Being a Control Freak Kills My Relationships Part 6
By Dr. Coach Love
If you know a control freak, or think you might be one, catch up with the discussion by returning to Parts 1-5.
Here are 4 coaching tips to redirect controlling behavior and reduce it to a less toxic level.
· Increase your self-esteem.
· Decrease your anxiety.
· Learn to read social cues.
· Develop interactive social relationships.
Self-Esteem
- When a person has a healthy level of self-esteem, the need for controlling behavior is reduced. Both self-esteem and the corresponding level of self confidence protect us from fears of being wrong or criticized if we make a mistake. How’s your self-esteem?
Anxiety
- Anxiety about being wrong can also fuel controlling behavior. This goes back to the messages you carry in your head. How important is the opinion of others toward you? Ideally, we put more weight in the opinions of people with whom we have close relationships. The value we place on the opinions of strangers and others unimportant to us should naturally be much lower — or perhaps of no importance at all.
- Is that controlling person in your life also anxious? Are you anxious?
Social Cues
- Reading social cues from other people is a crucial relationship skill. Can we read how they are reading us? Do they read us correctly? This idea leads us to the strength and clarity of our communication skills.
- We read cues through spoken words, tone, body language, and various signals. When we misread social cues, or not bother to read at all, we create the risk of engaging in controlling behavior— rather than collaborative interactions.
Interactive Relationships
- People thrive in relationships where there is a smooth and healthy give and take of both effort and power. Healthy relationships are not about being in control. Often individuals who frequently engage in controlling behavior, struggle to fit in with others in social situations. Do you feel like you fit in? Are you superior? Inferior?
- When you are in control of the situation, do you feel a genuine closeness or attachment to the people around you? If you are engaging in controlling behavior, your connections to others are likely weak.
Work on the four areas above. Enlist the assistance of trusted friends and family. Have them describe the specific behaviors/habits you have they find controlling. If you know others who (are truthful but) do not find you controlling, seek their help, too. Ask if you can pick their brains on what it is about you that others find controlling— yet they do not.
No matter how long you have held the self image (or reputation) of being a control freak, you can change. Utilize the help of friends, family, and mental-health professionals as needed. You can do it!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
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