Dr. Coach Love’s Life Coaching Tips

Patt H. Pickett, Ph.D. offers YOU life coaching tips for living an EXCELLENT life through Relationships, Marriage & Family. Check out the Q&A, Polls, Quizzes, Checklists, and Reflections.

Teen Discipline-Piercing and Other Challenges 4 Wednesday, November 11 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Family, Obedience, Parenting, Relationships, arguments, feelings, piercing — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , ,

Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 4

by Dr. Coach Love 

 

In Part I, I suggested that, as in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights.  I asked 10 questions for you to consider regarding your family values. After you have worked through all questions, think about these potential outcomes.

                                                                                                          

Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible if you persist in only allowing him to remain in your home if he does not do the piercing.  Thinking ahead further, what do you imagine you would feel and do under the following selected outcomes?  What is an acceptable result for you?

                                                            

1.  He says, “OK / You’re right / I agree.” (Or yes, you can tell me what to do with my body while I am here. I won’t pierce (or other issue) until I move out.)

2.  He believes your threats and says, “I don’t like it, but I’ll comply because I don’t want to move out.”

3.  You scare him with your threats and he meekly backs down. Things seem the same.       

4.  You break his will and he quietly complies. Your relationship comes distant.

5.  You have a huge fight. He stays and doesn’t pierce, but begins to keep secrets from you and does not share his life.

6.  He pierces and stays. No further word is spoken by anyone about his moving. 

7.  He moves out, pierces, and refuses all contact with you.

8.  He pierces and you put him out.  He can’t make it on his own and asks to return.

9.  He moves out and pierces.  He makes less than successful progress with his life and does not fulfill his dreams, but remains independent.

10.  He pierces.  You tell him to leave.  He resists/stalls in moving out/won’t leave. (Do you get law-enforcement involved? Become forceful? Back down?).

11.  He pierces. You put him out. He’s too immature to handle it, and gets into trouble (or worse).

12. Other outcome:________________________________________________.

 

  • What do you think about this range of potential outcomes?

  • Can you spot or predict the likely outcomes for your situation?

  • In the face of potentially negative outcomes, is it worth the risk to force this particular issue?

 

Check back for more discussion.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges 3 Sunday, November 1 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Family, Obedience, Parenting, Relationships, arguments, piercing — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love 

Continuing from Parts 1 and 2, here are questions 6 through 10 for parents to work through together before making a discipline decision.

 

6.  Do you feel you can handle your conscience if things go wrong for him?

  •   Avoid any temptation to hide behind, “Well, it’s his choice.”

  •  Remember, he’s the adolescent and you are the adult

  •  It is also your choice on how far to go in exerting your opinions/values on him in this clash of wills and rights.

 

7.  In good conscience, can you surrender your parenting/relationship

     opportunities when he is 18?

  •  Note that you may possibly lose future opportunities to influence him, particularly if the situation turns ugly.

 

8. Do you believe that when influence and persuasion (or begging and pleading) do not foster your adolescent’s compliance with your opinion/values that negative parental responses are either OK or justified ?

  •   Be sure you know whether it is acceptable to you to apply negative consequences (punishments), emotional manipulation, family pressure, threats, blackmail, verbal abuse, or worse.

 

9.  What if the clash was about loud music?  Clothing style?  Hair?  Grades?  Friends? Drinking?

  • The potential clash list with adolescents is endless.

  • Think about whether you pick your battles — as they say.

  • Remember, with adolescents you must first model respecting their rights in order to have a chance for your rights to be respected. Isn’t that only appropriate since YOU are the adults?

 

10. How have any previous clashes been resolved? 

  • This history sets the stage for both your credibility and how strongly he will hold his ground.

 

 

What do you think? Check back for more discussion.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges 2 Sunday, October 18 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Family, Obedience, Parenting, Relationships, arguments, piercing, teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Teen Discipline: Piercing and Other Challenges- Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 1, we began the discussion on teen discipline challenges. I recommend you check back to review this section if you have not read it. 

Here is the first 5 of the top 10 on my list of critical questions for parents to huddle over and answer together. Parents must come together on serious discipline matters or there can be a considerable negative impact not only on the family but also on the marital relationship. Use these to discuss your differences and establish your similarities. 

1. How much do you value your relationship with your son?

  •              Consider the risk to your relationship with tackling this topic. 

2. Is your relationship otherwise solid or just OK?

  •   Recognize your communication strengths and weaknesses. 

3. Would you actually follow-through with putting your son out of the house at 18?

  • Be sure to be honest with yourself and know whether you are bluffing. 

4.  Do you want to disown all responsibility for and sacrifice all influence with your son?

  • Check your feelings on this one. 

5.  Can you handle a cut off in your relationship with him?

  • Be prepared to lose all contact. 

Depending on your relationship, values, and personalities involved, many outcomes are possible. What is an acceptable outcome for you? For your spouse/the other parent? 

In Part 3, I will continue with questions 6 through 10 for your consideration. 

What do you think? Check back for questions 6 — 10.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.                                                           

 

 

Teen Discipline-Piercing and Other Challenges1 Monday, October 12 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Family, Obedience, Parenting, Relationships, arguments, teens — drcoachlove @ 7:36
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Teen Discipline-Piercing and Other Challenges Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love 

Our son has announced that when he turns 18 next month and it is legal, he’s going to get his tongue pierced despite our well-voiced objections.  I told him I was totally against it and explained all the dangers and health reasons.  My husband let him know that tongue piercing is against  house rules and threatened to throw him out if he gets  pierced.  Our son is a good kid, works, does well enough in school, and helps us out at home.  I really hate the idea of a pierced tongue, but I think my husband is going overboard with threatening to put out our son claiming he “has a right” to enforce house rules.  Who is right here?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 As in most interpersonal problems, your family is experiencing a conflict of rights.  Your son at 18 has the legal right (depending on state law) to make certain decisions including piercing his whatever. As parents and homeowners, you and your husband have rights to determine whom over the legal age is permitted to live there and under what conditions.  And you may not be legally required (depending on the laws in your area and any divorce decrees) to continue to house or support your 18-year-old son. Consequently, this discussion may stalemate on legal issues. (Be sure to check legal resources as needed.) 

What may be legally correct is of limited use to settle this conflict because it would appear that both your husband and your son may be right.  But these two rights make it wrong to continue down this path: stubborn, disrespectful son versus stubborn, disrespectful father. Dialogue and compromise, not stubbornness or threats, can resolve the conflict and create a healthy relationship. 

Work to balance the ideas of morals/values, social responsibility, personal choice, and individual rights. Simply standing emotionally and immovably behind “it’s my right to get pierced/make house rules”– fails to address a more logical and long-term view of potential relationship and life consequences.  

Before you, as responsible parents, continue on this path following your son’s lead of stubbornness and disrespect, there are important relationship and value questions to answer. Piercing is only one of many teen discipline challenges that are very difficult to resolve. In Part 2, I will offer 10 questions for families, which will help decide the best course of action. These questions can be applied to piercing and other topics to help preserve family relationships and health.  

What do you think? Check back for more discussion. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Sex Life Suffers Saturday, September 26 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Family, Marriage, Relationships, arguments, feelings, sex — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Sex Life Suffers Due to Confrontational Wife

by Dr. Coach Love

My wife and I struggle when we disagree because she gets confrontational. When we are fighting, our love life falls apart. We don’t have sex. It seems like she holds out when she’s mad at me. I can’t stand it. I’m lower key. I try to be patient so her arguing stops; but I also lose my patience sometimes and yell. After all I can’t hold it in forever. No matter what I do, it seems to get worse. When we are not arguing, we get along great. We just don’t know how to fight fair and end it. Any ideas?

_________________________________________________________________

Many couples do not have a matched style of confrontation and have few skills for settling differences. People who are viewed as highly confrontational, ironically, are often partnered with those who admit to avoiding confrontation. Loss of a satisfying sexual relationship and basic intimacy are typical outcomes when couples cannot solve conflict. The so-called “makeup sex” which is hyped as great can only be great when issues are truly resolved. 

You suggest that being lower key and more patient than your wife puts you in a superior position and that she is the problem. Don’t kid yourself. 

    Patience over extended

      Becomes conflict avoidance.

 

Conflict avoidance destroys healthy sexual functioning and intimacy. From your wife’s point of view, your being too patient or ignoring confrontation is likely interpreted as you don’t:

1. Listen

2. Understand

3. Care  

4. Pay attention 

The confrontation level is likely to rise. In short, you are contributing to the amount of confrontation in your relationship at a level equal to your wife. Why pay back with what you don’t want from your wife? Don’t you know howyou would like to have her approach and talk to you? Chances are you do. 

Since you feel your wife approaches you in a confrontational way, the pattern was probably and gradually conditioned by years of interacting with your “low key” way. She may not think she’s being confrontational—only expressing her frustration from feeling ignored by you. She’s trying to get your attention. Being low key often sends a don’t-care-not-listening-don’t-want-to-discuss-it message. You should strive to respond somewhere between confrontational and ignoring her. 

Be open about your choice to change, but not preachy. Don’t expect an instant shift from her. This pattern between you has likely built up for years. Remember: if you do what you usually do-you’ll get what you usually get. The possibility of change in your marriage is created through a change in you. Start today to handle conflict successfully and a satisfying love life will return. 

What do you think? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Avoiding Arguments and Fights 4 Wednesday, September 16 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Control freaks, Family, Relationships, arguments, feelings, secrets — drcoachlove @ 7:36

Avoiding Arguments and Fights: Is It Good? Part 4

By Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1 – 3, we discussed the role of arguments and fights in building or damaging intimate relationships. The language individuals use to describe this type of conversation can vary and is a cue to the emotional issues that underlie the topic. There are several reasons why one partner or the other may avoid arguments or be fearful of getting into a fight. Here’s another one. 

The Subject Matter is Touchy, Sensitive, or Uncomfortable 

Most individuals will have memories of how their families handled disagreements when they were growing up. In general, the best examples that parents can give  their children is to let them observe reasonable arguments around appropriate topics and see the process through to resolution. This is a skill building experience. 

Often, however, adults have grown up in families where they never heard voices raised in disagreements or the opposite scene— where every difference of opinion exploded into a loud, obnoxious, or scary fight between the parents. As adults, witnesses to these models of behavior are left without skills for handling conflict. Fights are considered as negative in both situations. 

In adult relationships, when subjects are considered touchy, sensitive, or uncomfortable, these individuals will not discuss matters because they avoid arguments and fighting. Relationships decline or fail to thrive when issues important to one partner are not explored in a mutual discussion. 

If this sounds familiar to you, the solution is to develop conflict resolution skills and build tolerance for difference of opinions. 

What do you think? Check back for more options. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Avoiding Arguments and Fights 3 Wednesday, September 2 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Control freaks, Dating, Relationships, arguments, feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36

Avoiding Arguments and Fights: Is It Good? Part 3

By Dr. Coach Love 

Depending on how you define ‘arguments and fights’, skillful and respectful disagreements are good for relationships. In Parts 1 and 2, we talked about how exploring disagreements and differences are the reality of building intimacy. How can you feel close to anyone you do not truly know? If you present a false self to someone, that’s who they are in a relationship with—not you. Some people fear hurting the other’s feelings and so they avoid arguments and fights.

Fear of Hurting the Other’s Feelings

Sensitivity to and respect for the feelings and thoughts of your partner is a critical skill for an intimate relationship. But when you give up your rights to express your opinion and feelings frequently, you are sacrificing who you are and not being genuine in the relationship. Your partner does not know the real you. 

BUT, there are times when holding back on expressing feelings and an opinion or comment are appropriate simply because of sensitivity to or respect for the other— especially if the matter is more important to them than to you. A conscious decision making process like this is called “social intelligence”. Without social intelligence, communication in intimate relationships self-destructs.

  • For example, if she exposes her feelings only to have him be critical, demeaning, or sarcastic in response—communication fails. She shuts down because she is afraid to ’cause’ a fight and he remains out of touch with what is going wrong in the relationship.  She is unable to ask for what she needs if it conflicts with his thinking or feeling. Certainly, gender reversals are also the case— men are frequently emotionally sensitive at a higher level than their partners. 

From the other side, however, our partners should never become the “emotional dumping grounds” for everything in our guts and brains. Just because we think it or feel it, does not mean it needs to be said and they are the ones that have to hear it. Selective editing of our thoughts and feelings shows respect. 

  • Discovering the best level of sensitivity to each other is an ‘inside-the-couple’ job. Ironically, you both have to risk being emotionally open enough AND be respectful and accepting of differences at the same time to develop that sensitivity line or boundary. Then you can know when to open and shut your mouth with your partner in a loving and intimate way. 

Oversensitivity to the other can block intimacy.

 Undersensitivity to the other

can block intimacy.

Get it?

Couples need to cultivate the RIGHT amount

of sensitivity to each other.

 

 

What do you think? Check back for discussion on people pleasers in relationships. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Avoiding Arguments and Fights 2 Wednesday, August 26 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Control freaks, Marriage, Relationships, arguments, feelings, intimacy, romance, sex — drcoachlove @ 7:36

Avoiding Arguments and Fights: Is It Good? Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love 

In Part 1, I explained that differences in thinking and feeling are normal within a couple and that talking about those differences is necessary for intimacy. Unfortunately, couples can fall into the trap of conflict avoidance with the mistaken belief that such measures will keep peace between them. Not true. Many differences represent the uniqueness and individuality of the two people in the couple.

 

AVOID/HATE CONFLICTS AND ARGUMENTS

When you fail to accept or explore dissimilarities and potential conflicts, you create a slow leak in your relationship. What leaks out? Important opportunities to create intimacy, know each other better, uncover and solve any lurking problems are lost. Tackling these opportunities makes relationship stronger.

 

  • THE LANGUAGE YOU USE IS IMPORTANT!

 

Think about the language that you and your partner use when you are not in agreement about feelings or opinions. How are you and your partner more likely to refer to/feel about how you handle those times?

 

We are having a (n):

A. Argument

B. Discussion

C. Fight

D. Debate

E. Disagreement

F. Difference of opinion

G. Struggle

H. Clash

I.  Other Word_____________________

 

Now you may be looking at this list and dismiss the importance of different word choices by saying, “that’s just semantics”. Of course, it’s about the differences in meaning of the words FOR the people involved in the communication. Pulling up Webster on the Blackberry does not help communicate in the emotions of the moment.  “I don’t care what Webster says, what I’m telling you is—–!”

 

I figure that more than one of these words describes what you do when you are not on the same page. And for many, only the words ‘argument’ and ‘fight’ carry  negative vibes. For others, any hint of the above signals active opposition and triggers discomfort. Avoidance behavior kicks in because all of the terms represent unpleasant conflict. Consider this:

 

    You may be withdrawing from what

FEELS LIKE an ugly argument TO YOU

while she feels you abandoned her

and will not discuss what is important

for your relationship.

 

This is a major disconnection. Questions for you to consider:

 

  1. What words would you choose from the above list?

  2. Are you comfortable with all of them?

  3. What about your partner?

  4. And most importantly, when you feel like you are in an argument with her, have you ever heard your partner say, “We’re not arguing, we’re just discussing”?

 

When conflict is avoided at all costs, there can not be resolution and controlling/passive dynamics can begin to form in your relationship. Maintaining a romantic, sexual relationship can become strained under these conditions.

 

What do you think? Check back for more options.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Avoiding Arguments and Fights 1 Friday, August 21 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Dating, Relationships, arguments, feelings, romance — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Avoiding Arguments and Fights: Is It Good? Part 1

By Dr. Coach Love 

My fiancée and I are very different when it comes to talking. She wants to talk about everything, especially when we have different opinions. I don’t think that it is necessary to discuss everything, especially when we disagree. And when we discuss sexual issues….She tends to get passionate and then it turns into an argument. I hate to argue. We need to get this worked out somehow. Any suggestions? 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nearly all couples (if not all) hold different opinions or feelings on something. The only question is whether they choose to verbally express their differences or opposition or act out on it in a more subtle or passive manner. Open sharing, understanding, and successful resolution of differences makes relationships both strong and intimate. And good for you both that you at least attempt to talk about SEX!

Family history and how your parents handled disagreement commonly sets the stage for you in your adult relationships with regard to talking. You may have a conflict resolution skills deficit— if either you never saw your parents fight or they fought ferociously. The best model parents can provide for their children is to let them observe reasonable disagreements that end up being successfully resolved. Parents can also teach excellent conflict resolution skills when they help siblings and/or friends settle their own struggles. 

Five major reasons basically cover why individuals withhold expressing opposition or disagreement. 

1. Avoid/hate conflict/arguments

2. Fear of hurting the other’s feelings

3. Want to please the other by giving them their way

4. Subject matter is touchy, sensitive, or uncomfortable

5. The matter is unimportant

 

One of these five reasons is almost always a healthy reason to sidestep expressing disagreement or a difference in the relationship. Do you know which one that is? 

I will hold off on disclosing my pick until we look at each of the four reasons and its impact on the relationship in the next few blogs. 

What do you think? Check back for discussion on the language couples use when they are not in agreement. Have you ever felt like you were arguing when the other person believed you were merely having a conversation? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

 

Marriage and Control-Balancing Individual Rights 2 Thursday, August 13 , 2009

Filed under: Communication, Control freaks, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Sexual infidelity, feelings — drcoachlove @ 7:36
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marriage and Control: Balancing Individual Rights Part 2

By Dr. Coach Love

 

In Part One I discussed how helpful it is for you both to understand the dynamics in your parents’ marriages. When you can identify the similarities between those two marriages and your own, you are on the path to changing the patterns between the two of you. There is also a good chance that, in the early years, your parents’ marriages had lots of conflict in the beginning like yours does.

 

It may be difficult for the both of you to realize what your rights are as individuals even though you are married. As individuals who are married, you both still have the right to:

 

1. Speak and be listened to by family and friends.

2. Decide whether to have sex or not.

3. Receive the emotional support from family and friends.

4. Choose your friends.

5. Have some me/alone time.

6. Be free from fear of ridicule, criticism, and abuse.

7. Have some privacy.

8. Speak your opinions even when they disagree with those of your spouse.

9. Respectfully express your feelings even when you feel down.

10. Spend some money as you choose.

 

These are only a few of the individual rights that each of you has and do not lose when you get married. Typically, these are also the issues about which couples disagree and, therefore, may become topics of control and argument. Check out blogs on control:

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/iii-controlling-behavior-controlling-people/

 

Here’s how to begin reversing patterns of control and conflict in your relationship.

 

  1. Sit down with each other and do this exercise.

  2. Review the 10 rights listed above and put your initial by those rights you believe you have and + if you also exercise those rights.

  3. Do the same for your spouse.

  4. Compare and contrast the two sets of results.

  5. How well do they match?

  6. Discuss the reasons for differences and similarities.

  7. Make a definite plan based on your discoveries of how to improve and reduce conflict and control.

 

Consideration, however, is appropriate in understanding and exercising your individual rights as a married person. Assuming you did not get married to spend all of your time separately or to ignore your partner’s feelings and opinions, collaboration and coordination in expressing these rights is necessary. Communication is critical.

 

For example, with regard to #5-Have some me/alone time. If your need for “me” time conflicts with the amount of “together” time your spouse desires, you can see how collaboration and coordination is needed. Likewise, talking about the budget is critical for understanding the money issue in #10.

 

Of special importance in #2, the right not to have sex at any particular time needs to be balanced with any agreements made through your marital vows and relationship expectations regarding sexual fidelity. An agreement to have sex only with your partner, likely includes an agreement that there will be consensual romance and sex with each other in the marriage— at least to some degree.

 

When you exercise your right to choose your own friends, special considerations apply if that friend is of opposite gender. Shared secrets or intimate alone time may indicate simply an emotional friendship, but it may become emotional cheating. Check out the blogs and articles on emotional cheating:

http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/v-emotional-cheatinginfidelity/

Again, it is necessary to communicate clearly about all of these rights when you complete this exercise. Be aware that, at times, one partner’s rights may come at the expense of the rights of the other. This can be extremely stressful and may require professional assistance to deal with this type of conflict.

 

Learning how to exercise your individual rights respect fully within your marriage will go a long way to eliminate or at least dim any control dynamic between the two of you.

 

What do you think?

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

 

©       Copyright 2009 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.