Dr. Coach Love's Life Coaching Tips

Relationships and Memory Conflict2

drcoachlove — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:41:17 +0000

Relationships & Communication: Memory Wars Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… In relationships, partners often have dissimilar memories. Nevertheless, remembering is a key element for relationship development and maintenance. Recalling (or forgetting) information shapes your relationship. Lasting intimate connections are built on shared memories. Forgetfulness is seldom, if ever, a relationship asset. (Even forgetting the “bad” moments can contribute to a lack of growth in the relationship.)

Consider how the following items influences our relationships when they are remembered compared to when one or both partners forget.

1. important dates

2. shared experiences

3. agreements

4. partner preferences

5. likes and dislikes

6. conversations

7. requests

Think how memories shared with your partner about the above contribute to your relationship. Recall some specifics and discuss with him or her. Follow-up with Part 3 for more ideas.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Relationships, Memory, Conflict-14 Tips

Posts- Pt1 7/01/08, Pt3 Coming Soon

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v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

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Relationships and Memory Conflict1

drcoachlove — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:58:56 +0000

Relationships & Communication: Memory Wars Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I believe I have a normal memory. Just like my coworkers and friends, I do forget some things. It is not any problem except with my wife. She seems to remember just about everything from the trivial to the complicated and important. We are both intelligent people, but her attitude toward my memory is a sore spot

between us. She gets upset and accuses me of having a bad memory— if I forget anything! We get into ridiculous debates about whether or not she actually told me something or I just forgot. Any tips to offer?

________________________________________________________________

Without getting into the science of it, in relationships most people appear to have selective memories by choice, habit, and effort, or based on natural abilities for retaining certain kinds of information. And then there are individuals who seem to have no memory lapses and consider themselves as normal.

We make jokes about elephants, steel traps, and sieves to describe our memories. We often consider memory only as an indication of whether someone was listening to us. We all know that memories are different BUT…

Frequently, to our partner, remembering events and details seems to spell the importance we place on our relationship with them.

Check back for Part 2 where the discussion will continue with tips on how to end the memory wars.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Relationships, Memory, Conflict;

Posts-Pt1- 7/01/08, Pt2- Coming Soon

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

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Communication and Nagging

drcoachlove — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:24:15 +0000

A Deal is Not Always the Deal It Seems

by Dr. Coach Love

My wife often agrees to do something and days, even weeks later, it’s still not done. I try to remind her, but that gets old and she says I nag. When I commit to something, it’s as good as done. I don’t understand why she promises and doesn’t deliver. It’s very aggravating when she breaks our deals. How can I get her to improve in this area?

________________________________________________________________

A common difference within couples is what I refer to as timetable and focus differences. For example, while you both may agree that the trash needs emptying (sometime), your idea of “soon” may not match her thoughts of when that is. Even if the stench is overwhelming to you and the trashcan runneth over, it may not be as offensive to her or really register on her attention screen. Her behavior might not actually be deal breaking. It may be a communication weed between the two of you.

The bottom line is that a deal is not always the deal you think it is when you have a different focus and lack a specific agreement on the timetable for task completion. Partners need to improve on clarifying agreements.

Frequently, incomplete and inaccurate communication produces misperception of a broken agreement. No mutually agreed timetable was actually set and priorities differed. Couples often do not share the same sense of urgency or focus, particularly with regard to household tasks and family work. Unfortunately nagging, masquerading as a reminder, takes root as a bad habit, both as the cause of and cure for a problem.

Partner 1: “Honey, you agreed you would do it!

When are you going to get it done?!”

Partner 2: “I said I would do it and I will, but not right now!

I’ll get to it later. There is no rush.”

While differences in timetable and focus/priority are frustrating to both — the “nagger and naggee,” couples can work to reduce the negative fallout from differences. Each partner has a role in creating improvement.

When couples avoid a right-and-wrong approach in their relationship and attribute conflict to individual differences, communication gains clarity and relationships thrive.

For specific ideas on how to get out of the nagging trap, check the Lists on this site for tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Stop Nagging Tips

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Communication:Word Wars2

drcoachlove — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 02:26:18 +0000

Word Wars- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…

In considering the miscommunication situation described, some readers may say, “it’s only a matter of semantics.” Well, of course! We communicate using semantics! Semantics are the meanings that we attach to words. If we do not have the same semantics as our listener (meanings for words we say and hear) then we cannot communicate. Webster is not the authority here. We are each our own authority on what we mean and understand in our communication with others.

Our words become a foreign language when our meaning is mismatched to our listener’s understanding. We miscommunicate AS A PAIR OF COMMUNICATORS when what one intends, is not what the other understands, despite any accurate recall of words used. Arguing about semantics does not improve communication, but is a sidetrack to an issue of who is right and wrong. Listening and understanding checks clarify communication.

End the word wars. Stop using words as weapons of mass destruction and distortion of communication.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Word Wars Tips; Posts- Pt1 6-7-08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Communication: Word Wars1

drcoachlove — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:45:39 +0000

Word Wars- Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I am in a relationship that can be very annoying. We will be talking about a subject again and he’ll correct me—telling me exactly what I said last time.

“No, you said, ‘blah…blah…blah’ (which happen to be almost my exact words) and that means, ’blah…blah…blah,” he says. Then I’ll say, “Well, I meant, ‘duh…duh…duh’ (using different words this time). Next he’ll insist, “No, that’s not what you meant. You can’t change your words now to get out of trouble with me. I know what you meant. Words speak for themselves.” Sometimes, we will even bring out the dictionary to prove who is right.

He thinks he knows-it-all. He doesn’t, especially when it comes to understanding me. Yet he is unusually accurate at remembering transcript-like details of conversation. He remembers words spoken (better than I do). So he thinks his interpretations of the conversations are always correct. They aren’t. I feel like he tries to attack me with my own words. We get into a verbal war. How can I make myself understood when he’s great at remembering what I said, but not catching what I meant?

________________________________________________________________

Similar to a photographic memory where an individual records an experience visually, your friend seems to have an audio graphic memory. He records auditory experiences for later playback. This memory type is an asset, but not as a way to tell someone else, what they meant to say.

Recall of exact words is useful to figure out how communication went wrong. By remembering what specific words were used, you have the best chance to understand how those words hold different meanings for each of you. When both of you learn how to use this particular communication strength to your relationship advantage (and not as a right-wrong weapon), your communication pattern will improve dramatically.

At this point, you are stuck in “WORD WARS.” In word wars, there is always defeat for one participant and “defeat disguised as victory” for the other. Communication has been unsuccessful for both when you argue about what the other meant. You become bogged down in battling out a word wars process and never get through to the content or meaning of the conversation.

It is necessary to have a communication process that works in order to relate effectively. Check out Part 2 where I will offer more tips. Until then…

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Word Wars Tips; Posts- Pt2 6-12-08

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Marriage:Controlling Partners3

drcoachlove — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:58:49 +0000

Marriage- Being Controlling: Never Give Up, Never Give In- Part 3

Continuing from Parts 1 & 2… There are many ways to handle disagreements and differences of opinion in marriages. It is important that the resolution of the issue reflects the rights and opinions of both partners. Before you “give away” your vote on a decision, remember 3 things:

1. Keep a positive power attitude. Bad attitudes defeat the purpose.

You are making a choice. You are not being controlled, giving up,

or giving in.

2. Search for a “quid pro quo”; that is, a negotiated trade. Is there

another decision you really want made instead– that could be

exchanged ?

3. Explore whether an appropriate (apples for apples) compromise is available. For example: not pizza or burgers, but chicken; two weeks instead of one or three; spend $1000 rather than nothing or $2000).

I am not suggesting that couples keep exact scores on who “gets their way.” Ideally, marital decisions would suit both partners equally. But that will not always be the case. That is why it becomes important to create a mutually understood history of what really went down during decision-making.

A split reality (giving up versus agreement) triggers misperception and can create a controlling relationship or the appearance of one. Increase your awareness and build a shared reality with your partner.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Marriage: Being Controlling

Posts- Pt1 5-25-08, Pt2 5-31-08;

Quizzes-Marriage Giving

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

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Marriage:Controlling Partners2

drcoachlove — Sat, 31 May 2008 15:59:53 +0000

Marriage- Being Controlling: Never Give Up, Never Give In- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing … in Part 1, I described how a controlling relationship or the appearance of control can develop in a marriage. It takes both partners to create this dynamic. Miscommunication can be the primary cause.

Consider these relationship coaching tips to help you avoid this communication weed before it overruns the garden of your relationship.

ü Understand, compare, and contrast your family backgrounds dealing with interpersonal differences.

ü Do not let your disagreement be misread. Do not misread your partner’s disagreement with you.

ü At the settlement of each issue, compare beliefs. Be clear as to whether there was agreement, compromise, or one disagreed and “gave away’ his/her vote for settlement purposes. Keep the record straight.

ü Give away your vote in a collaborative spirit. Establish a shared memory of decision-making. Avoid a controlling dynamic in your relationship to preserve a partnership of equals.

Before you “give away” your vote on a decision, there are things to consider to preserve your rights and life satisfaction. Review the quiz and list noted below.

Check back for Part 3.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Marriage: Being Controlling;

Posts- Pt1 5-25-08, Pt3 6-03-08;

Quizzes- Marriage Giving

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

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Marriage:Controlling Partners1

drcoachlove — Sun, 25 May 2008 14:57:06 +0000

Marriage- Being Controlling: Never Give Up, Never Give In- Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

We’ve been married a short while. Already we have discovered a problem. I feel I’m always giving up on what I want and he’s getting his way. I didn’t bring it up until recently during an argument when he called me controlling. He said he was giving in to what I wanted. How can two people feel controlled by each other at the same time?

________________________________________________________________

A mutual perception of feeling controlled remains a common phenomenon. Too often, it takes couples 20+ years to recognize this emotionally stubborn build up and seek professional support to correct the communication distortion. The bottom line is: never give up,

never give in — give away.

Misperception or development of a control pattern frequently begins because partners want to be nice, avoid an argument, or are convinced that they are right. Positive intentions or not, controlling relationships do not appear spontaneously overnight. The pattern evolves over time. That’s why early intervention can be quickly successful.

Complicated factors of upbringing and personality muddy the waters as to how controlling relationships develop. You are wise to spot and correct this problem early in you marriage.

The pattern tends to worsen quickly.

When there are differences of opinion, partners vary in willingness and comfort level over engaging in or avoiding conflict. Particular people are more effective arguers, while others tend to be people pleasers. Perhaps one or both grew up in households where loud voices and lively disagreements were the acceptable norm or by contrast, differences of opinion always became grossly unpleasant (or abusive).

In some families, members will do almost anything to keep the peace and quickly give up or give in to avoid conflict and restore peace. Meanwhile, the opposite pattern is to do almost anything to win or be declared right. But either of these practices has little chance, if any, of leading to a healthy relationship. These patterns typically lead to a controlling relationship. Both partners contribute to the pattern.

Do you recognize what you are doing? Check back for Part 2, where I continue the discussion with tips on not giving in or giving up—but learning to give away.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Marriage: Being Controlling;

Posts-Pt2 5-31-08, Pt3 6-03-08;

Quizzes-Marriage Giving

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Parenting: Under Age Drinking4

drcoachlove — Fri, 23 May 2008 13:27:07 +0000

Parenting: How to Deal with Teen Drinking- Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing… In Part 1, I introduced a 3 stage-parenting model for the prevention of underage drinking. In Parts 2&3, I described education and prevention. Intervention is the third stage.

In an ideal world and under ideal circumstances, no one who shouldn’t drink would drink. Unfortunately, this ideal is realistic. Chemical dependency/alcoholism is a genuine problem and despite the best efforts of parents, there are many under age drinkers.

Parents must continue to invest time and steady work with education and prevention, but if their children still choose to drink, effective intervention strategies are necessary to hopefully steer teens back on course. However, at a minimum, parents can use intervention strategies to reduce the risk of death and long-term injury to their children who may persist in drinking inspite of parentally imposed, legal or natural consequences.

Here are 7 basic intervention tips to consider:

1. Seek professional services

2. Check out Al-Anon

3. Understand your teen

4. Open dialogue

5. Implement consequences

6. Remain persistent

7. Role model

For details on these tips, review the list on this site:

7 Intervention Tips for Underage Drinking.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- 9 Prevention Tips for Under Age Drinking,

7 Intervention Tips for Under Age Drinking;

Posts-Pt1 5-13-05, Pt2 5-18-08, Pt3 5-19-08;

Quizzes- Underage Drinking & Teen Drinking Choices

v I invite your comments below.

v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.