Patt H. Pickett, Ph.D. offers YOU life coaching tips for living an EXCELLENT life through Relationships, Marriage & Family. Check out the Q&A, Polls, Quizzes, Checklists, and Reflections.
Mom is a Control Freak: How Can I Help Dad?-Part 2
By Dr Coach Love
In Part 1, I described how a controlling relationship often has its innocent origins in behavior patterns the couple establishes early in their relationship. For the details of that discussion, please read Part 1. Here is what a controlling relationship may have looked like at the beginning.
One person tended to routinely defer to or honor the wishes and opinions of the other to avoid a discussion about their differences—and risk an argument. Often this choice is embraced when that individual is easy-going, a people pleaser or uncomfortable with conflict. The predominant feeling is that all differences lead to conflict. In the beginning, this type of behavior is often interpreted as a favorable, considerate, and caring personality trait. Meanwhile, the other partner is initially viewed as a confident, knowledgeable, and successful decision-maker— also good traits. So it all seems to work out— in the beginning.
However, this bond between a ‘desire to please/relaxed style/conflict avoidant person’ and an ‘ opinion oriented/take charge/organized person’ sets the stage for the latter of them to become more controlling unless each learns some of the other’s behavior set— he learns to take charge more and she learns to relax more, and vice versa. If this move toward balanced learning does not occur, eventually, both people are blind to the impact of this unbalanced behavior dance on their relationship quality. In numerous repeat cycles over the years, the couple can become locked in a passive-aggressive two step partnership.
Their once positive personality traits morph into a set of repetitive negative interactions. One becomes excessively passive and gives little or no indicator of their dissatisfaction, except perhaps to withdraw, which then further convinces their partner that their “controlling” tendencies are required in order to accomplish anything effectively. Frustration mounts and distance grows.
What do you think? Check back for more options and discussion.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Mom is a Control Freak: How Can I Help Dad?-Part 1
By Dr Coach Love
Throughout my teen years, my mom was a serious control freak, but did not believe she was. I live on my own now, but my Dad and little brother still get the brunt of her controlling behavior. My brother isn’t at home much any more. My dad stays silent and walks away from Mom instead of confronting her. It does not work. She follows him and starts arguments whenever she might disagree with him. If he puts the groceries away, it’s wrong or if he stacks the papers, it’s not the way she likes it. She can really get mean to him—but there has never been violence. With people outside the immediate family, she’s not too bad and they put up with it.
Her controlling was damaging to my relationship with her when I lived at home and now I think it’s hurting their marriage. I can stay away or leave if she tries to control me, but Dad is stuck with her. I know he really can’t tolerate her much anymore. Mom must be worn out. How can I help?
First, your concern for your parents is understandable. But let me suggest that your responsibility begins and ends with your relationship to your mother and how you handle it. Your responsibility is to understand the impact of growing up in that controlling marital dynamic and manage how it affects your adult partnerships. The marital relationship issues between your parents are for them to tackle— or not.
That said— here are ideas to consider about controlling behavior in a relationship. Levels of controlling behavior (and our other bad behavior) commonly vary among relationship groups. Individuals outside of our intimate circle of friends and family hold a ready-made exit card and we know it. Many of our friendships are ‘boundary contingent’ and not based on ‘anything goes’. Bad behavior in a relationship does not sit well with too many people. Although they may care about us, we know our friends are not stuck with us. This reality is what often keeps the level of controlling (and other) behavior in check. They will only put up with so much from us. If we cross over that boundary, the friendship will likely collapse.
Boundary setting can be more difficult to recognize and enforce within close connections. In marriage and other intimate partnerships (also within family systems), the commitment level and unconditional love create different lines for what feels controlling. With couples in particular, what starts as positive interpersonal differences can evolve into destructive, habitual sequences. What appears to be a controlling relationship, likely has roots in the couple’s history. A precursor pattern of a dominant/passive couple dance emerged early in the relationship.
What do you think? Check back for more discussions and options for change. In Part 2, I will describe what that precursor pattern may have looked like in a relationship
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
NOTE: If you are in a controlling relationship where there is any violence, please seek immediate support, along with legal, medical and counseling assistance.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 6
by Dr. Coach Love
In Parts 1-5, I suggested that your family is experiencing a conflict of rights and asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. I reflected that it is not a simple either/or question of whether your son has the right to pierce or you have a higher order right as parents/homeowners to enforce house rules. You have a clash challenging the health of your relationship. I offered 11 potential outcomes to review before approaching the relationship crossroads on this issue.
At this point, take some time with your spouse to review these 5 decision possibilities and custom create other decisions. Consider the following coaching tips, which are aligned with each of the five decisions. Here are the first two.
1. You both decide to let go of the issue.
You both have decided that despite your concerns about or distaste for tongue piercing, this may not be a battleground worth entering. You feel that his insistence is a typical adolescent developmental pattern. Piercing is a right of passage for him. You know that every generation has had rights of passage to which parents vigorously objected. You recognize that this legitimate value difference could result in destructive family conflict or cutoff.
If this is the case for you, then it just does not make sense for you to attempt to impose your values on him. From this position, you can firmly discuss your objections and concerns. Express support for what you believe is healthy. Then let the issue go.
However, if either one of you cannot let it go, consider this next tip.
2. Only one of you can let the piercing issue go.
Since you both do not agree on choosing “tongue piercing” as a battle to fight and a reason to put your son out of your house, this family conflict takes on another dimension: your rights versus those of your husband’s.
Do not let this become a marriage divider. Resolve the conflict between the two of you before you attempt to deal with the issue with your son. If you and your spouse cannot reach a joint position or solid compromise, consider seeking the professional assistance of a qualified marriage and family therapist.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 5
by Dr. Coach Love
This is a continuation of a multipart discussion of the challenges of parenting teenagers. For maximum benefit of this discussion, please go review Parts 1-4.
As parents, you do not have to like, agree with, or support your son’s choices. However, reflect on the stubborn example you are setting for your adolescent, who is at the age appropriate developmental stage for asserting independence and posing resistance to your directives. While appropriate to have house rules, do not confuse issues. Because a rule represents your opinion/value, it does not automatically make those rules fair to enforce with your adolescent. Like you, he has rights as well as opinions and values.
Consider this analogy. You are driving toward an intersection. You have a green light—the right-of-way. You notice a vehicle approaching from your right. The vehicle appears to be headed through the red light at that same intersection. Would you continue through and risk a collision just because you had the ‘right’? Likely not.
Exercising your ‘right’ as a homeowner/parent to insure certain conditions in your home may not always produce the results you desire. For instance, you may not choose adults as friends and invite them into your home because they make an undesirable appearance— long hair, body piercing, tattoos, etc. But will you/should you throw your teenager out of the house because of an appearance issue, which is undesirable to you? You already know and love your teen. Doesn’t that override any appearance issue?
You and your son are headed toward the same intersection. Both think you have the green light or perceive that the other is going through a yellow/red light. The difference is that you are the adult and expected to make a better decision about avoiding the crash. (I typically hold parents to a higher level of responsibility to prevent such “collisions”). Consider the widest panorama of consequences to your son, your family relationships, and yourself as you decide whether to press your right to enforce a house rule against piercing.
Finally, it is not actually a question of whether he has the right to get pierced or whether you have a higher order right as a parent/homeowner to enforce house rules of your choosing. This issue is not that simple. You have a clash. The health of your relationship is at stake. Be sure to look in all directions before approaching the relationship intersection on this issue.
In Part 6, I will offer additional relationship coaching tips for you to consider – whether you decide to let the issue go or pursue enforcement.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
The holidays have become stressful for me. I would rather enjoy the holidays, but can’t figure out how to beat the blues. Everybody seems to have difficult relatives and so do I. things always seem to not turn out as planned. So how does anybody ever enjoy the holidays? Can we beat holiday blues to enjoy this season more? What is the source of all that stress anyway?_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Stress. We feel it. Sometimes we even need it. Holiday stress is anywhere you find it— in the broken heirloom tree ornaments or china, lumpy gravy, difficult relatives, not enough help with preparation, frustration with seasonal commercialization, tightly budgeted presents that may disappoint, multiple conflicting family invitations, reminders of our loneliness or disconnection, and the special loved ones not present to celebrate with us. We can also feel stressed without identifying a cause.
The key is to fully own our stress. Through that embrace, while we cannot control external stressors or avoid stressful thoughts, we can turn our stress thoughts into our best thoughts and action.
Here are some ideas:
Place that ornament and plate broken into 1 million pieces on the floor into a zippered plastic bag. Retell the story for years of its origin and specialness.
Donate to charities and homeless shelters in place of gifts to friends and families. Volunteer your time for a worthy cause.
Form a volunteer committee and delegate preparation chores for the family get together.
Surprise that “difficult relative” with a special and unexpected mystery present this year. Or just give them the space they need to be difficult— without you involved. Just breathe and let them go.
Create playful traditions around good gravy/ bad gravy tales for the young to retell for generations.
Honor the dear departed relatives or the family soldier overseas through sharing wonderful best memories of that person through storytelling rituals.
Translate holiday stress and blues into a time of connection and renewed communication. E-mail, text, and free long distance calling certainly make it more doable.
Turn your stress inside out this year. You will find a nugget of golden opportunities for warmth and connection.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
My three children, now young adults, kept secrets from me—I think. They were raised in a strict environment with more control than their friends. They did not like the control, but we had a good family life. In recent years, lots of stories have come out about their clandestine teen behaviors. It is scary to think of their risky behavior. My oldest daughter and her husband have recently announced that they plan not to have children. They will not say why. Why would they want to be childless? I am really confused and upset about this. Could it be because of some secrets or trauma from their childhood—not yet revealed?
While I do not have an answer to your specific question about them, a decision not to have children is not necessarily rooted in any childhood trauma or made because of troublesome secrets— those of your daughter or her husband. There are, as well, many individually well thought out reasons to not have or raise children.
Couples who choose to be child-free, may do so to preserve a certain type of lifestyle and marriage. Along with the joy and fulfillment many parents feel, children in a family alter leisure time, development of career goals, individual freedoms, economics, and the intimacy of a marriage. Adults decide on their role in and contribution to society. Although not necessarily unwanted, many children are conceived either as ‘unplanned’ or a ’surprise’ to their parents. Making a joint conscious choice with an advance plan to have or not have children is a healthy relationship move.
You may never get the answer you seek. There may be undisclosed medical fertility challenges with adoption not an option for them. Your daughter and her husband are certainly entitled to keep their thinking and feelings private—just between them. They do not owe you or anyone else an explanation. What is significant, despite your puzzlement and disappointment, is that they have discussed this critical marriage issue and reached an agreement. And in all cases, past secrets are just that— until or unless the keeper(s) decides to share.
Going forward in your relationship with them, respecting the life they have chosen, will serve you better in the long run instead of trying to swim upstream into the past zone of privacy they have established.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
I love my wife— but she is bossy. How can I get along better with her?_________________________________________________________________
Bossy means different things to different people. Depending on what ‘type’ of bossy you see your wife as being, there are different ways to improve your reaction to her. I identify six basic types of behavior that may come across as bossy— especially in intimate partnerships.
The six behaviors commonly perceived as bossy (controlling/ butinsky) are:
______1. Always trying to be helpful.
______2. Insisting they have the best answer/way to do something.
______3. Pushing you to consider all options.
______4. Interrupting you and being outspoken by nature.
______5. Needing to prove they are smarter than you.
______6. Feeling driven to be in control and right.
Review the list and mark:
(0) by the characteristics that do not describe your wife
(+) next to the descriptions that apply sometimes
(++) for the items that often fit how you see your wife.
Evaluate your responses and identify which characteristics are more descriptive of your wife. See if there is a pattern. There are two main clusters of characteristics and, of course, a mixture of the two.
Cluster A (1, 3, 4)
IF you perceive that your wife tends to be—
overly helpful
a brainstormer
simply talkative
—she may be less bossy than she appears to be.
Persons with this cluster of traits often do not realize how they are coming across to others. They have the best of intentions and do not feel like they should be quiet about it. They feel obligated to help and share what they know. Similarly, your wife may be more focused on what she can do, rather than on any negative reflection on your capability. This reflects more on her beliefs about her skills than your deficits.
Cluster B (2, 5, 6)
If types #2, #5, and #6, seem more descriptive of your wife, these characteristics may seem more reflective of her higher opinion of herself and lower reflection on you. She may deny that she is bossy and only that she is helpful.
Cluster AB/BA
This reflects a mix of characteristics where either A is more dominant or B is— but both are descriptive to some extent.
All clusters signal the need for better boundaries. If your wife seems to be Cluster A predominantly, politely acknowledging her intent to be helpful, and ‘thank you’ but you do not need more suggestions, or letting her know in advance that you are not seeking feedback— may help you set better boundaries with her. Be clear about your expectations.
Setting boundaries and not getting stuck with Cluster B individuals can be more challenging. You can begin with the suggestions for Cluster A and then become more assertive if you are not initially successful. Statements like, “I guess we see it differently”, “we have different opinions”, “my way will work for me”, “there’s always more than one way to do something”, and the like are firmer efforts to set boundaries.
Remember: even though it seems to you she acts like she’s smarter or you are dumb, she may not intend to communicate those sentiments. Resist the pull to become angry and behave like an insulted person often does: do not withdraw or begin/join in an argument. Instead work on clarifying her intent and expressing how she comes across to you using a discussion (not argumentative) format.
Ignoring your wife, using silence, rudeness or control to control a bossy person generally escalates the situation. Sometimes excusing yourself and walking away with one-way closure may be your only option. And as always, seek professional help if you are unable to resolve or tolerate your situation.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 4
by Dr. Coach Love
In Part I, I suggested that, as in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights. I asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. After you have worked through all questions, think about these potential outcomes.
Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible if you persist in only allowing him to remain in your home if he does not do the piercing. Thinking ahead further, what do you imagine you would feel and do under the following selected outcomes? What is an acceptable result for you?
1. He says, “OK / You’re right / I agree.” (Or yes, you can tell me what to do with my body while I am here. I won’t pierce (or other issue) until I move out.)
2. He believes your threats and says, “I don’t like it, but I’ll comply because I don’t want to move out.”
3. You scare him with your threats and he meekly backs down. Things seem the same.
4. You break his will and he quietly complies. Your relationship comes distant.
5. You have a huge fight. He stays and doesn’t pierce, but begins to keep secrets from you and does not share his life.
6. He pierces and stays. No further word is spoken by anyone about his moving.
7. He moves out, pierces, and refuses all contact with you.
8. He pierces and you put him out. He can’t make it on his own and asks to return.
9. He moves out and pierces. He makes less than successful progress with his life and does not fulfill his dreams, but remains independent.
10. He pierces. You tell him to leave. He resists/stalls in moving out/won’t leave. (Do you get law-enforcement involved? Become forceful? Back down?).
11. He pierces. You put him out. He’s too immature to handle it, and gets into trouble (or worse).
12. Other outcome:________________________________________________.
What do you think about this range of potential outcomes?
Can you spot or predict the likely outcomes for your situation?
In the face of potentially negative outcomes, is it worth the risk to force this particular issue?
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 3
by Dr. Coach Love
Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, here are questions 6 through 10 for parents to work through together before making a discipline decision.
6. Do you feel you can handle your conscience if things go wrong for him?
Avoid any temptation to hide behind, “Well, it’s his choice.”
Remember, he’s the adolescent and you are the adult
It is also your choice on how far to go in exerting your opinions/values on him in this clash of wills and rights.
7. In good conscience, can you surrender your parenting/relationship
opportunities when he is 18?
Note that you may possibly lose future opportunities to influence him, particularly if the situation turns ugly.
8. Do you believe that when influence and persuasion (or begging and pleading) do not foster your adolescent’s compliance with your opinion/values that negative parental responses are either OK or justified ?
Be sure you know whether it is acceptable to you to apply negative consequences (punishments), emotional manipulation, family pressure, threats, blackmail, verbal abuse, or worse.
9. What if the clash was about loud music? Clothing style? Hair? Grades? Friends? Drinking?
The potential clash list with adolescents is endless.
Think about whether you pick your battles — as they say.
Remember, with adolescents you must first model respecting their rights in order to have a chance for your rights to be respected. Isn’t that only appropriate since YOU are the adults?
10. How have any previous clashes been resolved?
This history sets the stage for both your credibility and how strongly he will hold his ground.
What do you think? Check back for more discussion.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 2
by Dr. Coach Love
In Part 1, we began the discussion on teen discipline challenges. I recommend you check back to review this section if you have not read it.
Here is the first 5 of the top 10 on my list of critical questions for parents to huddle over and answer together. Parents must come together on serious discipline matters or there can be a considerable negative impact not only on the family but also on the marital relationship. Use these to discuss your differences and establish your similarities.
1. How much do you value your relationship with your son?
Consider the risk to your relationship with tackling this topic.
2. Is your relationship otherwise solid or just OK?
Recognize your communication strengths and weaknesses.
3. Would you actually follow-through with putting your son out of the house at 18?
Be sure to be honest with yourself and know whether you are bluffing.
4. Do you want to disown all responsibility for and sacrifice all influence with your son?
Check your feelings on this one.
5. Can you handle a cut off in your relationship with him?
Be prepared to lose all contact.
Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible. What is an acceptable outcome for you? For your spouse/the other parent?
In Part 3, I will continue with questions 6 through 10 for your consideration.
What do you think? Check back for questions 6 — 10.
v E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.
v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,
brevity, clarity, and general interest.
v Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.
