Is Obedience a Good Thing? – Part 6
by Dr. Coach Love
Continuing…Consider these alternatives to a power struggle or controlling behavior over chores, curfew, and sibling relationships:
A. Compromise: Let his room be his closed-door room. You have probably taught him how to clean. It’s not a priority for him. In exchange, he agrees not to clutter other areas. (Periodic prompting may still be necessary.)
B. Negotiate: List the extras you do for him. Examples: laundry, provide cell phone, pay car insurance, prepare his meals, allow his friends to visit, loan money, provide a car/transportation and other amenities. Forget automatic entitlement to these extras. The new approach can be “When/If you _______________, I will_______________.” (Be sure not to present this as a pressure tactic. Let it be his choice.)
C. Cooperate: List his own tasks and special projects/ favors he can do for you. Allow him to take the lead to work with you when he wants a favor or a special privilege, e.g. later curfew. Your list might include wash your car, move heavy items, run errands, finish a school assignment early and the like. (Of course, not all requests/privileges would be granted.)
D. Collaborate: Sit down for a conversation as a family to develop a plan. Attentively listen. Show respect for his opinions. Make every effort to include his ideas and those of other children. (Ownership in any collaboration comes from inclusion of individual ideas.)
Realistically, these approaches are unlikely to work in the beginning. Children are trained by parents on what to expect. Old patterns die hard. Consistency is key. Parents are often generous with their time and resources while passing up multiple opportunities to teach other valuable relationship skills . Let your younger child witness the example of you remaining a calm and respectful adult. Do this even when your adolescent is not.
I hold parents to a higher standard of behavior. It is only fair. Resisting a reaction to your adolescent’s bad behavior may be a challenge—particularly for parents raised in a family environment, which was less respectful toward children. Your love for your adolescent should be unconditional. The extras you do for him can have conditions. This is a key to relationship development as an adult. Do you agree?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 2-25-08, Pt2 2-27-08, Pt3 2-26-08, 2-27-08 ,
Pt4 3-03-08, Pt5 3-04-08; Article-Parenting: Obedience and Disobedience
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v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,
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v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.
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© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.
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