Relationship Problem: Argument and Apology Rollercoaster
by Dr. Coach Love
I am in a serious relationship that goes dramatically up and down. We get along well on important things. Then we start to argue over something stupid, get mad, and don’t talk for days. Eventually I am always the one to apologize. She never does. Then things are great again for while until it starts all over again. What can we do to change this?
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You and your significant other are alike, but different sides of the same coin–the apology coin. Consider this: Those who always apologize are like those who never apologize. Neither gives real thought to their actions. The relationship you describe doesn’t sound balanced. Apologies by both are necessary for healthy relationships. Mistakes occur. Relationships are not perfect.
The ability to offer a healing apology is a skill, not a habit. You two may be locked into a habit pattern–you do/she doesn’t. Instead of choosing this going-nowhere relationship style, assess together your beliefs about apologies.
The type of pattern you describe is also common in abusive relationships and refers to the honeymoon dance. It’s as if you were on a wonderful honeymoon for a period, then problems arise. You can’t handle the eruption so distancing occurs. After you “kiss and make up,” the honeymoon dance begins over again.
Do you both want more stability instead of a roller coaster ride in your relationship? Work to include apology as a skill that you both have.
Do not stay stuck under the control of habit patterns that are destructive to your relationship. There may also be unproductive patterns in your argument dynamics as well. Be prepared to tackle that, too.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO: Article: 4 Types of Apology
v I invite your comments below. v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net. v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest. v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. v Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.
© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission. Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.
