Monday, January 30 , 2012

More Compliments in Marriage: Positive Feedback, Not Neediness? Part 2

In Part 1, we discussed pleasing your partner, expecting feedback, compliment avoiders, compliment seekers, continuing conflict, and refusal to change.

Over time, if you remain oblivious to your significant other’s feelings, your relationship weakens.  However, change in this dynamic cuts two ways—-compliment avoiders need to ratchet up their sensitivity and pleasing behavior, while compliment seekers need to ratchet down their sensitivity and expectations.

  • And by the way, how strong do business relationships remain if you ignore the feelings, requests, and opinions of the boss, clients, and co-workers? 

Focusing back on intimate relationships….Compliments are the major method of positive feedback.  Yet people are accused of “fishing for compliments” and others become annoyed. Instead of grimacing with annoyance, try use their “fishing” to create your own expedition of knowledge:

  • Recognize they deserve more feedback.
  • Appreciate that they care what you think.
  • Feel grateful that you do not have to guess how to please them.

Positive and negative feedback from partners are the compass for the relationship – – all feedback suggests the directions to steer away from and toward. Mutual sharing of your wishes, dreams, plans, likes/dislikes, and values shapes relationships. A relationship warps lopsidedly when only one partner expresses these major parts of self.

When asked, even compliment avoidant individuals confess they harbor positive thoughts frequently about their partners— but do not express them.

What’s the value in that? Here are subtle changes to improve this pattern:

For compliment avoiders—increase awareness of your thinking.  Practice the habit of switching internal positive thoughts into external positive feedback—- a genuine compliment or acknowledgement:

  • “That shirt looks good on you.”
  • “I like that color.”
  • “I noticed you picked up the family room. I appreciate that.”

For compliment seekers—increase awareness of your thinking. Back up and monitor yourself—focus on self evaluation:

  • My opinion on this is enough.
  • I can tell s/he likes it.
  • Ask: I would appreciate your take on this.

Change from each of the two sides generates swift improvement. Awareness of what pleases your partner and selectively acting on that information enriches the couple bond.

What do you think? Check back for more Q+A.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

P.S.

v I invite your comments below.

v Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

general interest.

© Copyright 2012 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions. 

Posted by on Monday, January 30 , 2012 in arguments, Bad Habits, Communication, compliments, feedback, feelings, Marriage, neediness, Relationships and tagged , , , , , .

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Friday, January 27 , 2012

More Compliments in Marriage: Positive Feedback, Not Neediness? Part 1

My husband says I am high maintenance because I like him to give me compliments. When I get a new outfit, hairstyle, do a favor, special work, or whatever, I want him to appreciate my efforts.  I want to know I please him. He calls me needy because he doesn’t care if I compliment him ever. He said he doesn’t “need” it. The subject keeps coming up. How do we make it go away?___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wanting to please your spouse is a healthy relationship behavior. But caution:

  • If you routinely please him (or her) at your own expense—might be a pattern of submissiveness (or worse).
  • And if you seek approval for everything—could be a self esteem  or low self confidence issue.

Many feel compliments are desirable and others that they are unnecessary. Both sides offer justifications for their refusal to change to  balance behavior and thinking:

  • “She should know how I feel  about this.”
    • Maybe, but she’s letting you know she likes to hear it from you. What’s wrong with that?
  • “He should ask if he wants to  know if I like it.”
    • Ditto the comment above.
  • “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count. She should volunteer.”
    • Of course it counts. You got what  you requested— just not in the way you preferred it.
  • “I always tell him when I don’t like something – – so if I don’t say anything – – he knows I like it.”
    • What’s up with this one? If you keep one side of your unsolicited feedback quiet (the good stuff), why not switch and clam up about the negative stuff instead?  Offer up the positive thoughts voluntarily. If you say nothing, let it be his call to solicit the negative feedback or not.

A frequent claim expressed by ‘compliment avoidant folks’ is they do not care what other people think of them. Uhhhhh….people important to you are not just other people.

What do you think?  Check back for Part 2 and more discussion on the role of compliments in a relationship.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

v      I invite your comments below.

v      Send relationship coaching questions to Dr. Coach Love through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

       brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to the

       general interest.

 

©       Copyright 2012  P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Friday, January 27 , 2012 in arguments, Bad Habits, Communication, compliments, feedback, feedback, feelings, high maintenance, Marriage, neediness, Relationships.

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Saturday, January 21 , 2012

Ending Affair and Telling Wife– Part 2

In Part 1, I reviewed risks, morals values, and goals surrounding an affair. All are facets of the decision making process of potential disclosure to your wife.

The choice of disclosure or not depends on you and any investment you have in your marriage along with your respect for the welfare of your spouse. Marriage risks are present in either choice: Both options damage your relationship beyond the cheating behavior itself.

Secrets establish tension and wedges between spouses. Disclosures trigger similar dynamics in the couple’s relationship.

Remaining secretive builds suspicion and a ‘will-the-shoe-ever-drop’ climate, while disclosure triggers an immediate crisis of trust and betrayal.

With infidelity kept secret, you are proceeding in a marriage with the rules changed—broken vows— unknown to your spouse. Is that fair?

At the same time, disclosure brings an obvious collapse of the marriage she thought you still had. Ask yourself the following:

  1. Do you make the choice based on what is best for you?
  2. Or do you know what is best for her?
  3. Do you choose what is best for her?
  4. Is the welfare of children a factor?

The impact on your marriage (and family) of secrets versus disclosure is complex —depending on your personal values and life goals.

  1. Do you owe your wife honesty beyond all else?
  2. Do your relationship ethics require disclosure to her?

As an experienced marriage therapist/relationship coach, I believe disclosure can provide the best base for rebuilding marriages which have a foundation for growth—but not always. The choice and risk are yours. The risk of marital collapse remains.  The rebuilding road is also painful and slow, yet can result in a stronger and more resilient relationship.

After you consider this discussion and answer these questions, you may find your answer or become still more confused. In either case, consulting a licensed marriage therapist would help clarify which option matches your values, goals, and risk selection.

What do you think?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

v      I invite your comments on this blog.

v      Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

       brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to

       general interest.

 

©       Copyright 2012  P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Saturday, January 21 , 2012 in arguments, Communication, emotional cheating, Family, feelings, infidelity, Infidelity/Cheating, Marriage, Relationships, secrets, sex and tagged , , , , , , .

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Wednesday, January 18 , 2012

Ending Affair and Telling Wife–Part 1

If a man has an affair with this first real love for a long period before ending it, should he tell his wife?

________________________________________________________________________

Aside from any moral breach you (or readers) may believe, there are serious relationship injuries that inevitably arise in both solid and weaker marriages, whether infidelity is prolonged or brief.  Further, whether secretive, in the open, suspected, or disclosed, infidelity compromises the integrity, trust, security, and, most importantly, the physical and emotional intimacy in a marriage or relationship.

Now I could continue for hours questioning you about your spouse, the quality of your marriage, your affair partner, details of your affair, family background, reasons you do not divorce, and other life specifics, which describe, or explain the “why” you chose to have an affair. None of that info really provides the answer to your question because marital dissatisfaction does NOT cause infidelity—infidelity was your choice.

Most folks do not choose infidelity as the response to marital dissatisfaction—-many just go play bingo (or immerse themselves in Angry Birds or other attention consuming activities). Others separate, divorce, or seek therapy/ relationship coaching.

Here are the FIVE major results from infidelity:

  1. Marital dissatisfaction remains and usually increases.
  2.   Infidelity delays facing dissatisfaction.
  3.    Infidelity complicates marital shortcomings.
  4.   Infidelity is a major obstacle to marital repair or recovery.
  5.   Infidelity deeply wounds and is emotionally destructive beyond what most can imagine.

This is the foundation for my response to your question which will follow in Part 2.

What do you think? Check back for Part 2.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

v      I invite your comments below.

v      Send relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove through DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

       brevity, clarity, and information provided will be directed to

        general interest.

©       Copyright 2012  P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Wednesday, January 18 , 2012 in emotional cheating, feelings, infidelity, Infidelity/Cheating, intimacy, Marriage, Relationships, secrets, sex and tagged , , , , , , , .

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Wednesday, March 30 , 2011

Temper and Going Ballistic

Temper and Going Ballistic

I used to think that I was even tempered but lately, my girlfriend says I am losing it. I ignore most stuff and let it go. BUT when it really gets to me, I can’t keep it in and go ballistic. It really takes a lot to make me go off. My girlfriend brings up every little thing, it seems. She lets nothing go. I want my girlfriend to be more like me so that we would not have so many fights. What can I do?

There is an expression that says not to sweat the small stuff. I disagree. Instead I suggest, “Always sweat the small stuff before it builds a bonfire.”

Your self-description sounds like you are a bonfire builder. And your reaction to your girlfriend likely is a disregard for her small concerns. Certainly there is a point when addressing small concerns is ‘nitpicking’; but what is small to one may easily be huge in scope to the other.

In the balance, if you learn to speak up earlier about issues, you should still be in control of your emotions and not throw a grown-up tantrum —or worse. You may think you have let things go while actually you may be stuffing emotions to the point of the explosions you admit.

In short, she can consider dialing down on her expressiveness and you might crank yours up to create a better balance in your relationship to have both fewer and more manageable fights.

What do you think? Check back for more options. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v     I invite your comments below.

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v     Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

©      Copyright 2011 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Wednesday, March 30 , 2011 in Relationships and tagged , , , , , .

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Friday, March 11 , 2011

Ending Arguments

Ending Arguments

My wife and I are struggling with ending arguments. When I am finished and said all I need to say, she just keeps going. She always seems to need the last word. But when I leave quietly without a word, it still does not stop. She follows me to continue. How can I make her stop and see the argument is over?________________________________________________________________

It is common for people in conflict to differ in their sense that an argument is resolved. In fact, since it takes two to start, it also takes both to feel it is resolved and end it.

Here are 3 tips to handle disagreements better:

1. Exit with words

2. Call a time-out/time-in

3. Recognize different emotional/logical planes

EXIT with WORDS

When you exit an argument without words, you increase the likelihood that your departure will be interpreted incorrectly by your partner— you don’t care, are angry, are coming back, etc. Instead, use your words to convey your intended meanings on your departure.

TIME-OUT/TIME-IN

Choose a moment when life is relaxed. Enter an agreement with your partner that when either needs an exit from an argument or debate, you can call a time-out/time-in. Keep in mind that to be successful; every time-out must have a time-in. Whomever calls the time-out takes responsibility for making sure the time-in happens by scheduling a time to convene it. Remember, the time-out serves the need of the one who needs a break or is finished. The time-in serves the needs of one who needs yet to resolve the dispute.

EMOTIONAL and LOGICAL PLANES

A major disconnect in disagreements occurs when the parties involved approach the issue from different angles—logical or emotional.  If your partner is aggravating you because he/she is being ‘too logical’ and not understanding your feelings, then you are probably over the top expressing yours. Dial them back. Or if you are steadfastly logical, recognize that you will likely drive your partner to an even stronger emotional position to make up for your lack of emotional input. Dust off some feelings and crank them out. 

What do you think? Check back for more options. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v     I invite your comments below.

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v     Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©      Copyright 2011 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Friday, March 11 , 2011 in Relationships and tagged , , , , .

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Sunday, March 6 , 2011

Not Being Emotional and Intimacy

Not Being Emotional and Intimacy

My wife of 2 months is overly emotional and complains that I do not express my feelings. She thinks I am holding them in. Seriously, she knows how I feel about her, but I am not am emotional guy. She knew that when we got hitched. I have not changed—she has become more moody. We need help, please.

____________________________________________________________________

From experience, I have a belief that—

“When you BEAR it all, you BARE nothing at all.”

People who ‘BEAR’ the emotional weight of anger, frustration, love, happiness, loneliness, fear, anxiety—you get the idea— and do not ‘BARE’ their feelings with their partner are not sharing enough of themselves to establish an intimate relationship. Chances are that the other is carrying the responsibility for the emotional glue in the partnership. This contributes to an imbalance, distance and conflict in the relationship. Intimate relationships require the exchange of emotions.

Our emotional and logical make-up are at the core of who we are as individuals. Lasting intimacy is built on partners sharing of themselves with their logical and emotional sides. If too much of her ‘emotional stuff’ (or his ‘logical stuff’) is infused, shades of control may invade their coupleship— from either or both sides. When you share too much OR too little of yourself, emotional or logical, you sabotage stability and intimacy in the relationship.

You may not realize it, but you have already identified the help you need. Your relationship is struggling BOTH because she has not become more logically expressive AND because you have not become more emotionally expressive; that is, you have become more analytical because she is becoming more moody and simultaneously, she is more moody because you are becoming more analytical. 

You are reacting off each other. Partners have strong influence and trigger potential for the other’s development. Since you are logical, you know that BOTH of you must change some AND keep some of who you are to produce the most satisfying outcome. This is a BOTH/AND relationship dynamic.

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v     I invite your comments below.

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v     Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©      Copyright 2011 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Sunday, March 6 , 2011 in Relationships and tagged , , , , , .

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Saturday, February 12 , 2011

Controlling Boyfriend-Father Worried

Controlling Boyfriend-Father Worried

By Dr. Coach Love 

I think my college age daughter is involved with a control freak. It takes one to know one and I was one with her mother. She becomes very defensive and her self-esteem is so low that she denies his controlling behaviors in their relationship and loses objectivity. I have changed my behavior and it scares me to see a controlling relationship pattern repeat before my very eyes. I know she has to make her own choices and there is really very little I can do about it except to be there if or when she needs support. How can I help her?

__________________________________________________________________________

I congratulate you on your success with behavior change. Stay on the helpful track of being there for your daughter if/when everything crashes.

Since her vision of him does not match yours, negative comments about him will increase her resistance to your influence. AND if you are heavy- handed in your ‘advice and commentary’ you become insulting and controlling—just-like-him. YOU could bring her self esteem to rock bottom. Preserve your influence with her by demonstrating respect to her feelings and behavior—even when you find it scary.

Acknowledge to her that she certainly knows things about him that you do not and your fatherly perspective gives you a different slant. Trust her in all the ways you can and provide a steady stream of positive reinforcement. Professional relationship coaching or therapy may be useful.

What do you think? Check back for more options.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

v     I invite your comments below.

v     E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v     Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v     Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v     Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

 

 

©      Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Saturday, February 12 , 2011 in Relationships and tagged , , , , , .

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Sunday, September 26 , 2010

Jealousy and Lying in Relationship 3

Jealousy and Lying In Relationships Part 3

by Dr. Coach Love 

In Parts 1 and 2, we discussed how avoiding certain types of communication causes missed learning opportunities to develop skills in relationships. These skills are necessary to build intimacy in your relationship. 

Since your significant other has a child with his soon-to-be former spouse and the always-to-be mother of his child, they have critical transitional tasks to complete related to co-parenting.  They got “stuff” to do to flip their roles with each other.  Their interaction together will likely cause tough emotional situations for you to navigate such as the following: 

  1. Situations in which his loyalty to her seems to trump his loyalty to you.
  2. A lack of knowledge or information about their relationship and contact because he keeps it separate from his relationship with you.
  3. Sensations of jealousy or mistrust about the nature of their relationship, especially if you have weaknesses in those areas.
  4. An unknown risk or possibility that their marriage is truly not over and reconciliation may occur— particularly for the sake of their child.
  5. A special type of bonding through co-parenting that you cannot share.
  6. Accepting the type of love and caring they still feel for each other and the way they show it.
  7. Difficulties and stress with the divorce negotiation process.
  8. Your anger and personal opinions about unfairness regarding child support, custodial arrangements, and the overkill of “special favors” he may continue to do “for her” claiming they are for the overall benefit of their child.

 Does this sound like a huge laundry list of hurdles? It is. Check a huge bundle of your emotional sensitivities at the door. They will likely be trounced on regularly. 

The responsibility for change rests with both of you. Becoming less sensitive to his choices must be matched with his becoming more sensitive to your feelings and becoming more accommodating. Change must be a two-way street in order for both parties in a relationship to be benefited and feel a balance. 

What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/ 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.  

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Sunday, September 26 , 2010 in Relationships and tagged , , , , , .

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Sunday, June 13 , 2010

Jealousy and Lying in Relationships 2

             Jealousy and Lying In Relationships Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

 

In Part 1, we talked about how jealousy and lying early in a relationship undermined opportunities to build a healthy union. When you avoid communication in the ways you describe, you miss 4 critical relationship building opportunities. They are how to:

       1.      Assert and balance your individual rights

     You each have rights to privacy and to make decisions

      independently of each other; however, building a relationship

      means you let go of some of your privacy rights  and learn to

      co-ordinate decision-making.

 

      2.  Handle differences of opinion

           Differences of opinion are normal and natural in all

           relationships. When you avoid exposing and solving differences,

           that avoidance  leads to frustration,  disappointment, and

           distrust.

     

      3.  Work through conflict

            While all conflict cannot lead to agreement, the relationship

            skills of compromise, collaboration, and negotiation are

           important to develop for a successful reationship. 

4.  Establish boundaries

      Boundaries are the limits between you and another person. 

      Setting boundaries is distinguishing between what decisions and

       choices are solely yours and those that belong to the other

       person—-along with those made jointly to build partnership

       while  preserving individuality.

 

These are four top skills necessary to build intimacy in your relationship. Biting the bullet on this learning curve early in a relationship is smart because it does not get easier later. It actually becomes more difficult because mistrust often gets in the way of discussion and learning. Diving into the learning process will generate new information about the other and the viability or potential lifespan of your relationship will surface quickly. Why delay?

 

Check back in Part 3 for information and discussion about the important transitional tasks that your boyfriend and his soon-to-be former spouse need to master to allow your relationship together to proceed in a healthy way.  But until this new level is achieved, you will likely have to deal with a number of relationship issues they must work through together.

 What do you think? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love 

MORE INFO LINKS: http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/2-find-it-fast/

 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

            brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog. This blog is not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you suspect any mental health problems, please seek immediate direct professional services as appropriate.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com. 

 

©       Copyright 2010 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Posted by on Sunday, June 13 , 2010 in Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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