Jealousy and Lying in Relationships Part 1
by Dr. Coach Love
I have been in a monogamous relationship for about six months. My boyfriend and I live together although he is not yet divorced. He and his wife have a child together. I had plans last weekend and did not go with him to his guy friend’s birthday party. Because he’d be drinking, I knew he was staying overnight. The next day, something didn’t seem right but I was afraid to ask about it. I checked his phone without permission, but didn’t know what I was looking for and didn’t find anything. Feeling guilty, I confessed to him that I checked his phone and he was very upset.
Then I asked him if anything did happen at the party, and he admitted that when he returned his son to his wife before the party, she had a sitter and was ready to go out on her own. His wife knew the birthday guy, too, so he just invited her to go. He didn’t want me to get upset so he didn’t tell me. They are just friends, he says. I think he lied to me, and he’s angry because he thinks I was invading his privacy. How do we work around this kind of stuff?
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The fact that the two of you got together before his marriage ended officially, creates disadvantages for a healthy start to your new relationship—there are definitely built-in hurdles to jump.
With the incident you describe, clearly you both did exactly the same thing— avoided communication for fear of conflict and upsetting the other. Call it whatever—egg shells, concern, lies, cheating, sneakiness, jealousy, distrust or privacy— you failed to be open with each other. You either take the risk of emotional vulnerability or risk a failed relationship.
At the surface, this avoidance motive may seem to be protective or not-boat-rocking; however, choices of this nature will not move your relationship in an intimate direction.
When you avoid communication in ways like this, you miss 4 critical learning opportunities. Check back next time when I explain what they are.
What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
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