Happy Forever Marriage

Happy Forever Marriage

by Dr. Coach Love

   

What does it take a couple to stay happily together forever? Is it the piece of paper? Is it a love or family commitment? But notice– I used the word “happily.”  When couples announce that they’ve been married for 25 years (or more), I make no assumptions.  I wonder (sometimes even aloud) — are they whining or bragging?

 

Neither marriage nor love is enough to sustain a satisfying relationship. Different values/morals about marriage and commitment exist. And there are a multitude of definitions and expressions of love.

 

I believe that a loving marriage or relationship thrives forever when it is built on honesty, respect, fairness, flexibility, and emotional expressiveness. Subtract any one of these 5 characteristics, and the relationship becomes weaker and less satisfying. Love often will also diminish over time when these five factors are not consistently present.

 

• Honesty is probably the closest thing to a universally accepted ingredient for happy relationships. But in reality, many folks find it difficult or impossible to practice what they believe.  The theme of honesty is played out in relationships through boundaries, secrets, and privacy.  In “Secrets and Boundaries in Marriage,” I explore the differences among these three relationship characteristics.  (Check this out in “Articles.”)

 

• Respect is related to whether we judge our partner. We are disrespectful when we judge their differences by persistent criticisms, arguments, and/or controlling behavior. This pattern is usually destructive to the couple bond. Couples who  honor and acknowledge their differences demonstrate respect. When both possible and desirable, mutually working to resolve differences can also remain respectful. 

 

• Fairness in relationships requires getting beyond stereotypic gender assumptions.  When couples mindlessly perform roles, rules, and tasks in a relationship without discussion and agreement, unfairness can emerge as a disruptive factor. Relationships frequently deteriorate when there is a perceived unfair distribution of parenting, economic, and household tasks, which I refer to collectively as “family work.” Open discussion on division of family work must be clear and ongoing to produce fairness.

 

• Flexibility is achieved through regularly addressing the state of the marital union. Make this practice a priority.  To ensure flexibility, review marital satisfaction regularly, not just once annually in January. Traditions are great, but transitions to accommodate change are essential.                                                                                                                                                                            
• Emotional expressiveness is the intimate glue of relationships. Commonly, emotional/physical intimacy is a featured attraction of marriages and committed relationships.  Not only do couples need to share thinking, but also exchange a full range of emotions to build a close relationship that endures. 

• •  With regard to love, there are distinctive differences in how individuals feel loved and express love.  Frequently, people who come together are mismatched based on these dimensions of love; even though they declare love for one another. How valuable is declared love to you if you do not feel it or see it? Too many people will say, “yes, I know he/she loves me but…”

  

If living happily together forever with your loving partner is your goal, make it a priority. Look to the big Formula 5 for a happy forever marriage: honesty, respect, fairness, flexibility, and emotional expressiveness. 

 

 

 

MORE INFO LINKS: Quizzes- Marital Check-Up #1, Marital Check-Up #2; Reflections- Unconditional Love

 

 

        ©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.                               Contact  DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com  for permissions.