Anger Issue or Messy Problem 1

Anger Issue or Messy Problem? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love

 

I went off on my fiancé for the third time this month for the same stupid thing— he leaves a trail of his “stuff” around the apartment. He says I have anger issues. I say he’s got a messy problem. I usually just pick up and don’t say anything for a long time— thinking he will get the hint. But he doesn’t say thank you or even seem to appreciate I pick up all his dishes, socks, trash, newspapers, etc. Eventually, I get fed up. I think I put up with a lot and he should just clean up after himself before I blowup. What can be done?

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Anger issue or messy problem— it probably is neither one. Poor communication is what‘s behind this conflict. The two of you are communicating badly about an important-to-solve difference in your personal habits.

 

You have learned that no matter how much you pick up and keep your mouth shut, he will leave more lying around. Those are his personal habits. But you still pick up after him. Why? How does cleaning up after him solve the problem? Is it his leaving stuff out that angers you? When you decide to spend your time cleaning up after him? Both? Or do you get mad only because nothing changes? Okay, I can hear you thinking, “But I just can’t stand stuff cluttering the apartment. So I have to clean it up!””

 

Your fiancé points the finger at you for your anger outbursts, while ignoring the impact his personal habits have on your comfort level. Does he see your frustration when you clean up after him or just your anger when you stop and blowup?

 

In either case, if this is a joint residence, his right to leave clutter is equal to your right not to have clutter. This issue is not about whether clutter is right or wrong. To clutter or not to clutter, is not the question and getting angry is not the solution.

 

The real question is learning how to negotiate this Routine Daily Living issue —or RDL as I call it. The real solution is to navigate the numerous RDLs in your intimate relationship. First the clutter vs. tidy, then ….. something else will (or has) come up demonstrating your RDL differences. When you learn how to work through this one about clutter vs. tidy, you will have a model or template to deal with other problem RDLs.

 

What do you think? Check back for options on how to successfully navigate RDLs.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

Quizzes-Housecleaning Wars</a>

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v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

© Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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