Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips

Husband Wants More Attention and Sex

drcoachlove — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:48:17 +0000

Husband Wants More Attention and Sex

by Dr. Coach Love

We have been married almost 10 years. We both work full-time and have two children. My husband works hard at his job and at home but has expressed his discontent that I don’t give him enough attention— look at him, show affection, talk to him, spend time with him, and (of course) initiate sex. I know he deserves more attention, but that feels like just one more thing on my to-do list. It stresses me out. Tips, please?

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Whether your to-do list is mental, electronic, or on paper, attention to your husband (and marriage) “should” be on that list. If you value your marriage and love your husband, marital attention can become a priority at the top of your list. And if you want family stability, remember, your marriage is the foundation for your family. Strong marriages make for strong families.

You don’t paint your husband as particularly high maintenance or a slacker. And it sounds like you get stressed whether you give him attention or don’t. A solid marriage will reduce stress through good communication. Do you get enough of the kind of attention you want? Are you fully satisfied with your marriage? Maybe you are playing the “when this happens game” . Are you delaying attention to your marriage for when—

… the kids are in school…. they become more independent… we can trust a sitter…we don’t have an child activity planned… children are out of the house… we have more money for sitters and dates….blah,blah,blah

Get real. There are no good reasons (or excuses) to neglect your marriage— unless, of course, you don’t care about keeping it. Marital neglect leads to marital dissatisfaction which leads to emotional distance which leads to— well, let’s not go there.

Being on the family fast-track is a real threat to marriage quality because the activity level and stress can lead to marital neglect. Both spouses can be prone to neglect the other in favor of over focusing on children’s needs. Overfocusing on kids can damage marriages!

Yes, I did say over focusing on children. The reality is that the time you spend attending to and nurturing your marriage does not cause a neglect of your children. On the contrary, a marital focus directly benefits your children by strengthening the parental bond.

Here are a few quick tips to consider:

1. Reevaluate your children’s schedule and consider cutting back/carpooling.

2. Work to develop collaborative babysitting resources.

3. Create a list of low-cost, no cost, and at-home activities for date nights.

4. Schedule a regular date night.

5. Plan a Couple’s Love Decathlon.

http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/couples-love-decathlon-recreating-romance-and/

Think about an ounce and a pound. Simple efforts now on a small scale can prevent major weakening of your marital connection. Marital distance can lead to family weakness and destruction.

The best time to restore and enrich loving and intimate connections with each other is today. Pay attention now or risk seious marital dissatisfaction in the future.

What do you think? Check the links below for additional information.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P3

drcoachlove — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 22:15:14 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 3

By Dr. Coach Love

Review Parts 1-2 for the beginning of this discussion. Controlling relationships can change. However, often a controlling partner justifies or defends their behavior as being helpful, or declares their way as the right way, claims that they know better and are more competent or rational— change becomes more difficult. When the controlling partner is clueless about the rights of the other partner, the chances for healthy change improve significantly with the services of a licensed mental health professional.

Frequently, the controlling person will not enter into counseling or therapy because of the perception that it is the other person who needs help. In those situations, the person being controlled can receive help through individual therapy. The focus would likely be on taking a hard look at the behaviors which feed the controlling tendency of the other.

One important caution: it is not uncommon for some controlling people to reinforce their sense of power through threats and/or physical violence and verbal abuse. Sometimes threats and violence escalate— particularly if the controlling person feels threatened by the other seeking change through therapeutic intervention.

Building a support system of friends and family and knowing legal options to protect oneself from abuse are critical. The risks of change will be discussed further in Part 4.

What do you think? Check the table of contents below for links to more articles and Q&A on controlling behavior.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P2

drcoachlove — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:15:58 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I talked about the individual rights we all have and do not lose in marriage or

an intimate partnership. Compromise, collaboration, cooperation, and negotiation are

important processes between spouses/partners when a conflict of rights occur. Control

is an unhealthy dynamic in all intimate partnerships.

Controlling relationships generally have the impact of:

1. Disrespecting, discounting, or degrading a partner in order

to get one’s way.

2. Destroying a partnership and creating a parent/child relationship.

3. Triggering the loss of self for the “lower rank” partner

4. Fostering a climate of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse

5. Building distance in the relationship

6. Creating a “partnership of one”

Partners who yield to the control often:

Are fearful
Have low self-esteem
Practice a pattern of conflict avoidance
Focus habitually on pleasing others at their own expense
Lose self-confidence
Feel isolated or depressed

In relationships where the controlling partner has the self-awareness to acknowledge their control tendencies and expresses the willingness to change, the prospects for a healthy partnership are excellent. When both spouses agree on the problem definition—a controlling dynamic— it becomes less of a challenge to find a mutual solution to create change. With highly motivated partners, self-help materials are available as well as the opportunity to engage professional services from a marriage and family therapist or other mental health professionals.

Check back for the discussion about when the controlling partner is in denial of the impact of the behavior on the relationship.

What do you think? Review the table of contents below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior in this blog.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Controlling Husband-Loss of Self P1

drcoachlove — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 23:01:47 +0000

Controlling Husband and Loss of Self Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

I love my husband, but as a former corporate executive for many years with lots of authority over many people, he can be very controlling, so much so that I have nearly forgotten who I am. Every little thing has to be his way because he says it is the best way. He takes offense if I offer suggestions or a different way of doing something. It seems that I cannot even have my own opinion. We are financially comfortable and both contribute about the same. Recently, I started my own account and when I told him about it he blew up. He told me to take that money and pay off his bills. His behavior and words get very ugly and he often sulks in silence for weeks when he gets angry to punish me. He often behaves toward me like he is my boss — not my husband and partner. What can I do to regain myself?

Many corporations and military systems rely on an established hierarchy of people for their organizational processes— including decision-making. A common personal relationship problem occurs when individuals, who are in authority or part of a hierarchical system at work, believe that they “outrank” their spouses or intimate relationship partners and become controlling at home.

Rank has no place in a healthy and loving marriage or intimate partnership. When we enter marriage or another type of intimate partnership, we work together and compromise for the good of the relationship, but we also do not give up all of our individual rights. Here is a list of 8 basic individual rights we all have—even when our feelings, ideas, or needs differ from or conflict with those of our spouse or intimate partner.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO…

Hold our own opinion.
Express our opinion reasonably and be heard with respect.
Spend some money as we please.
Privacy.
Take some individual time/ alone time.
Have and express our feelings without criticism.
Be free of fear in our relationship.
Choose whether to have sex with our partner.

When we do not exercise our rights, we can lose who we are. Still, we can consciously

decide not to exercise our rights; but feeling compelled to surrender or

having our rights taken away from us by our partner can be a sign of a controlling

relationship. Controlling relationships are typically based on consistently

executing the rights of one person at the expense of rights of the other. Controlling relationships generally have little or no compromise.

Which of the 8 basic individual rights listed above do you have and

choose to execute in your marriage? Understand, however, that exercising

our rights, at times, can violate or nullify the rights of our partners. In

healthy marriages, spouses acknowledge both their own and the rights of

their partner. In times of conflict of rights, partners work together to

build healthy solutions.

What do you think? In Parts 2 and 3, I will continue discussion. Review the link listed below for more information and Q&A on controlling behavior and control freaks.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Tips for Guys Dating Again P5

drcoachlove — Fri, 29 May 2009 19:48:26 +0000

Tips for Guys Dating Again- Part 5

By Dr. Coach Love

Before you go out trying to meet women to date successfully, I offer these three tips in Parts 1 — 3:

1. Focus on good grooming.

2. Know your inner game: thoughts, feelings, goals, needs, and beliefs

3. Develop your wish list

Check back for details. Now here’s #4.

Grow Your Likability

It is important to be your self, because the self you show is the one she is going to expect going forward. So what’s the point of being someone you are not? You can be your best self and increase your likability by keeping these ideas in mind.

Part of who you are is having an opinion about things. You come off as flat, dull and boring if you do not share your own thoughts. Be careful however, that you don’t share your opinions, likes and dislikes as the only good and right ones out there. That’s called being a know it all and controlling. A definite turnoff! Be flexible and be willing to really listen and accept different opinions, but have your own opinion— just not one that is set in stone.

And as you put your opinions out there, seek hers. This way, you will have a parallel process going on of getting to know each other. If she fails to express her opinion or conversely seems overly opinionated, that could be a red flag for you.

It is important to create a balance of conversation with information about yourself and information about her. The side on a low to moderate level of self-disclosure depending on how the interaction and conversation goes. But definitely, do not spill your guts.

Neither interrogate her about herself nor carry-on about all your wonderful traits and accomplishments. This is called being self-centered and not showing an interest in getting to know her.

Be positive and use kind, upbeat humor. Definitely avoid sarcasm, even if intended to be humorous, because it can be misinterpreted as rude or negative.

Be prepared with timely topics of conversation. This is easily done by a quick review of the Internet stories of the day. If you are into movies, books, technology, music, sports, or similar fun topics, be up to date. Share the passions you have. Be cautious about the potential for inflammatory discussions about politics and religion— unless there are specific cues that your date is agreeable to those conversations.

And just like you were taught, well mannered people are easier to be around. Be polite to everyone, and use your manners.

And if you haven’t practiced your smile lately, go to the mirror and learn to recognize it. Your smile is a valuable asset which tells her that you are approachable.

Check back for Tip #5, Create Confidence for the Road.

What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/find-it-fast/

Archives-

Articles- How to Find a Companion: Blind Dates, 2/13/08

Successful Dating, 2/20/08

Quizzes- Dating: Online Screening 2/22/08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Parenting-Kids Cleaning Up P2

drcoachlove — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:48:48 +0000

Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, we began the discussion about handling parenting when mother and father approach it from different or opposite angles. While both methods may produce compliance, sometimes parents give up on pursuing compliance and do the cleanup themselves. After all, it can be quicker and easier. But is it a good parent quality to settle for making things easier and quicker for parents or to consistently teach life skills and responsibility to children? Probably both are appropriate at times. What are your values?

“Better” parenting approaches will usually take more time and energy. However, the end result will be creating the opportunity for teaching additional life lessons and relationship skills. Spending more time can lead to a more in-depth outcome.

One of the most universal methods to get kids to clean up after themselves is the dreaded ‘L’ word—LISTS. I know that making lists can be a royal pain for many adults. I can even hear some of you saying, “We shouldn’t have to do that. We are the parents and should just be able to tell them and they obey.” Does that really work for you? For many, the answer is no. If your preferred method doesn’t work— it doesn’t work. Try something different or retry a method with a different attitude and more persistence— like a list.

Most adults have well formulated opinions about lists and the value of making them. Are you a meticulous list maker or list avoider? Are your lists detailed? Do you make mental lists? Create shopping lists? To-do lists? Depending on your viewpoint, you may be more or less open to the idea of the regular practice of lists. Nevertheless, list making is a life skill. List can be a useful tool to improve compliance with kids cleaning up after themselves and for chores in general.

But— not all kids respond to the same approach from parents. And even the same approach from one parent will work— while it will be unsuccessful when used by the other parent. In every family with multiple children, it is common for individual kids to respond differently to parenting. There are also many ‘high maintenance’ kids who seem to require more highly focused—or intense— parenting.

In Part 3 of this series, I will talk about the special challenges for families with multiple and high maintenance kids.

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Marriage-Work Friend-Am I Cheating?

drcoachlove — Mon, 11 May 2009 01:41:25 +0000

Marriage And Work Friend: Am I Cheating on My Wife? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

I have a particular friend at work who is going through a rough time. She has been confiding in me more and more about her marriage over the last six months. I listen, but only share a few of my own stories. I tried to be helpful and comfort her. I like her and feel sorry for her. We text each other occasionally on the weekends. Recently, she asked me to meet her after work so we could talk longer. I said I’d check with my wife to see if we already had plans. My friend looked surprised and asked me why I had to get permission. Didn’t I have any privacy, she asked. Now it occurs to me something more is going on here— but I am tempted to go. Am I cheating on my wife?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

What you are describing is at least the beginning stages of an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you. So far, it seems that you have put some limits on it by not sharing too many of your own stories. But …

You mentioned texting each other on the weekend. Big question — – does your wife know about the messaging contact? If you have kept the texting a secret (or private), why? Look out! Secrecy and not sharing the relationship with your wife sets the tone for emotional cheating.

Additionally, your work friend is likely very vulnerable—as are most people when experiencing marital difficulties. Her invitation to meet after work combined with her suggestion that you keep a secret from your wife spells big time trouble with a capital T. Add to that that you are actually tempted to meet her without your wife’s knowledge… Well, I will say that you are at least cheating your wife out of your time, attention, and an opportunity to share with you how you are helping a friend in need.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2 and in Find –It-Fast for more discussion, tips, and help to identify and prevent emotional cheating.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Parenting -Kids Cleaning Up Part 1

drcoachlove — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:44:01 +0000

Parenting: Kids Cleaning Up-Part 1

Dr. Coach Love

My husband and I have completely opposite approaches to getting our kids to clean up after themselves. He raises his voice and gets harsh the first time he asks them to do something and usually gets immediate response. He doesn’t believe he should have to tell them more than once. I don’t really think it works that way for our kids. I remain soft-spoken and calm, and follow-up until they do it, which eventually they do. We both get “results” but agree there must be a better way. Any ideas for us?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

As a general rule, since mothers and fathers are individuals with diverse family backgrounds, they often have different— and even opposite— approaches to parenting. That can be okay in your situation since you both feel that you get “results”. But since you are asking about it, I think you might be working against each other on the issue of getting your kids to clean up after themselves.

His loudness may undermine your softness. And your softness, along with repeated follow-up, reinforces his need for automatic loudness to get his desired first time compliance. Is this possibly the situation in your home? Your kids likely have adapted and respond to both styles of parenting. Nevertheless, you don’t like his higher volume harshness and he doesn’t think your repetitive follow-up sends a firm enough message. The truth is that both approaches have potential negative lessons embedded in them.

When parents get loud in order to get kids to clean up, the volume and tone, which maybe not perceived as excessive by the parent, can be perceived by the children as yelling, hollering, rudeness, disrespect, impatience, or maybe felt as a fear factor. Do you want to risk modeling these ways of behaving for your children? Caution is in order to determine whether your children see their dad’s loudness in this way.

When parents remain calm and repeat themselves and follow-up until the job gets done, other negative lessons might be communicated. This approach can spawn thinking that you’ll forget, wear out, put up with stalling, and that a delaying tactic is acceptable. Could your children be thinking this about you?

So what are parents to do? Check back for my next blog in this series for more discussion and suggestions.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Child Discipline-Spanking and Yelling 4

drcoachlove — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:03:38 +0000

Child Discipline: Spanking and Yelling Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

It may be wise for you to rethink your parenting practice of relying on yelling and spanking as discipline while your child is young. Review Parts 1-3 for more details. This is particularly true when you consider the overall long-term ineffectiveness combined with the potential long-term negative impacts. You cut off loving communication with your child and lose an opportunity to build influence. You end up relying on a ‘bully’ or ‘fear’ factor instead to carry your message. Is that what you intend?

There are numerous excellent books and models for behavior shaping and disciplining of young children—systems, stars, and charts. Many of these behavior plans can be effective as an alternative to yelling and swatting–if both parents work hard and are consistent. However, when frustrated in the moment (or after a few futile attempts to discipline), it may seem easiest and quickest to yell, swat, and intimidate to interrupt bad behavior. This short-term “solution” will likely generate a long-term aftermath of unnecessary problems.

Here are the first 3 of 12 basic coaching tips, which demonstrate positive Rules of Engagement in parenting:

1. Challenge the behavior not the goodness of the child.

· Emphasize that the behavior is a bad choice and that sometimes good kids choose to do bad things.

· They don’t have the huge task of changing who they are because they are already good people.

· They only need to change what they choose to do.

2. Focus on the positive.

· “I am glad you completed your homework” rather than “You would have had it done earlier if you had not fooled around so much”.

3. Reinforce good behavior as your primary effort

· “That’s great that you put your backpack in your room.”

· “Picking up your coat would be a good thing too.”

In Part V, I will continue with #4 through #12.

Check my blog again more discussion. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Parenting- http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is

not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Guys Dating Tips 4

drcoachlove — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:13:05 +0000

Tips for Guys Dating Again- Part 4

By Dr. Coach Love

In Part 1, I provided general tips about how to successfully date and 10 tips to follow before you go and at the scene—with details in Parts 2 and 3. Get caught up and review the earlier blogs.

I emphasize that if you are a guy interested in more than sex alone, prepare yourself ahead of time. Strengthen your dating skills by using these tips.

On the list of ‘Before You Go’ tips I covered Good Grooming and your Inner Game. Now it’s time to Develop Your Wish List.

Develop Your Wish List

1. Think about your previous dates and relationships/marriage. What were the qualities of the women involved? Brainstorm uncritically and make a quick, but lengthy, list of all of the qualities the women possessed. Think also about any qualities that were absent that turned out to be problematic.

2. Neutral, positive, and negative qualities to review might include: intelligence, education, humor, drinking habits, smoking habits, recreational drug use, intelligence, education, appearance, conversational skills, negativity, friendliness, affection, religion, politics, and flexibility.

3. Take all of these qualities that you want in a relationship and express them in a positive form. For example, not “she wouldn’t exercise and watch her weight”, but rather “a partner who exercises and works to keep a healthy weight”; not “she was lazy”, but rather “a partner who keeps busy and works hard”.

4. Take your list of all of the positive qualities. Make your Wish List.

Divide a piece of paper into two columns—-Must Haves and Preferences. Your Must Haves are the bottom line relationship deal makers or deal breakers for you. Your Preferences are the bonuses that are unnecessary but could enhance the quality of your relationship.
Evaluate the qualities you have listed and put each under one of the two columns. Try to identify at least 12 qualities in all.
After you have done so, recognize whether you are being overly selective or un-choosy by looking at the distribution of the qualities between the columns.
Take your list and look again.
If you have more than 70% of your list of qualities in either column, work at redistributing the list to around 60/40% or 40/60%.

In the long run, neither being overly selective or un-choosy will help you find a satisfying long-term partnership. Use your Wish List to provide a realistic basis from which to pursue and evaluate relationships.

In my next blog in this continuing series, I will discuss how to Grow Your Likability.

What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

Articles- How to Find a Companion: Blind Dates, 2/13/08

Successful Dating, 2/20/08

Quizzes- Dating: Online Screening 2/22/08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.