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Common He Said/She Said Miscommunication Pattern #1- Giving Up, Giving In |
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The he said’s/she said’s below are interchangeable; that is, the pattern is not gender-based. The conversation could be about any topic and in either order—he/she or she/he.
The scene of this common processing conversation is the office of a marriage and family therapist. The couple has been married for 15 plus years and is in counseling for the first time.
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He said: You are always trying to control me. |
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she said: What? I never get my way. You’re the one who’s controlling. |
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He said: Don’t put that on me. You always try to turn the tables when you’re at fault. |
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she said: You are controlling. I’m not controlling. |
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he said: OK. Give me an example. |
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she said: When we brought the truck… |
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he said: I remember. At first, you didn’t want it, but then you agreed. |
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she said: No, I didn’t. You were so pushy. |
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he said: You agreed. You even signed on the loan. |
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she said: Of course, I had to sign to get you to be quiet about the truck. |
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he said: No, you didn’t. Remember, I took the time to explain about the great deal and you said… |
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she said: I said I didn’t care about the great deal… |
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he said: And then I showed how I could resell the old truck… |
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she said: And I told you I did not want to drive that huge truck… |
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he said: But I said I’d teach you, you said, “sure” and we went to sign the papers. |
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She said: It wasn’t that kind of “sure.” I got tired of arguing. I did not want the truck! |
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He said: We did not argue. We were discussing. I convinced you and you agreed. |
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She said: Absolutely not! We were arguing and you got your way. I just gave up and gave in. |
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This type of processing conversation typically continues with him providing an example of how she “got her way.” A similar pattern of miscommunication is revealed. The full picture adds up to an explanation of how each partner feels controlled by the other. The partners do not share a record of how disagreements were resolved. Each thought that they had convinced the other, while the other believed, he/she had given in or given up. Giving up and giving in creates the feeling of being controlled and helps set the pattern for a controlling relationship.
Do you and your partner have a similar pattern of miscommunication? While it is certainly not about keeping score, How can you work to keep your record straight? Will you learn to never give up, never give in, and give away instead (without attitude, of course)?
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MORE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt1 5-25-08, Pt2 5-31-08, Pt3 6-03-08; Quizzes- Marriage Giving
© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
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