Dr. Coach Love’s Relationship Coaching Tips

Parenting: How to Deal with Teen Drinking- Part I

by Dr. Coach Love 

We feel we have been lucky with our kids.  With one each in middle school and high school and a third heading away to college, we have not seen any drinking problems — – yet. 

We are concerned that our youngest child may be different and that our oldest

may begin drinking while away at college.  We want to be sure we are doing

all we can.  Any tips?

________________________________________________________________

Most people would agree that the statistics on teen drinking are too high—no matter how you look at the data.  Consider these questions:

Is it fun?  Is it dangerous?  Do all or most teens drink?  The answers to these questions are maybe yes and maybe no.  But the answers are a resounding “YES” and “YES” to “Is teen drinking illegal in the United States?”  and “Is it developmentally a bad idea for teens  to drink?”

Ë    For teens, age is just a temporary technicality. 

                  Most need a better reason not to drink.

No matter how dedicated a parent you are, your kids will make their own choices about drinking.  That is, they will drink or not drink in spite of what you do or say — –

if they want to do so. Peer influence is a factor, but kids who want to start drinking, choose friends who are drinking. Teens who do not want to drink may

take an observing role or choose another peer group.

Although you can not control your children’s choices, do not give up.  As parents, you have a responsibility and huge potential to influence their choices.  Work actively to use your influence to steer your kids away from underage drinking.

The three-stage model of parenting regarding underage use of alcohol is

education, prevention, and intervention. Education starts very early and is ongoing.  Prevention efforts should begin prior to middle school.  Firm intervention must occur at the first signs of under age alcohol use.

Implementation of this model represents ideal parenting.  How many of us are in life situations where we can practice ideal parenting? Personalities collide, financial stress impacts, single parenting conflicts, job demands, and the 24/7 we have each week seems to melt away in too many directions.

Yet under  age drinking (and supervision of teens in general) is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting.  Equally important to meeting this parenting challenge are parent skills

and role modeling.

For more ideas on how to deal with teen drinking, complete my quiz on

Underage Drinking and check back for Part 2.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Articles-    Lists-    Posts- Pt2-Coming Soon; Reflections-     

                                 Quizzes- Underage Drinking

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                              and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Family and Sports: Over Critical Parents Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…

Sports and other activities provide great avenues for value lessons and character development. Reaching full potential of athletic skills, academic scholarships, and professional career opportunities may also be desirable, but those goals represent unreasonable expectations for the majority of children playing sports. And many talented kids may simply want to hang out with friends and have fun.  Others do not like to be highly competitive.

Over focus on children’s sports can be very destructive to marital and family relationships. Disharmony and disunity can result.  Addressing these conflict issues early can prevent many family problems.

Create a list of the offensive and “sports-over one focus” behaviors.  Include the opinions and behaviors of all family members.  Match the undesirable behaviors with the family goals and values they violate. Recognize the negative consequences.  Describe the alternate choices. For assistance and suggestions, go to the quiz Setting Goals for Children’s Sports and the list Sports Parents Who over Do It.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Sports Parents Who Over Do It;

                                  Quizzes-Setting Goals for Children’s Sports;

                                  Reflections-My Golf and My Life Lessons

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                              brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Family and Sports: Over Critical Parents Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

Our three kids play on select sports teams.  It’s great but my husband gets way

too excited and critical.  I think he is teaching a bad example.  He agrees, but has trouble controlling himself because he is so passionate and was a great athlete years ago. 

How can we improve?

________________________________________________________________

Parents often spoil athletic experiences for children. We see it everywhere—

dads screaming at refs, moms yelling at their kids for not being aggressive

enough to suit them, and parents pressuring kids to excel in the mechanics of sports —sacrificing enjoyment and numerous valuable life lessons.

You recognize the picture. You know THOSE parents.

You think your husband may become one of them.

But you and your husband are on your way to improvement because you both recognize the problem.  What are you values and goals for your children’s sports?

Taking the next step to improvement involves assessing your values and goals. 

Go to Quizzes-Goals for Children’s Sports for a quiz and ideas on setting

goals. Then check back in Part 2 for more discussion and tips on how to change your approach to your kids’ sports activities…

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS:  Lists-Sports Parents Who Over Do It;

                                   Posts- Pt2 5-10-08;

                                   Quizzes- Goals for Children’s Sports;

                                   Reflections- My Golf and My Life Lessons

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                          brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Predict Not Prevent Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love

After reviewing Parts 1 and 2, consider the use of coaching tips to reduce stress and adapt to visits from your critical grandparents.  This is one set of options as an alternative to risking a potentially ugly confrontation. Remember, the idea is to predict not prevent –in order to reduce stress.

èDiscuss with your husband your combined standards of preparation for their visit.

èAgree on a list to be completed.

èExclude things that would be done only to please your

    grandparents— unless you both agree.

èFinish your list and RELAX!

èUse your sense of humor to construct a “contest” which predicts how their criticism will play out during their visit:

·        how many criticisms

·        how early in the visit

·        subject of the criticism

·        who says something first

èUse this exercise as a playful bonding tool for you and your husband.

èEnjoy your relatives for the best of them.

èAfter the visit, compare notes.

When you reframe a situation from being “preventable and stressful” into “predictable and humorous,” you automatically change your reaction to it. 

YOU HAVE CHANGED THEREFORE THE OUTCOME IS DIFFERENT.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Articles- Confrontation; Posts Pt1-4-22-08, Pt2- 4-23-08;   

                                  Reflections-Being Confrontational  

v       I invite your comments below.

v       E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v       Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

    brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v       Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v       Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©         Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

The Launching Zone and “Adult” Kids- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Part 1…

There are no set rules about how to handle the launching process. Negotiation, compromise, and discussion are preferred. You probably have your ideas about how you want to limit your financial commitment. And if you do not have any actual financial limitations, considers setting limits anyway as a value lesson to your child.  In either case, you do not have to discontinue all support at once.  In this new transition, you establish new boundaries and expectations effective now that he has completed his undergraduate degree.

Here are options to consider when you plan a Launching Zone Discussion:

1. Schedule a mutually agreeable time when everyone is relaxed.
2. Build a plan in advance with your facts and numbers.
3. Plug in your own personal and family values.
4. A gradual ease into this transition usually works best.
5. Encourage your child’s feelings and input in the discussion.
6. Explain your position on funding for graduate school.
7. Be kind and loving.

Reassure yourself and fortify your intentions by knowing that launching your older child is another parental task on the long list of child rearing responsibilities. We do our children no favors if we do not at least nudge the reluctant ones further on the road to adulthood.

This may help with the discussion of the financial end.  However, powerful emotions are involved in this process. Continue to be sensitive to your feelings and those of your child—

this is still your child.

Parenting lasts a lifetime.  Financial support does not.

You’ve done well with your parenting for 22 years.  You will do just fine with this transition. Take your time and relax. There are no rules. Each launching is custom designed to fit the circumstance.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S. I have launched three– 22, 26, and 28.  All of the send-offs were different.

I am happy to report no bounce backs at this point.

Still keeping my fingers crossed.

MORE INFO LINKS:  Posts-Pt1 4-26-08;

                                   Quizzes-Check back:To Be Posted

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                       brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions. 

The Launching Zone and “Adult” Kids- Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

We have a 22-year-old son who finished his degree last year.  He has been a

great student and all-around good kid.  But he still only works part-time at a kid job, and keeps really late hours. Although he lives with us, he is not home very often. 

My husband agrees that getting our son out on his own would be good for him. 

At the same time, he doesn’t understand why I’m trying to “push” our son 

to move. Our son pays his own gasoline, but not much else. I think it’s time for him to support himself. I do not understand why he isn’t in any hurry to get his freedom. Now he’s throwing around the idea of attending graduate school–

on us. Ideas?

________________________________________________________________

There comes a time in the life of every good family when parents are ready

to send their kid to the Launching Zone. You are ready before your son

wants to go.

There is nothing mysterious about your 22-year-old wanting you to continue to take care of him.  You’ve done a great job of nurturing, supporting, and,

of course, funding his goals and future. Often it seems that 16-year-olds

are more eager to be in the Launching Zone than twenty-somethings.

Despite the illusions of personal and lifestyle freedom, most “adult” children understand clearly how much “financial freedom” they lose when they get out on their own.  Many are not prepared to deal with that lifecycle transition. 

It is a huge step in life.

Check back for Part 2 where I will continue the discussion on launching kids and offer coaching tips.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS:Lists- Pt2 To Be Posted; Quizzes-To Be Posted

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

                            clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.    

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Predict Not Prevent Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1… These are relatives you want in your lives. To reduce or eliminate the stress their visits generate, you can change yourselves. In the process, you and your husband will create a tighter bond with humorous shared memories of family get-togethers.  Your children will witness positive role models for dealing with critical people.  Depending on their ages, you may have a nonjudgmental conversation about how you are changing yourselves to “accept more fully the way grandma and grandpa are.”

Do not feel pressured to confront your grandparents again over their behavior.  Under the circumstances you described, steer clear of harshly asserting your rights to be treated better. This type of confrontation has proven to be more hassle than it is worth for you.

• You are not being controlled when you choose not to confront them. 
• Their control over you develops from you allowing them to trigger your stress by their behavior.

However, if sensitivity to the grandparents’ criticism is deeply embedded in your childhood emotions, professional consultation may be necessary.  But first, consider coaching alternatives. Follow-up in Part 3 where I offer tips that may work for you. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Articles- Confrontation; Posts- Pt1 4-22-08; Pt3 5-2-08; Reflections-Being Confrontational  

v       I invite your comments below.

v       E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v       Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

   brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v       Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v       Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©         Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Predict Not Prevent Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

My husband and I have a difficult family situation that keeps repeating.  His grandparents come to visit us often. We love them dearly, but they can be a problem for us.  We stress out knowing they are coming because we want to have everything perfect. 

No matter what we do, they always criticize something. When we ask them to be more positive, they claim they’re just trying to be helpful with their comments and have a right to express their opinions. We both work hard to try to prevent problems, but can’t get it right.  We want them in our lives, but need to get rid of our stress.  How can we get them to stop being so negative and critical of us?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You can’t. Obviously, your relatives feel that nothing is wrong with what they’re doing.  There is no motivation to change.  You are not planning to cut off contact with them anyway.  You suggest they are harmless, but annoying.  Embrace who they are as people– including their flaw of being critical.

You can change yourself.  Deal with the way they are. Avoid stressing out.  When you know they are planning a visit, carefully plot with your husband.  Instead of plotting how to prevent their criticism (which has proven to be impossible), learn to predict the criticism. 

Follow up with Part 2, where I will provide coaching tips that may work to reduce your stress and change the outcome of family visits.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Articles- Confrontation; Posts- Pt2 4-23-08, Pt3 5-2-08;

                                  Reflections-Being Confrontational

v       I invite your comments below.

v       E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v       Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

           and general interest.

v       Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v       Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©         Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Anal Cleaner and Sloppy Husband- Part 2 

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1…

Family backgrounds and customs, of course, generally play a huge role in

the origin of housecleaning wars.  Nevertheless, it is important that you improve your relationship and avoid being stalled, detained, or derailed at the crossroads

of this issue.

Remember when you:

èMake housecleaning into a fight or a win-lose argument—

     emotions are wounded and it is not resolvable.

èStop judging each other’s cleaning preferences as right

    and wrong—the power struggle ends.

èDefuse the emotional charge this subject has ignited or rekindled—

    you become free to develop a functional plan. 

èStop debating—you have more time for cleaning.  YIPPEE!!!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Housecleaning: 7 Ways to Divide;

                                  Posts- Pt1 4-10-08;  

                                  Quizzes- Housecleaning Wars Quiz   

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity,

                             and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.

Golden Rule Revised- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1….

The pattern you are describing in your relationship is similar to giving roses to someone when you think roses are great to receive (and you enjoy buying them.) What you neglected to do is discover whether roses are meaningful to the receiver.  Duh! As I said, “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you” does not work in relationships. Can you see why it fails? It does not consider the other’s perspective.

The “solution” is a related cliché (revised, of course). When you are the gift horse, open your own mouth and inquire before giving. Nobody will have to look in your mouth. In relationships, this message translates into gaining a careful knowledge of what your partner likes, dislikes, appreciates, and does not give two cents about. Take time to learn and discuss what your significant other needs.  Do not assume that what works well for you, is the same for him.  It may not be. This applies to gifts, kindnesses, courtesies, favors, and the way in which you show love to him.

You still may be asking, “Well, I do it for him and he seems to like it, so shouldn’t he do it back?”  Well, maybe but… 

• He hates/dislikes texting and talking on the phone. 
• He does things only to please you and you do not know it.
• Do you communicate beforehand to take away the guesswork?
• Could any of this apply to your relationship?
• Why leave your relationship to chance?  
• Check it out!! 

My idea of the Golden Rule Revised is to act based on communication and not assumptions. 

Create healthy interactions in your relationship through well-informed knowledge.

Do not blindly “do unto others.” Reduce the guesswork  in your relationship.

Use your words first.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Posts- Pt1 4-14-08; Reflections- Golden Rule Revised 

v       I invite your comments below.

v       E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@centurytel.net.

v       Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

                         clarity, and general interest.

v       Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v       Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©         Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.  Reprint with permission.   

                             Contact  DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net  for permissions.