I work 40+ hours per week and my wife works part time. Our three young kids keep us busy. Any weekday that we do not have lessons or sports activities scheduled, I am tired and like to veg out. The kids are still full of energy. They want to ride bikes, walk, play catch, or other high energy activities with me. I want to chill out on the couch with them. And, I have to admit, often I want to just disappear in my office alone and play on the computer. Suggestions, please?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

With the hectic schedules of many families with young children, balancing casual family time with parents’ weekday fatigue can be a problem. Without changing job demands or cutting back on sports and other scheduled activities, you can learn to build slips of quality time with your children into the work week. 

When it comes to casual hanging out with your children, just because you want to chill and you are the dad, your choice should not rule— nor should theirs. Avoid displaying to your children what can appear to be a stubborn attitude “if we can’t play my way, I won’t play at all”. This challenge presents an excellent opportunity to teach your children collaboration and compromise.   

Here are seven parent coaching tips that may work for you and also teach valuable life lessons, depending on your children and their ages:

1. coin toss: Winner chooses

2. either/ or OPTION: Give them the choice of two activities both of which are acceptable to you. For example – ride bikes for 30 minutes or cuddle on the couch with their favorite book (or show) and chill for one hour.

3. RAIN CHECKS: When you are simply too tapped out, give them a paper ‘rain check’ for time together with them. Put a  ‘redeemable- before’ date on it so you are not tempted to keep stalling and seem to break a promise to your children.

4. playtime jar: Fill a jar with slips containing activities at different energy levels OR have both a high and low activity jar. You pick the jar from which they choose. Make sure to include their preferred activities in it—all with your OK.

5. homework and play: Agree that when homework is done by a specified time, there will 15 minutes of play with Dad.

6. Family play/game night: Establish a regular weekday time slot.

7. family projects: Have an ongoing activity that can be done together in short blocks of time. Examples— working a puzzle, alternate reading a book chapter, or learning via watching a multipart educational series together, such as National Geographic. 

Be creative. You can design unlimited ways to casually plan weekday time with your children. Fathers are very important to their children in ways unique from mothers. 

What do you think? Work on developing your own options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

This is Part 6 in a series of tips for guys who are dating again after divorce. If you are looking only for casual sex, then these tips may not be for you. But if you’re looking to develop a long-term relationship (including emotional and sexual intimacy) the best tip is to prepare yourself ahead of time. If your dating skills are weak or rusty, or just straight up in need of polishing, go back and review the first four tips here http://www.familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/vii-dating-and-relationships/ and then continue. 

Here is a quick summary of Tips #1-4 to follow— before you go out to meet women or on a date: 

1. Focus on good grooming. (More important than—and not as simple as—you may think.)

2. Know your inner game: thoughts, feelings, goals, needs, and beliefs. (Think you already know? Go back and check this to be sure.)

3. Develop your wish list. (A review of this tip will help you evaluate whether your list is realistic.)

4. Grow your likeability. (Sure, you need to be yourself—your best self.) 

And now for Tip #5 to follow before you go: 

Create Confidence for the Road

1. How solid is your self esteem?

    VERY HIGH 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 VERY LOW

2. What are your strengths— what are you good at or do you like about yourself?  List at the least four items.

_____________  ______________  ________________   ________________

3. Do you have a handle on your weaknesses? How? ____________________________________________________________

4. Why do people like you? List at least four reasons or qualities. 

_____________  ______________  ________________   ________________ 

 (If the answer is no, go back and reread Tip #4 carefully.) 

5. If your friends and family had to use one positive word to describe you, what would that word most often be?______________________________

Complete the above exercise carefully and redo it as necessary until you recognize how the ‘real you’ will attract enough women to want to get to know you. Take confidence in knowing that it is true. 

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

In Parts 1 and 2, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in early behavior patterns. I described what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning. Please check back for those discussions. But how does a controlling relationship develop? Whose fault is it?

Both parties contribute to the controlling dynamic. Simply stated, the more one withdraws in silence and finds power or protection in that stance, the more likely that behavior will trigger an aggressive or controlling response from the other. And the reverse is equally true. The more one is aggressive or controlling, the more likely it is the other will withdraw. Both partners have an unmistakable impact on each other, neither of which is particularly healthy for a quality partnership. One is not to blame more than the other. Both co-create the relationship pattern. At any point, either person has the option to work for change in the dynamic (possibly enlist professional help) or exit the relationship instead of continuing to participate in the pattern and be dissatisfied.

In long-term relationships and twenty-year marriages, this controlling/passive pattern strengthens its grip on the couple. Frequently, the controlling person has no true desire to be in charge and feels trapped in the position. Commonly, the ‘control freak’ craves simple conversation and information flow from the other. They are clueless that they contribute to the lack of it. The passive individual (in trying to avoid conflict) frequently is clueless that his inaction is increasing conflict and the controlling pattern between them.

It takes two to tango in a controlling relationship. That being said (and assuming there is no violence between them), there are numerous options to begin the shift in the relationship, but again— that job is not yours as the adult child.

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

By Dr Coach Love

In Part 1, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in behavior patterns the couple establishes early in their relationship. For the details of that discussion, please read Part 1.  Here is what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning.

One person tended to routinely defer to or honor the wishes and opinions of the other to avoid a discussion about their differences—and risk an argument. Often this choice is embraced when that individual is easy-going, a people pleaser or uncomfortable with conflict. The predominant feeling is that all differences lead to conflict. In the beginning, this type of behavior is often interpreted as a favorable, considerate, and caring personality trait. Meanwhile, the other partner is initially viewed as a confident, knowledgeable, and successful decision-maker— also good traits. So it all seems to work out— in the beginning.

However, this bond between a ‘desire to please/relaxed style/conflict avoidant person’ and an ‘ opinion oriented/take charge/organized person’ sets the stage for the latter of them to become more controlling unless each learns some of the other’s behavior set— he learns to take charge more and she learns to relax more, and vice versa. If this move toward balanced learning does not occur, eventually, both people are blind to the impact of this unbalanced behavior dance on their relationship quality. In numerous repeat cycles over the years, the couple can become locked in a passive-aggressive two step partnership.

Their once positive personality traits morph into a set of repetitive negative interactions. One becomes excessively passive and gives little or no indicator of their dissatisfaction, except perhaps to withdraw, which then further convinces their partner that their “controlling” tendencies are required in order to accomplish anything effectively.  Frustration mounts and distance grows. 

What do you think? Check back for more options and discussion.

 That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 Regards,

 Dr. Coach Love

 MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr Coach Love

Throughout my teen years, my mom was a serious control freak, but did not believe she was.  I live on my own now, but my Dad and little brother still get the brunt of her controlling behavior. My brother isn’t at home much any more. My dad stays silent and walks away from Mom instead of confronting her. It does not work. She follows him and starts arguments whenever she might disagree with him. If he puts the groceries away, it’s wrong or if he stacks the papers, it’s not the way she likes it. She can really get mean to him—but there has never been violence. With people outside the immediate family, she’s not too bad and they put up with it.

Her controlling was damaging to my relationship with her when I lived at home and now I think it’s hurting their marriage. I can stay away or leave if she tries to control me, but Dad is stuck with her. I know he really can’t tolerate her much anymore. Mom must be worn out. How can I help?

_________________________________________________________________

First, your concern for your parents is understandable. But let me suggest that your responsibility begins and ends with your relationship to your mother and how you handle it. Your responsibility is to understand the impact of growing up in that controlling marital dynamic and manage how it affects your adult partnerships. The marital relationship issues between your parents are for them to tackle— or not.

That said— here are ideas to consider about controlling behavior in a relationship. Levels of controlling behavior (and our other bad behavior) commonly vary among relationship groups. Individuals outside of our intimate circle of friends and family hold a ready-made exit card and we know it.  Many of our friendships are ‘boundary contingent’ and not based on ‘anything goes’. Bad behavior in a relationship does not sit well with too many people. Although they may care about us, we know our friends are not stuck with us. This reality is what often keeps the level of controlling (and other) behavior in check. They will only put up with so much from us. If we cross over that boundary, the friendship will likely collapse.

Boundary setting can be more difficult to recognize and enforce within close connections. In marriage and other intimate partnerships (also within family systems), the commitment level and unconditional love create different lines for what feels controlling.  With couples in particular, what starts as positive interpersonal differences can evolve into destructive, habitual sequences. What appears to be a controlling relationship, likely has roots in the couple’s history. A precursor pattern of a dominant/passive couple dance emerged early in the relationship.

What do you think? Check back for more discussions and options for change. In Part 2, I will describe what that precursor pattern may have looked like in a relationship 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

NOTE: If you are in a controlling relationship where there is any violence, please seek immediate support, along with legal, medical and counseling assistance.

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 ©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1-5, I suggested that your family is experiencing a conflict of rights and asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. I reflected that it is not a simple either/or question of whether your son has the right to pierce or you have a higher order right as parents/homeowners to enforce house rules. You have a clash challenging the health of your relationship. I offered 11 potential outcomes to review before approaching the relationship crossroads on this issue. 

At this point, take some time with your spouse to review these 5 decision possibilities and custom create other decisions. Consider the following coaching tips, which are aligned with each of the five decisions. Here are the first two. 

1. You both decide to let go of the issue.

• You both have decided that despite your concerns about or distaste for tongue piercing, this may not be a battleground worth entering. You feel that his insistence is a typical adolescent developmental pattern. Piercing is a right of passage for him. You know that every generation has had rights of passage to which parents vigorously objected. You recognize that this legitimate value difference could result in destructive family conflict or cutoff. 

• If this is the case for you, then it just does not make sense for you to attempt to impose your values on him. From this position, you can firmly discuss your objections and concerns. Express support for what you believe is healthy. Then let the issue go. 

However, if either one of you cannot let it go, consider this next tip. 

2. Only one of you can let the piercing issue go. 

• Since you both do not agree on choosing “tongue piercing” as a battle to fight and a reason to put your son out of your house, this family conflict takes on another dimension: your rights versus those of your husband’s. 

• Do not let this become a marriage divider.  Resolve the conflict between the two of you before you attempt to deal with the issue with your son.  If you and your spouse cannot reach a joint position or solid compromise, consider seeking the professional assistance of a qualified marriage and family therapist. 

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

by Dr. Coach Love

This is a continuation of a multipart discussion of the challenges of parenting teenagers. For maximum benefit of this discussion, please go review Parts 1-4.

As parents, you do not have to like, agree with, or support your son’s choices.  However, reflect on the stubborn example you are setting for your adolescent, who is at the age appropriate developmental stage for asserting independence and posing resistance to your directives.  While appropriate to have house rules, do not confuse issues.  Because a rule represents your opinion/value, it does not automatically make those rules fair to enforce with your adolescent.  Like you, he has rights as well as opinions and values. 

Consider this analogy.  You are driving toward an intersection.  You have a green light—the right-of-way.  You notice a vehicle approaching from your right.  The vehicle appears to be headed through the red light at that same intersection. Would you continue through and risk a collision just because you had the ‘right’?  Likely not.

Exercising your ‘right’ as a homeowner/parent to insure certain conditions in your home may not always produce the results you desire. For instance, you may not choose adults as friends and invite them into your home because they make an undesirable appearance— long hair, body piercing, tattoos, etc. But will you/should you throw your teenager out of the house because of an appearance issue, which is undesirable to you?  You already know and love your teen. Doesn’t that override any appearance issue? 

You and your son are headed toward the same intersection. Both think you have the green light or perceive that the other is going through a yellow/red light. The difference is that you are the adult and expected to make a better decision about avoiding the crash. (I typically hold parents to a higher level of responsibility to prevent such “collisions”).  Consider the widest panorama of consequences to your son, your family relationships, and yourself as you decide whether to press your right to enforce a house rule against piercing. 

Finally, it is not actually a question of whether he has the right to get pierced or whether you have a higher order right as a parent/homeowner to enforce house rules of your choosing.  This issue is not that simple. You have a clash.  The health of your relationship is at stake. Be sure to look in all directions before approaching the relationship intersection on this issue.

In Part 6, I will offer additional relationship coaching tips for you to consider – whether you decide to let the issue go or pursue enforcement.                   

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love 

The holidays have become stressful for me. I would rather enjoy the holidays, but can’t figure out how to beat the blues. Everybody seems to have difficult relatives and so do I. things always seem to not turn out as planned. So how does anybody ever enjoy the holidays?  Can we beat holiday blues to enjoy this season more? What is the source of all that stress anyway?_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Stress. We feel it. Sometimes we even need it. Holiday stress is anywhere you find it— in the broken heirloom tree ornaments or china, lumpy gravy, difficult relatives, not enough help with preparation, frustration with seasonal commercialization, tightly budgeted presents that may disappoint, multiple conflicting family invitations, reminders of our loneliness or disconnection, and the special loved ones not present to celebrate with us. We can also feel stressed without identifying a cause. 

The key is to fully own our stress. Through that embrace, while we cannot control external stressors or avoid stressful thoughts, we can turn our stress thoughts into our best thoughts and action. 

Here are some ideas:

1. Place that ornament and plate broken into 1 million pieces on the floor into a zippered plastic bag. Retell the story for years of its origin and specialness.

2. Donate to charities and homeless shelters in place of gifts to friends and families. Volunteer your time for a worthy cause.

3. Form a volunteer committee and delegate preparation chores for the family get together.

4. Surprise that “difficult relative” with a special and unexpected mystery present this year. Or just give them the space they need to be difficult— without you involved. Just breathe and let them go.

5. Create playful traditions around good gravy/ bad gravy tales for the young to retell for generations.

6. Honor the dear departed relatives or the family soldier overseas through sharing wonderful best memories of that person through storytelling rituals.

7. Translate holiday stress and blues into a time of connection and renewed communication. E-mail, text, and free long distance calling certainly make it more doable. 

Turn your stress inside out this year. You will find a nugget of golden opportunities for warmth and connection.

What do you think? 

 That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr. Coach Love

My three children, now young adults, kept secrets from me—I think. They were raised in a strict environment with more control than their friends. They did not like the control, but we had a good family life. In recent years, lots of stories have come out about their clandestine teen behaviors. It is scary to think of their risky behavior. My oldest daughter and her husband have recently announced that they plan not to have children. They will not say why. Why would they want to be childless? I am really confused and upset about this. Could it be because of some secrets or trauma from their childhood—not yet revealed?

_________________________________________________________________

While I do not have an answer to your specific question about them, a decision not to have children is not necessarily rooted in any childhood trauma or made because of troublesome secrets— those of your daughter or her husband. There are, as well, many individually well thought out reasons to not have or raise children. 

Couples who choose to be child-free, may do so to preserve a certain type of lifestyle and marriage. Along with the joy and fulfillment many parents feel, children in a family alter leisure time, development of career goals, individual freedoms, economics, and the intimacy of a marriage. Adults decide on their role in and contribution to society. Although not necessarily unwanted, many children are conceived either as ‘unplanned’ or a ’surprise’ to their parents. Making a joint conscious choice with an advance plan to have or not have children is a healthy relationship move. 

You may never get the answer you seek. There may be undisclosed medical fertility challenges with adoption not an option for them. Your daughter and her husband are certainly entitled to keep their thinking and feelings private—just between them. They do not owe you or anyone else an explanation. What is significant, despite your puzzlement and disappointment, is that they have discussed this critical marriage issue and reached an agreement.  And in all cases, past secrets are just that— until or unless the keeper(s) decides to share. 

Going forward in your relationship with them, respecting the life they have chosen, will serve you better in the long run instead of trying to swim upstream into the past zone of privacy they have established. 

What do you think?  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

By Dr Coach Love 

I love my wife— but she is bossy. How can I get along better with her?_________________________________________________________________

 Bossy means different things to different people. Depending on what ‘type’ of bossy you see your wife as being, there are different ways to improve your reaction to her. I identify six basic types of behavior that may come across as bossy— especially in intimate partnerships. 

The six behaviors commonly perceived as bossy (controlling/ butinsky) are:

______1. Always trying to be helpful.

______2. Insisting they have the best answer/way to do something.

______3. Pushing you to consider all options.

______4. Interrupting you and being outspoken by nature.

______5. Needing to prove they are smarter than you.

______6. Feeling driven to be in control and right. 

Review the list and mark:

•  (0) by the characteristics that do not describe your wife

•  (+) next to the descriptions that apply sometimes

• (++) for the items that often fit how you see your wife. 

Evaluate your responses and identify which characteristics are more descriptive of your wife. See if there is a pattern. There are two main clusters of characteristics and, of course, a mixture of the two. 

Cluster A (1, 3, 4) 

IF you perceive that your wife tends to be—

• overly  helpful

• a brainstormer

• simply talkative 

—she may be less bossy than she appears to be. 

Persons with this cluster of traits often do not realize how they are coming across to others. They have the best of intentions and do not feel like they should be quiet about it. They feel obligated to help and share what they know. Similarly, your wife may be more focused on what she can do, rather than on any negative reflection on your capability. This reflects more on her beliefs about her skills than your deficits. 

Cluster B (2, 5, 6) 

If types #2, #5, and #6, seem more descriptive of your wife, these characteristics may seem more reflective of her higher opinion of herself and lower reflection on you. She may deny that she is bossy and only that she is helpful. 

Cluster AB/BA 

This reflects a mix of characteristics where either A is more dominant or B is— but both are descriptive to some extent. 

All clusters signal the need for better boundaries. If your wife seems to be Cluster A predominantly, politely acknowledging her intent to be helpful, and ‘thank you’ but you do not need more suggestions, or letting her know in advance that you are not seeking feedback— may help you set better boundaries with her. Be clear about your expectations. 

Setting boundaries and not getting stuck with Cluster B individuals can be more challenging. You can begin with the suggestions for Cluster A  and then become more assertive if you are not initially successful. Statements like, “I guess we see it differently”, “we have different opinions”, “my way will work for me”, “there’s always more than one way to do something”, and the like are firmer efforts to set boundaries. 

Remember: even though it seems to you she acts like she’s smarter or you are dumb, she may not intend to communicate those sentiments. Resist the pull to become angry and behave like an insulted person often does: do not withdraw or begin/join in an argument. Instead work on clarifying her intent and expressing how she comes across to you using a discussion (not argumentative) format. 

Ignoring your wife, using silence, rudeness or control to control a bossy person generally escalates the situation. Sometimes excusing yourself and walking away with one-way closure may be your only option. And as always, seek professional help if you are unable to resolve or tolerate your situation.

What do you think?  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.   

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.