Communication Weed #2:Dis-communication Part 1
by Dr. Coach Love
I love my wife but we are in a bad rut. When we are with others, she’ll get a laugh out of them by exaggerating a story about something dumb I did. Most often, I don’t find it funny to be the butt of her jokes. Sometimes the subject is so private I feel betrayed.
When I tell her I am offended, she says I just don’t have a sense of humor. On top of that, when we are alone, we often “pick at” or tease each other for routine mistakes or annoying habits. We’ve been together a long time. We plan on a future forever; but we agree we need to fix this miscommunication now before we create more damage. Suggestions?________________________________________________________________________
Effective communication is essential for a quality long-term relationship. And most couples recognize the need to improve miscommunication patterns. Miscommunication occurs when message intended is not message understood.
The communication pattern you describe is not miscommunication. It is what I call dis-communication. Dis-communication occurs when message sent is message received as disrespectful or offensive. Dis-communication is usually deliberate, not necessarily directly as an insult, but as a dig disguised as humor. (It is similar to when you “dis” someone.)
Too many long-term couples passively lapse into disrespectful communications such as a cruel teasing, nagging, or repetitive criticisms about the other’s shortcomings, flaws, and annoying habits. It can take the form of bickering.
Dis-communication is both harmful and avoidable. Negativity between spouses usually reduces relationship quality and takes effort to change. Couples stuck in a rut of dis-communication are those who bicker, pick at each other, frequently use sarcasm/criticism, and seek laughs at the other’s expense.
These types of interactions frequently betray privately shared moments, breach confidentiality, expose vulnerabilities, and create emotional rifts. Tension and irritability often increase. In addition, what can be worse, dis-communication frequently generates indifference toward each other as a defense mechanism. Indifference has no place in an intimate relationship. Do you agree?
In Part 2, I will discuss ways to break up dis-communication patterns.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt2 2-29-08, Pt3 3-02-08
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Posted by drcoachlove on Thursday, February 28 , 2008 in Communication, Marriage, Relationships and tagged Communication, conversation, couples, criticism, disrespect, embarrass, Marriage, nagging, negativity, nitpicking, nosy, Relationships, teasing.
