Mom is a Control Freak: How Can I Help Dad?-Part 3
By Dr. Coach Love
In Parts 1 and 2, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in early behavior patterns. I described what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning. Please check back for those discussions. But how does a controlling relationship develop? Whose fault is it?
Both parties contribute to the controlling dynamic. Simply stated, the more one withdraws in silence and finds power or protection in that stance, the more likely that behavior will trigger an aggressive or controlling response from the other. And the reverse is equally true. The more one is aggressive or controlling, the more likely it is the other will withdraw. Both partners have an unmistakable impact on each other, neither of which is particularly healthy for a quality partnership. One is not to blame more than the other. Both co-create the relationship pattern. At any point, either person has the option to work for change in the dynamic (possibly enlist professional help) or exit the relationship instead of continuing to participate in the pattern and be dissatisfied.
In long-term relationships and twenty-year marriages, this controlling/passive pattern strengthens its grip on the couple. Frequently, the controlling person has no true desire to be in charge and feels trapped in the position. Commonly, the ‘control freak’ craves simple conversation and information flow from the other. They are clueless that they contribute to the lack of it. The passive individual (in trying to avoid conflict) frequently is clueless that his inaction is increasing conflict and the controlling pattern between them.
It takes two to tango in a controlling relationship. That being said (and assuming there is no violence between them), there are numerous options to begin the shift in the relationship, but again— that job is not yours as the adult child.
What do you think? Check back for more options.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
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Posted by drcoachlove on Sunday, February 14 , 2010 in arguments, Communication, Control freaks, Family, feelings, Marriage, Relationships and tagged arguing, bossy husband, Communication, Control freak, dominating partner, nag, problem marriage.
