Dr. Coach Love’s Life Coaching Tips

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Parenting-Family:Arguments with College Age Kids Pt3 Tuesday, April 15 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Parents to a Higher Standard – Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

 

 

Continuing…

 

In Parts 1&2, I described my philosophy of holding parents to a higher standard of behavior than their children. I think it is only fair. 

 

However, I also explained that responsibility shifts through the life cycle with the duty for settling conflict becoming roughly equal when “kids” are between 30 and 35. 

 

My belief is that parents should be role models to their adult children throughout the life cycle. As a further guideline, when parents are between 70 and 80 (earlier or later depending on any health issues) adult children need to bear the brunt of responsibility for repairing and maintaining relationships.

 

If you agree with this philosophy, here are the first 5 of 10 coaching tips to help you reconnect. Consider how any one or all of these might be appropriate for your situation with your 18-year-old daughter.

 

1)     Reach out to her more than once to repair the rift, but be mindful of stepping over her boundaries.

2)     Speak with her personally and ask her to talk with you to get past the argument.

3)     Purchase or create a greeting card that carries an important message (or make it humorous) and mail it to her.

4)     E-mail her with a lunch invitation.

Repeat your apology and do not expect or require one in return.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 3/27/08, Pt 3/30/08, Pt4 4/16/08

 

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

 

Parenting-Family:Arguments with College Age Kids PT2 Sunday, March 30 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Parents to a Higher Standard – Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love  

Continuing… I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. Do you agree?

My reason is simple.  I believe parents’ job as role models for both children and adult children continues throughout the lifecycle. Handling conflict and differences appropriately is one critical life skill, which is difficult to learn.  A healthy parental example of taking the initiative and overcoming obstacles is valuable.

 

However, when adult children are between 30 and 35, relationships  generally shift.  Most of the parents will be between 50 and 65.  At that point, responsibility for working on the “relationship” can (and I believe should) be shared.  This is higher-level collaborative example of negotiating differences.

 

By the time parents are between 70 and 80, depending on health, I hold adult children to a higher standard of behavior than their senior parents.  What goes around comes around. Still, senior parents continue to serve a vital function as role models.

 

In Part 3, I will offer coaching tips to help you reconnect with college age kids and young adults. If you agree with the philosophy I outlined above, consider how any one or all of these ideas might be appropriate for your situation.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 3/27/08, Pt3 4/15/08, Pt4 4/16/08

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

 

 

Relationship Problem: Argument and Apology Rollercoaster Tuesday, March 11 , 2008

Filed under: Relationships — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Relationship Problem:  Argument and Apology Rollercoaster 

by Dr. Coach Love

I am in a serious relationship that goes dramatically up and down. We get along well on important things.  Then we start to argue over something stupid, get mad, and don’t talk for days.  Eventually I am always the one to apologize. She never does.  Then things are great again for while until it starts all over again.  What can we do to change this?

________________________________________________________________

You and your significant other are alike, but different sides of the same coin–the apology coin.  Consider this: Those who always apologize are like those who never apologize.  Neither gives real thought to their actions. The relationship you describe doesn’t sound balanced. Apologies by both are necessary for healthy relationships. Mistakes occur. Relationships are not perfect. 

The ability to offer a healing apology is a skill, not a habit.  You two may be locked into a habit pattern–you do/she doesn’t.  Instead of choosing this going-nowhere relationship style, assess together your beliefs about apologies.

The type of pattern you describe is also common in abusive relationships and refers to the honeymoon dance.  It’s as if you were on a wonderful honeymoon for a period, then problems arise. You can’t handle the eruption so distancing occurs.  After you “kiss and make up,” the honeymoon dance begins over again.

Do you both want more stability instead of a roller coaster ride in your relationship?  Work to include apology as a skill that you both have.

Do not stay stuck under the control of habit patterns that are destructive to your relationship.  There may also be unproductive patterns in your argument dynamics as well. Be prepared to tackle that, too.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO: Article: 4 Types of Apology

   v      I invite your comments below. v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.  v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,  brevity, clarity, and general interest.  v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                                 Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.                  

 

Marraige and Apology: 4 Types Wednesday, March 5 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Marriage,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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4 Types of Apology

 by Dr. Coach Love 

My husband and I totally disagree about apologies. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, he won’t apologize. He also believes that if you have to ask for an apology, it’s meaningless.  I ask for and do not get apologies.  I’m upset because it seems like he doesn’t care. I’m harboring many hurt feelings.  What can we do?

_____________________________________________

 In an intimate relationship, well meant “sorry’s” are essential. Being unapologetic or unforgiving damages a relationship.  Bottom line—a sincere apology is not automatically an admission of wrongdoing. It can also be a sign of respect and sensitivity.   

Consider these 4 Types of Apology:  

1. You made a mistake and regret it.

  • Apologize to make amends.
  • Take corrective actions.

 2. You don’t think what you did/said was wrong, but you can tell the other person is hurt or offended by it.

  • Others have a right to their feelings even when they misinterpret your intentions or if you feel they are overly sensitive.
  • It’s not just their problem; it’s yours, too.
  • Apologize to show respect and then clarify your intentions.

 3. You empathize with someone over his/her “bad day” for which you had no responsibility.

  • You want to be supportive.
  • Say, “I’m sorry” to demonstrate your concern for the other’s well-being.

 4. You have no idea why or how, but someone is upset with you and asked for an apology. 

·        Never ignore a potential apology owed especially when requested. 

·        Perhaps you are unaware of a miscommunication. 

·        Apologize and take time to discover what went wrong. 

 

 

 

 

Remember: Those who never apologize are like those who always do. Both give no thought to their actions.  Love doesn’t mean NEVER having to say you’re sorry. Do you agree? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,  

Dr. Coach Love 

 MORE INFO LINKS: Quizzes-Marriage Checkup #1     

 v      I invite your comments below. 

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                      brevity, clarity, and general interest.  

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. 

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 ©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  

               Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.                                                                       

 

Relationships and Marriage:Communication with Crabby Men Tuesday, February 19 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Marriage,Relationships — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Crabby  Menby Dr. Coach Love

My husband is usually even-tempered and very good-natured.  Once a week or so, he catches me off guard and is very crabby. I ask him to help me with something, he agrees.  Then before long, he gets very unpleasantly crabby.  I don’t seem to see it coming.  When we finally get to the bottom of it, he apologizes. He says was very tired, but still wanted to help me.  We seem to continue in a circle with this.  How can we get out of it? Shouldn’t he just tell me instead of getting crabby?

________________________________________________________________ 

Since you have been around the block with this pattern a few times, you are no longer an unknowing participant.  He is not the only one who has responsibility for this interaction.  Why should you expect him to know what’s going on any more than you do? You’re not the crabby one— yet.

For instance, here’s something you might do. Since he is generally good-natured, learn to more sensitive when he is not.  If he starts to get crabby on you, consider the possibility that, like in the past, he is simply tired, but does not want to say no to you. Kindly and gently let him off the hook by saying, “Honey, you must be tired.  We can do this another time.”

He also has equal responsibility to develop an awareness of when he needs to pass on or delay an opportunity to help you.  He seems to get into trouble because of his good qualities (helpfulness) rather than bad ones.

In any repetitive relationship pattern, both partners participate.  If one changes participation, the pattern changes.  Bottom line is, if you want something to change, do not wait for the other person, change it yourself.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

  v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

            and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

           Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                                  

                                            Contact  DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net  for permissions.