Insult or Affection?- Part 1
by dr. Coach Love
Due to a funny incident years ago, I gave my wife a special nickname. I’ve been affectionately calling her this pet name for about 10 years. I tried to defuse an argument yesterday by using that nickname. She became furious and told me how she’s always hated being called that, how dare I keep making fun of her, and that I should know better. I am flabbergasted. She claims she’s told me before, but gave up trying to get me to stop. How does something like this go on for so long? What can I do now?
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Your affectionate intent and her feelings of insult are not necessarily a contradiction. Both can be true. Here are common negative patterns of how communications like this can become twisted and endure for years, creating silent bad feelings. Do any of these fit the two of you?
His Pattern:
1. Misreading: He misreads her embarrassed smiles as pleasure/or misses body language.
2. Miscuing: He improperly interjects what he considers humorous at serious moments to change the subject.
3. Only teasing: He does not know when to quit. He hides behind teasing as a way of getting true negative feelings expressed.
4. Disrespecting: He ignores her sensitivity and need to settle the argument.
5. Expressing a grain of truth: He wants to slide in a zinger, but also wants to be able to back down (“I’m just kidding”), if it backfires.
Her Pattern:
1. Only hinting: She tries indirectly to get him to stop being offensive.
2. Giving up: She does not continue clarifying her objections until he listens and gets it.
3. Hiding reactions: She works to hide how he gets to her.
4. Withdrawing: She becomes silent and walks away.
5. Expecting mind reading: She thinks he should know how she feels without telling him. Nicknames and making jokes (especially during an argument) often fail to be funny to the other person.
In Part 2, I will continue with how humorous intent doesn’t make it funny. Do you agree?
So until next time…
This is my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
MOE INFO LINKS: Posts-Pt2 2-18-08
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© Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett. All rights reserved. Reprint with permission.
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