Avoiding Arguments and Fights: Is It Good? Part 1
By Dr. Coach Love
My fiancée and I are very different when it comes to talking. She wants to talk about everything, especially when we have different opinions. I don’t think that it is necessary to discuss everything, especially when we disagree. And when we discuss sexual issues….She tends to get passionate and then it turns into an argument. I hate to argue. We need to get this worked out somehow. Any suggestions?
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Nearly all couples (if not all) hold different opinions or feelings on something. The only question is whether they choose to verbally express their differences or opposition or act out on it in a more subtle or passive manner. Open sharing, understanding, and successful resolution of differences makes relationships both strong and intimate. And good for you both that you at least attempt to talk about SEX!
Family history and how your parents handled disagreement commonly sets the stage for you in your adult relationships with regard to talking. You may have a conflict resolution skills deficit— if either you never saw your parents fight or they fought ferociously. The best model parents can provide for their children is to let them observe reasonable disagreements that end up being successfully resolved. Parents can also teach excellent conflict resolution skills when they help siblings and/or friends settle their own struggles.
Five major reasons basically cover why individuals withhold expressing opposition or disagreement.
1. Avoid/hate conflict/arguments
2. Fear of hurting the other’s feelings
3. Want to please the other by giving them their way
4. Subject matter is touchy, sensitive, or uncomfortable
5. The matter is unimportant
One of these five reasons is almost always a healthy reason to sidestep expressing disagreement or a difference in the relationship. Do you know which one that is?
I will hold off on disclosing my pick until we look at each of the four reasons and its impact on the relationship in the next few blogs.
What do you think? Check back for discussion on the language couples use when they are not in agreement. Have you ever felt like you were arguing when the other person believed you were merely having a conversation?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/
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v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
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© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
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