A Deal is Not Always the Deal It Seems
by Dr. Coach Love
My wife often agrees to do something and days, even weeks later, it’s still not done. I try to remind her, but that gets old and she says I nag. When I commit to something, it’s as good as done. I don’t understand why she promises and doesn’t deliver. It’s very aggravating when she breaks our deals. How can I get her to improve in this area?
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A common difference within couples is what I refer to as timetable and focus differences. For example, while you both may agree that the trash needs emptying (sometime), your idea of “soon” may not match her thoughts of when that is. Even if the stench is overwhelming to you and the trashcan runneth over, it may not be as offensive to her or really register on her attention screen. Her behavior might not actually be deal breaking. It may be a communication weed between the two of you.
The bottom line is that a deal is not always the deal you think it is when you have a different focus and lack a specific agreement on the timetable for task completion. Partners need to improve on clarifying agreements.
Frequently, incomplete and inaccurate communication produces misperception of a broken agreement. No mutually agreed timetable was actually set and priorities differed. Couples often do not share the same sense of urgency or focus, particularly with regard to household tasks and family work. Unfortunately nagging, masquerading as a reminder, takes root as a bad habit, both as the cause of and cure for a problem.
Partner 1: “Honey, you agreed you would do it!
When are you going to get it done?!”
Partner 2: “I said I would do it and I will, but not right now!
I’ll get to it later. There is no rush.”
While differences in timetable and focus/priority are frustrating to both — the “nagger and naggee,” couples can work to reduce the negative fallout from differences. Each partner has a role in creating improvement.
When couples avoid a right-and-wrong approach in their relationship and attribute conflict to individual differences, communication gains clarity and relationships thrive.
For specific ideas on how to get out of the nagging trap, check the Lists on this site for tips.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Stop Nagging Tips
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