Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips » Anger management

Arguing in Front of Kids– Part 1

drcoachlove — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:51:59 +0000

I am a 36-year-old married mother of two children, ages 9 and 11. My husband and I disagree about arguing in front of them. I say it is okay as long as we don’t get out of control. He says, they should never see us disagree, and we should always present a “united front.” The problem is, we often disagree. Suggestions?

________________________________________________________________________

Parental disagreement is a normal (and necessary) part of parenting. Should kids know parents have disagreements? YES. Should the children be witnesses to arguments? Also YES—in reasonable moderation.

Parental disagreement on this subject usually reflects a difference in childhood experiences. Very often, people from these opposite family types marry.

Many adults grew up in households with violent, abusive, or conflict driven environments. Others never heard a raised voice or witnessed disagreement between their parents. Both of these opposite end experiences typically lead to a lack of communication skills and the (often) lifelong belief that arguing is bad, abnormal, or unnecessary OR build a chronically conflict driven relationship without hope of peace. Significant relationship issues will pass down through generations as a result.

Both types of families pass up four worthwhile parenting opportunities to teach children how to build stronger communication skills in future relationships.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and learn what parenting opportunities were missed.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

PS–I invite your push back of experiences and comments. Tell me what’s on your mind.

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Temper and Going Ballistic

drcoachlove — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 19:48:43 +0000

Temper and Going Ballistic

I used to think that I was even tempered but lately, my girlfriend says I am losing it. I ignore most stuff and let it go. BUT when it really gets to me, I can’t keep it in and go ballistic. It really takes a lot to make me go off. My girlfriend brings up every little thing, it seems. She lets nothing go. I want my girlfriend to be more like me so that we would not have so many fights. What can I do?

There is an expression that says not to sweat the small stuff. I disagree. Instead I suggest, “Always sweat the small stuff before it builds a bonfire.”

Your self-description sounds like you are a bonfire builder. And your reaction to your girlfriend likely is a disregard for her small concerns. Certainly there is a point when addressing small concerns is ‘nitpicking’; but what is small to one may easily be huge in scope to the other.

In the balance, if you learn to speak up earlier about issues, you should still be in control of your emotions and not throw a grown-up tantrum —or worse. You may think you have let things go while actually you may be stuffing emotions to the point of the explosions you admit.

In short, she can consider dialing down on her expressiveness and you might crank yours up to create a better balance in your relationship to have both fewer and more manageable fights.

What do you think? Check back for more options. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

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v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Anger Management4

drcoachlove — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:51:13 +0000

Who Needs Anger Management? Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

As I explained previously in Parts 1, 2, and 3, anger management is a small part of the total picture of emotional management. The second and third of five basic skills for emotional management are ‘recognize your emotions’ and ‘do not stuff or deny emotions’.

By recognizing emotions, I mean acceptance that you have feelings. After all, everybody with the brain wiring has feelings—- whether they want to or not. Symbolically, we point to our brain and say, “use your head” when we want to encourage people to think about something. We could also accurately encourage people to “use the other side of your head” when we want them to acknowledge feelings. Without getting technical, emotions come from a different part of the brain than does thinking.

The importance of recognizing and owning our feelings is simple. The more emotionally aware we become, the more we can develop the ability to choose our behavior and not act in an out of control manner. Now doesn’t that sound like a good thing?

What happens when individuals stuff or deny that they have feelings? They become cut off from their genuine selves and frequently have trouble with relationships, particularly intimate ones.

Except in the case of certain mental health disorders, we all have feelings. The only question is our awareness and intelligent use of them. People who self describe as “not being an emotional person” are usually disclosing that they are unaware or inexpressive of their emotional processes.

Again, we cannot cancel out the feeling parts of ourselves. (Some folks try to do so through drugs, alcohol, and other unhealthy means. If this describes you, please consider seeking out professional mental services immediately.)

Check back for #4 and #5 of the key skills for emotional management.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08, 9/26/08, 10/02/08, 10/14/08

Lists- Coming Soon

Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Anger Management3

drcoachlove — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:02:08 +0000

Who Needs Anger Management? Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, where I suggested that ‘anger management’ is really ‘emotional management’ and that there are two basic types of anger MISmanagement—occasional blowing-up and routine spouting-off.( Review these posts for descriptions.)

And guess what?

‘Blowing-uppers’ are frequently married to ’Spouting-offers’!

Such a combination! Do you know anybody like this? You, perhaps??

Everybody needs effective emotional management. How are strong are your emotional management skills? The first of 5 key skills for emotional management is ‘develop an emotional vocabulary’.

Like red, yellow, and blue—-sad, mad, and glad are the primary emotions. But similar to a color palette, all emotions are a blend or degree of the three primary feelings. Learn the vocabulary of feelings.

How quickly can you name:

Five words related to feeling SAD?
Five words related to feeling MAD?
Five words related to feeling GLAD?
What about SAD + MAD?
MAD + GLAD?
GLAD + SAD?

Get the idea?? Anyway, once you (or if you already) have a full vocabulary of words to describe your feelings, the next skill is to ‘recognize your emotions’.

Check back for more on emotional management.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08, 9/26/08,10/08/08,10/14/08

Lists- Coming Soon

Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Anger Management2

drcoachlove — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:43:46 +0000

Who Needs Anger Management? Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…. There are two basic types of anger MISmanagement, occasional big blowing-up, and routine spouting-off.

Blowing-up

Some believe that a big blow-up now and then is no big deal. After all, they claim, they don’t let most things bother them. So—- when something eventually gets to them and they let go of anger in a big-time way, they justify their behavior.

What is the problem with an occasional big blow-up? Two things.

1. Big blow-ups become disruptive to relationships and are unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Big blow-ups trigger others to tip toe around wondering when the next explosion will occur. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

Spouting-off

Others believe that addressing every anger issue is important to get things out in the open. After all, they claim, they have a right to express their true feelings and opinions. So—-when little things occur to anger them and they let loose to routinely spout-off, they justify their behavior.

What is the problem with spouting-off? Two things.

1. Spouting-off becomes negative criticism in relationships and is unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Routine spouting-off triggers others to turn a deaf ear because they are tired of hearing it. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

Can you see the parallel pattern? Occasional blowing-up and routine spouting-off have virtually the same negative impact on relationships. Neither method of expressing anger is healthy or positive. Either choice can lead to controlling and bossy patterns in relationships.

I say that blowing-up and spouting-off are on the same “anger nickel.” It doesn’t really matter whether you choose heads or tails. A nickel is a nickel. In this case, heads you lose and tails you lose. Your relationship loses.

Check back for more on emotional management.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08,10/02//08,10/08/08, 10/14/08

Lists- Coming Soon

Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Anger Management1

drcoachlove — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 21:04:03 +0000

Who Needs Anger Management? Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I think my wife needs anger management, but she says that I do. I seldom get mad, and don’t let things bother me. When I’ve had enough, I blow up, but only occasionally. My wife seems to get mad about every little thing and lets me know about it. Who needs anger management?

________________________________________________________________

Guess what? You both need more than anger management. You need to learn emotional management.

The term ‘anger management’ has become popularized due to the well-known movie by that title. But anger is an emotion that, when mismanaged, links with problems appropriately expressing other emotions as well — – — fear, disappointment, hurt, frustration, grief, respect, and others. When all emotions are managed, it is less likely that anger gets out of control either in the occasional blowing-up like you admit or in the routine spouting-off you describe for your wife. Managing emotions is also the basis for emotional intelligence

What does it mean when you ‘manage your emotions’? Here are five key skills.

1. Develop an emotional vocabulary.

2. Recognize your emotions.

3. Do not “stuff” or deny your feelings.

4. Make a conscious decision of whether to express feelings.

5. Choose appropriate language to communicate effectively your message.

NOTE: If anger escalates into any type of violence or abuse against a person, or even animals/property, please seek professional therapy services immediately.

Check back for Part 2 when I will continue the discussion on emotional management.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/26/08, 10/02/08,10/08/08,10/14/08

Lists- Coming Soon

Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.