Marriage- Being Controlling: Never Give Up, Never Give In- Part 1
by Dr. Coach Love
We’ve been married a short while. Already we have discovered a problem. I feel I’m always giving up on what I want and he’s getting his way. I didn’t bring it up until recently during an argument when he called me controlling. He said he was giving in to what I wanted. How can two people feel controlled by each other at the same time?
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A mutual perception of feeling controlled remains a common phenomenon. Too often, it takes couples 20+ years to recognize this emotionally stubborn build up and seek professional support to correct the communication distortion. The bottom line is: never give up,
never give in — give away.
Misperception or development of a control pattern frequently begins because partners want to be nice, avoid an argument, or are convinced that they are right. Positive intentions or not, controlling relationships do not appear spontaneously overnight. The pattern evolves over time. That’s why early intervention can be quickly successful.
Complicated factors of upbringing and personality muddy the waters as to how controlling relationships develop. You are wise to spot and correct this problem early in you marriage.
The pattern tends to worsen quickly.
When there are differences of opinion, partners vary in willingness and comfort level over engaging in or avoiding conflict. Particular people are more effective arguers, while others tend to be people pleasers. Perhaps one or both grew up in households where loud voices and lively disagreements were the acceptable norm or by contrast, differences of opinion always became grossly unpleasant (or abusive).
In some families, members will do almost anything to keep the peace and quickly give up or give in to avoid conflict and restore peace. Meanwhile, the opposite pattern is to do almost anything to win or be declared right. But either of these practices has little chance, if any, of leading to a healthy relationship. These patterns typically lead to a controlling relationship. Both partners contribute to the pattern.
Do you recognize what you are doing? Check back for Part 2, where I continue the discussion with tips on not giving in or giving up—but learning to give away.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Marriage: Being Controlling;
Posts-Pt2 5-31-08, Pt3 6-03-08;
Quizzes-Marriage Giving
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© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved
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