Dr. Coach Love’s Life Coaching Tips

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Anger Management4 Wednesday, October 8 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Marriage,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Who Needs Anger Management? Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

 

 

As I explained previously in Parts 1, 2, and 3, anger management is a small part of the total picture of emotional management. The second and third of five basic skills for emotional management are ‘recognize your emotions’ and ‘do not stuff or deny emotions’.

 

By recognizing emotions, I mean acceptance that you have feelings. After all, everybody with the brain wiring has feelings—- whether they want to or not. Symbolically, we point to our brain and say, “use your head” when we want to encourage people to think about something. We could also accurately encourage people to “use the other side of your head” when we want them to acknowledge feelings. Without getting technical, emotions come from a different part of the brain than does thinking.

 

The importance of recognizing  and owning our feelings is simple. The more emotionally aware we become, the more we can develop the ability to choose our behavior and not act in an out of control manner.  Now doesn’t that sound like a good thing?

 

What happens when individuals stuff or deny that they have feelings? They become cut off from their genuine selves and frequently have trouble with relationships, particularly intimate ones.

 

Except in the case of certain mental health disorders, we all have feelings. The only question is our awareness and intelligent use of them. People who self describe as “not being an emotional person” are usually disclosing that they are unaware or inexpressive of their emotional processes.

 

Again, we cannot cancel out the feeling parts of ourselves. (Some folks try to do so through drugs, alcohol, and other unhealthy means. If this describes you, please consider seeking out professional mental services immediately.)

 

Check back for #4 and #5 of the key skills for emotional management.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08, 9/26/08, 10/02/08, 10/14/08

                                  Lists- Coming Soon

                                  Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

 

 

Anger Management3 Thursday, October 2 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Marriage,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Who Needs Anger Management? Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

 

Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, where I suggested that ‘anger management’  is really ‘emotional management’ and that there are two basic types of anger MISmanagement—occasional blowing-up and routine spouting-off.( Review these posts for descriptions.)

 

And guess what? 

‘Blowing-uppers’ are frequently married to ’Spouting-offers’!

Such a combination! Do you know anybody like this? You, perhaps??

 

Everybody needs effective emotional management. How are strong are your emotional management skills? The first of 5 key skills for emotional management is   ‘develop an emotional vocabulary’.

 

Like red, yellow, and blue—-sad, mad, and glad are the primary emotions. But similar to a color palette, all emotions are a blend or degree of the three primary feelings. Learn the vocabulary of feelings.

 

How quickly can you name:

  1. Five words related to feeling SAD?
  2. Five words related to feeling MAD?
  3. Five words related to feeling GLAD?
  4. What about SAD + MAD?
  5. MAD + GLAD?
  6. GLAD + SAD?

 

Get the idea??   Anyway, once you (or if you already) have a full vocabulary of words to describe your feelings, the next skill is to ‘recognize your emotions’.

 

Check back for more on emotional management.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08, 9/26/08,10/08/08,10/14/08

                                  Lists- Coming Soon

                                  Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Anger Management2 Friday, September 26 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Marriage,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Who Needs Anger Management? Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

 

Continuing from Part 1…. There are two basic types of anger MISmanagement, occasional big blowing-up, and routine spouting-off.

 

Blowing-up

 

Some believe that a big blow-up now and then is no big deal. After all, they claim, they don’t let most things bother them. So—- when something eventually gets to them and they let go of anger in a big-time way, they justify their behavior.

 

What is the problem with an occasional big blow-up? Two things.

 

1. Big blow-ups become disruptive to relationships and are unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Big blow-ups trigger others to tip toe around wondering when the next explosion will occur. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

 

Spouting-off

 

Others believe that addressing every anger issue is important to get things out in the open. After all, they claim, they have a right to express their true feelings and opinions. So—-when little things occur to anger them and they let loose to routinely spout-off, they justify their behavior.

 

What is the problem with spouting-off? Two things.

 

1. Spouting-off becomes negative criticism in relationships and is unpleasant, unfair, and ineffective in solving problems.

2. Routine spouting-off triggers others to turn a deaf ear because they are tired of hearing it. Communication shuts down. Relationships change— and not for the better.

 

Can you see the parallel pattern? Occasional blowing-up and routine spouting-off have virtually the same negative impact on relationships. Neither method of expressing anger is healthy or positive. Either choice can lead to controlling and bossy patterns in relationships.

 

I say that blowing-up and spouting-off are on the same “anger nickel.” It doesn’t really matter whether you choose heads or tails. A nickel is a nickel. In this case, heads you lose and tails you lose. Your relationship loses.

 

Check back for more on emotional management.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/21/08,10/02//08,10/08/08, 10/14/08

                                    Lists- Coming Soon

                                    Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Anger Management1 Sunday, September 21 , 2008

Filed under: Communication,Family,Marriage,Parenting,Relationships,feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Who Needs Anger Management? Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

  

I think my wife needs anger management, but she says that I do. I seldom get mad, and don’t let things bother me. When I’ve had enough, I blow up, but only occasionally. My wife seems to get mad about every little thing and lets me know about it. Who needs anger management?

________________________________________________________________

 

Guess what? You both need more than anger management. You need to learn emotional management.

 

The term ‘anger management’ has become popularized due to the well-known movie by that title. But anger is an emotion that, when mismanaged, links with problems appropriately expressing other emotions as well — – — fear, disappointment, hurt, frustration, grief, respect, and others. When all emotions are managed, it is less likely that anger gets out of control either in the occasional blowing-up like you admit or in the routine spouting-off you describe for your wife. Managing emotions is also the basis for emotional intelligence

 

What does it mean when you ‘manage your emotions’? Here are five key skills.

 

1. Develop an emotional vocabulary.

2. Recognize your emotions.

3. Do not “stuff” or deny your feelings.

4. Make a conscious decision of whether to express feelings.

5. Choose appropriate language to communicate effectively your message.

 

NOTE: If anger escalates into any type of violence or abuse against a person, or even animals/property, please seek professional therapy services immediately.

 

Check back for Part 2 when I will continue the discussion on emotional management.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Archives-9/26/08, 10/02/08,10/08/08,10/14/08

                                  Lists- Coming Soon

                                  Reflections- Blow-ups and Small Stuff

 

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.