell
•     Remain engaged in a power struggle
•     Repeat yourself
•     Threaten or become controlling
•     Curse, name call,  or demean
•     Get up in his face or follow him around
•     Grab, push, hit, or worse

 If the above examples are observed by your children, it role models a lack of self-control and self-discipline on the part of the parents.   

§         Is this a good example for your younger children? 

§         Would this example of parental behavior influence an adolescent to behave better?

§         Are you willing to (or do you) behave in this way to get obedience?

§         Is that what it takes in your family?

§          What do you think?     

In Part 5,  I’ll continue on this topic with more thoughts.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

 Regards,

 Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-26-08, Pt3 2-27-08, Pt5 3-04-08,

 Pt6 3-09-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience; Lists-Top 10 Parenting Qualities

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,   

         clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.    

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.      

                           Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.