Too Much Softball- Part 4
by Dr. Coach Love
Check back for Parts 1, 2, and 3…where the discussion began about use of leisure or free time for married couples.
Extended Family (XF) and Immediate Family (IF)
Extended family (XF) and immediate family (IF) activities or visits are typical ways to spend leisure time. Your (IF) consists of spouse and children only, while your (XF) consists of your family of origin, including all your relatives.
Couples are often not identical in their relationships with their respective extended families (XF). This is no surprise. Families vary in emotional attachment level, expectations, customs, and just plain old whether they get along. The main drivers for the amount of free time married adults choose to spend with (XF) appear to be relationship quality, established customs, and geography. Other factors do play a role.
One spouse’s choices about extended family can be a confusing puzzle to the other. Adults can “feel close” to extended family, yet not feel the need for regular contact. Their type family closeness is acted out in another way.
Family cutoffs, divorces, remarriages, stepfamilies, and long-term histories of conflict and hurt feelings often privately shape the desire and need for contact with (XF). Still, traditions or expectations from parents and other elders can produce pressure for contact and attendance— beyond what the individual wants. This may create conflict for the adult married couple with their immediate family unit and customs.
He may feel obligated (or desire) to be present at every Sunday family dinner, birthday party, and holiday gathering; while she has less regular contact and feels no need or pressure for regular contact with her extended family. The reverse may be true.
Values learned as a child from complex family of origin patterns extend into immediate family (IF) values. Bottom line— he may feel that connection to extended family (XF) overlaps or trumps immediate family (IF) time. She may believe he is over attached or enmeshed with parents and values them more than her and their children. Again, the reverse pattern may also be true.
Common disagreements occur between couples over spending time with (XF). Differences in attachment to extended family have the potential to create huge conflicts. Understanding family patterns, partner respect, and negotiation can reduce stress.
The question remains: How do couples balance out use of free time when there are so many options and so little time?
Check back for discussion on the sixth type of discretionary time, “Other” (O), and tips for solving disagreements.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Use of Free Time Arguments;
Archives- 8/31/08, 9/03/08, 9/06/08, 9/15/08
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