Sex Life Suffers Due to Confrontational Wife
by Dr. Coach Love
My wife and I struggle when we disagree because she gets confrontational. When we are fighting, our love life falls apart. We don’t have sex. It seems like she holds out when she’s mad at me. I can’t stand it. I’m lower key. I try to be patient so her arguing stops; but I also lose my patience sometimes and yell. After all I can’t hold it in forever. No matter what I do, it seems to get worse. When we are not arguing, we get along great. We just don’t know how to fight fair and end it. Any ideas?
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Many couples do not have a matched style of confrontation and have few skills for settling differences. People who are viewed as highly confrontational, ironically, are often partnered with those who admit to avoiding confrontation. Loss of a satisfying sexual relationship and basic intimacy are typical outcomes when couples cannot solve conflict. The so-called “makeup sex” which is hyped as great can only be great when issues are truly resolved.
You suggest that being lower key and more patient than your wife puts you in a superior position and that she is the problem. Don’t kid yourself.
Patience over extended
Becomes conflict avoidance.
Conflict avoidance destroys healthy sexual functioning and intimacy. From your wife’s point of view, your being too patient or ignoring confrontation is likely interpreted as you don’t:
1. Listen
2. Understand
3. Care
4. Pay attention
The confrontation level is likely to rise. In short, you are contributing to the amount of confrontation in your relationship at a level equal to your wife. Why pay back with what you don’t want from your wife? Don’t you know howyou would like to have her approach and talk to you? Chances are you do.
Since you feel your wife approaches you in a confrontational way, the pattern was probably and gradually conditioned by years of interacting with your “low key” way. She may not think she’s being confrontational—only expressing her frustration from feeling ignored by you. She’s trying to get your attention. Being low key often sends a don’t-care-not-listening-don’t-want-to-discuss-it message. You should strive to respond somewhere between confrontational and ignoring her.
Be open about your choice to change, but not preachy. Don’t expect an instant shift from her. This pattern between you has likely built up for years. Remember: if you do what you usually do-you’ll get what you usually get. The possibility of change in your marriage is created through a change in you. Start today to handle conflict successfully and a satisfying love life will return.
What do you think?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
v I invite your comments below.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.
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Posted by drcoachlove on Saturday, September 26 , 2009 in arguments, Communication, Family, feelings, Marriage, Relationships, sex and tagged arguments, conflict avoidance, confrontational's wife, healthy fighting, husband always want sex when I'm angry, makeup sex, no sex, Sex life.
