Successful Dating
by Dr. Coach Love
First, a date is a date is a date. And just a date, unless of course you’re on a mad frantic search for a partner. If that is the case, you need to slow down. Stop listening to the tick of that clock or those tricky male urges. You may trigger an unpleasant alarm in the other person.
Pay attention to what you ask, tell, and answer. Conversation needs to be geared to the amount of attachment between people. When you meet someone and get together, there are 3 Stages of Attachment (SOA): 1. dating, 2. relationship, and 3. partnership.
There is important work to be done in the dating stage. Skipping it can be an important mistake. Be sure that you have some attachment that works before moving to the next stage.
What kind of attachment is dating? When is a date successful? Here’s a way to understand the process.
There are 5 goals for a successful date called A SELF. What you discuss on first dates should focus on accomplishment of all 5 goals. Be cautious, of course, about how personal the level of conversation becomes.
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Successful dating requires A SELF: 1. Action. 2. Safety; 3. Engagement; 4. Learning: and 5. Fun.
1. ACTION: Put yourself out there and take the reasonable risks, which come with meeting someone new. (You don’t normally meet someone waiting in your kitchen, unless it’s the proverbial worker with an exposed crack.) Nothing happens if you do not act.
2. SAFETY: Practice routine measures to keep your self physically safe, guard your privacy, and preserve your financial security. (Trust your gut. If you compromise yourself in any way to be with this date, you are not successful!)
3. ENGAGEMENT: Be yourself. Do not try to guess what he/she is looking for in a person. Do not fake it. If no genuine match, move on to the next date. (If you want to be an actor, audition for the big-screen. Or go on YouTube. It’s easier.)
4. LEARNING: Learn about yourself; how you are perceived, what you like and dislike. Or maybe explore a particular topic– sports, music, architecture, or the like. Be aware of how personal you are and your date is. (Perhaps you learn you are allergic to poached ostrich. You are rushed to the hospital with hives.)
5. FUN: Enjoy yourself. (You do remember what that is?)
You flunk dating when you either fail to take any action or put yourself at risk if you do.
You earn an C+ when, at a minimum, you take action and remain safe on your date. You either learn something or just have fun, but you may or may not date this person again. A successful first date may not lead to a second date if you are “not that much into each other.”
You arn an A+ when you meet all 5 of the objectives listed above on any date– even if you never meet again. The encounter, as a date, was a success; but not necessarily a springboard for a deeper attachment, such as relationship or partnership.
After a series of dating encounters where both individuals perceive sufficient success based on the A SELF dating rules, if both agree, the couple may advance to the relationship stage of attachment.
So while you need A SELF for satisfying dating, at the relationship stage, people also need A SOFA for success. If the stage of attachment increases into partnership, A PROBE is needed. These acronyms also provide important understanding into stages of attachment. Look for them in future articles.
When you keep these dating rules in mind, you will gain confidence and skill in designing a successful dating experience.
MORE INFO LINKS: Articles- Dating; Blind Dates; Quizzes- Dating Online Screening
© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.
Contact DrCoachLove@Centurytel.net for permissions.
