In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.
Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens. However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.
- And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers?
Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback. Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:
- Recognize they deserve more feedback.
- Appreciate that they care what you think.
- Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.
Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.
When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.
What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:
For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking. Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:
- “That shirt looks good on you.”
- “I like that color.”
- “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”
For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:
- My opinion on this is enough.
- I can tell s/he likes it.
- Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.
Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.
What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Regards,
Dr. Coach Love
P.S.
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© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
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